Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Little johnny's parrot had just fallen off its perch and died. It was lying on its back on the botom of the cage, its legs pointing upwards. Johnny asked his father. "Dad, when birds die, why do their feet always point upwards?"
"Well, Johnny, they do that so god can reach down, take them by the claws and pull them up to heaven."
Next day when dad got home from work. Johnny rushed over to him and said, "gee dad, we nearly lost mum today."
"What do you mean?" queried his father.
"Well, l heard noises upstairs so l rushed up to see what was happening. There was mum lying on the bed with her legs straight up and she was yelling, "God, l'm coming" if it hahn't been for the gardener holding her down. we'd have lost her for sure.

2007-07-11 22:17:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marriage Humor ****

How do most men define marriage?

A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

2007-07-11 22:16:03 · 17 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

Guardian Angel ***

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came cornering around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked....

"And where the hell were you when I got married?"

2007-07-11 22:04:16 · 23 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

Cannibal Fruit Test ****

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

2007-07-11 22:00:22 · 24 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

A sport
House hold electrical item
Throw on the BBQ
A nut
Famous Australian
Sea ceature

2007-07-11 21:32:09 · 3 answers · asked by jobees 6

so usually when my friends and i drive home from a night of drinking...(with a sober driver of course) we like to roll down the windows and yell "GET A JOB!" to people walking on the streets. is this funny or just ******* mean?

2007-07-11 20:37:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Son asks his dad the difference between LOVE, BELIEF & RELIEF.

Father says : your Mom is my LOVE, our maid is my RELIEF and I’m your dad – well, that’s my BELIEF!

2007-07-11 20:37:17 · 5 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME".

A couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he says "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him."

No sooner said than done.

But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch. Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!"

The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening.

Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come, charge them tenfold!"

The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME

2007-07-11 20:36:42 · 15 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

if you can make me laugh..you win 10 points

2007-07-11 19:06:07 · 27 answers · asked by sheru 6

I saw a intelligent looking little boy playing all by himself on the grass.I decided to talk to him i asked him his age.A mischiveous glint flickered in his eyes and he replied,"2days back i was 10 years old,and next year i shal be 13.If u know what 's 2day,u'll be able to figure out my birthday and that'll give u my age"I looked at him bewildered.
how old the is the boy??plz do help

2007-07-11 18:28:48 · 0 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

U have

3>>Inmates
3>>Guards

u need to transport the inmates across a lake in a boat
but u cant have

Two inmates alone or they will kill each other
and u canot have two inmates with one guard
But u can only fit two people two people in the boat
and u always have too have a driver

how do they get across??

how is it done???

2007-07-11 18:25:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-11 17:11:02 · 26 answers · asked by gina 1

2007-07-11 15:53:35 · 11 answers · asked by Dave 2

The police are called to investigate a murder at an apartment complex. They arrive at the scene and see the following written in blood on the floor near the body "Dr. P, he did it". There are three doctors in the building, Dr. Peach, Dr. Pear, and Dr. Plum. They immediately arrest Dr. Pear. Why?

2007-07-11 15:07:05 · 20 answers · asked by The Postulator 5

does anyone know some good pranks for school? i really dont want to be sent to jail. nothing that involves animal cruelty. something fun/funny?

2007-07-11 14:59:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the best practical joke that you have played?

whoever comes up with the best one gets best answer. [:

2007-07-11 14:35:26 · 17 answers · asked by JBluver101 3

A brunette planning her wedding wanted to use the same minister that had performed the ceremony at her blonde friend's wedding. She thought the minister had done a terrific job, but couldn't remember his name.

Calling her blonde friend, she asked, "Can you tell me who married you and Jim?"

To which the blonde replied, "Weren't you there? We married each other."

2007-07-11 14:30:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

2007-07-11 14:11:24 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:......

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

2007-07-11 14:08:08 · 16 answers · asked by ~♥~ BLOOM ~♥~ 1

His mother told him to pray for one and he did so for several weeks , got discouraged and quit. Time went by and his father told him "I have a big surprise for you this evening" then took hin to the hospital where his mother had delivered twins. He looked them over and said"Boy! I bet you are glad I stopped praying"!

2007-07-11 14:04:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde wanted to buy a television so she walked into a local store and said i would like to buy that tv in the window.the shopkeeper said "i dont sell things to blondes". she went home and dyed her hair brunette.she went back to the store and said "i would like to buy that tv in the window".once again the shopkeeper said "i dont sell things to blondes".she went home again and this time dyed her hair black.she went back to the store once more and said "i would like to buy that tv in the window".and once again the shopkeeper said "i dont sell things to blondes".she asked him how we knew she was a blonde and he said "because thats not a tv, its a microwave!"

2007-07-11 14:01:12 · 11 answers · asked by Stephanie </3 3

Sleepy Sailor

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'...And he sat up all night watching me."

2007-07-11 14:00:54 · 8 answers · asked by ~♥~ BLOOM ~♥~ 1

A WOMEN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

2007-07-11 13:55:17 · 11 answers · asked by ~♥~ BLOOM ~♥~ 1

2007-07-11 13:42:00 · 28 answers · asked by Huh 5

Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre dame, returns home from a hard day ringing the cathedral bells - and finds his wife standing in the kitchen with a wok.
'Fantastic' he says, is it chinese tonight, Esmerelda?'
'oh no', she says, 'l'm ironing your shirt'.

2007-07-11 13:38:22 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-11 13:13:49 · 13 answers · asked by curiouscarp88 3

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as te ground was hrad. His only son, Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my teoubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
Afew days later he recieved a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sakeDad, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred
At 4 am the next morning FBI agents and the local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man recieved another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred

2007-07-11 12:58:02 · 35 answers · asked by Jenae, TV (tempter of the vile) 5

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples
eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably
for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with
no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -
"They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a
thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some
of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"



She answered,
"THE TEETH"

2007-07-11 12:44:44 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-11 12:36:42 · 23 answers · asked by Carey 2

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

I hope you like it =]

2007-07-11 12:36:25 · 3 answers · asked by =] 4