Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

(think of the fighter with a german accent, and the host with an american one)

Talk show host: here we have today, a man who fuaght in WWII. can you tell me what was the scariest expiriance you ever faced?

Fighter: well once, i was in the air and, there were to Pholkers to my left, one above and another pholker below me

host: to our studio audience, id like to tell you that he's talking about the german engineered "pholker", it was used as a deadly air craft in WWII

fighter: NO no no. these Pholkers were flying Mesuresmitz

(star if you like it ^_~)

2007-07-12 13:09:41 · 5 answers · asked by Mollie 5

"President Bush today announced a new fitness plan to get people walking...."























"...It's called gasoline at three dollars a gallon"

2007-07-12 13:07:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little b****ards"

2007-07-12 13:01:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mario was going to Peach's castle for a party. When he gets there Peach says to him,

Peach: Mario, I'm glad you could make it to my party!
Mario: I have terrific news!
Peach: You gave up mushrooms?
Mario: No, I'm a level 45
Peach: Yesterday you said you where a level 40.
Mario: Yeah, I am. My mustache is a level 5

2007-07-12 12:58:32 · 5 answers · asked by ? 1

2007-07-12 12:44:14 · 4 answers · asked by Calvin James Hammer 6

Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips?"asks Bill. John answers, "It's simple - watch..."

John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill askes, "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"!

2007-07-12 12:40:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.funny.com/funny?fn=CCSFB

2007-07-12 12:32:25 · 8 answers · asked by Krmfuentes 3

2007-07-12 12:29:02 · 10 answers · asked by Oldvet 4

STARS IF U LIKE

Little tommy was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little tommy thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?

The scene in the film was tense and the audience sat enthralled. Suddenly, the hero slapped the heroine on the face. In the silence that followed, a young voice piped up: 'Why doesn’t she hit back like you do, mummy?'

Lawyer: 'Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth—why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?' Defendant: 'I didn’t want to wake the children.'

Sam: “I hear you’re marrying again” But your wife passed away only three days ago!” Tam: “I know, but I am not one to hold a grudge long!”

2007-07-12 12:23:59 · 8 answers · asked by **beep** 6

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your **** twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

2007-07-12 11:53:38 · 9 answers · asked by stupid 4

a boy is old that every adult has a dark secret and that all he needed to do was say he knew the whole truth..
with that, he went 2 his mom nd said 'i know the whole truth!!'
his mom turnd to him quickly, gave him 50 quid and said 'just don't tell your father.
he walked through to his dad in the lounge and again said 'i know the whole truth!!'
he whips out 100 quid and says just don't tell your mother!!
the next day he walks down the path to the street, a smile across his face. he sees the postman and decides he could use some more cash.
he walks up to him and says 'i know the whole truth!!'
the postman looks at him, stands up straight, drops his bag and says 'well then, come give your father a hug son!!'

2007-07-12 11:48:09 · 11 answers · asked by stupid 4

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Jimmy had married a woman from the USA and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Tony had married a woman from Italy. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, most of the swelling had gone and he could see a little out of his left eye. Just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

2007-07-12 11:45:36 · 5 answers · asked by stupid 4

A redhead, a blonde and brunette was talking to GOD after the died.
God said, " I will tell you 100 jokes and if you laugh You may go to heaven, and I know if you fake the laugh."
So God told them his first joke and the brunette laughed and went to heaven.
God told the redhead and blonde his 50th joke and the redhead laughed and went to heaven.
God was about to say his 99th joke the blonde laughed and God asked,"Why are you laughing? I haven't even said the next joke."
And she said,"I got the first one"...

2007-07-12 11:31:00 · 5 answers · asked by stupid 4

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.


She responded, 'The b-a-s-t-e-r-d used coins!'

2007-07-12 11:25:55 · 12 answers · asked by stupid 4

A girl is arguing with a teacher in class about the Bible...

Girl: Teacher, did Jonah really survive in a fish for three days?

Teacher: I don't believe that he could.

Girl: Well, when I go to Heaven I will ask him.

Teacher: What if he went to Hell?

Girl: Then you can ask him.

2007-07-12 11:23:05 · 9 answers · asked by stupid 4

Did you hear about the couple who went on a seven day fishing honeymoon? He came back with twenty pounds of trout and she came back with a red snapper.

2007-07-12 11:19:50 · 5 answers · asked by ZenWoman 4

i am a women and i sometimes moan alot ?





moan to what?

2007-07-12 11:18:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

2007-07-12 11:08:03 · 19 answers · asked by moneyman_0101 2

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children...




"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

2007-07-12 10:38:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 skinny models walk to into mcdonalds and when they walk out.........

2007-07-12 10:23:32 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bear walked into a bar, set down and said: Gimme a beer.
Bartender says: We dont serve beer to bears in this bar!
Bear: I SAID gimme a beer!
Bartender: And I said that we don't serve bears beer in this bar!
Bear: Give me a beer, or Im gonna each that woman down there!
Bartender: You ain't gettin no beer!
Bear walks down to the end of the bar and eats the young lady, then walks back to the bartender and says: Beer!
Bartender: We don't serve beer to bears and surely not drug addicted bears either!
Bear: What?
Bartender: That was the barbitchuate!

2007-07-12 10:14:01 · 5 answers · asked by pappysgotitgoinon 5

2007-07-12 10:00:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was wandering around a fairground and saw a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh; he went inside and sat down.

"Ah," said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what you think."

2007-07-12 09:58:45 · 14 answers · asked by a m 4

"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was
recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave my hypodermics, and, to top it all,
tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy".
"Wow! How did you pull through ?", asked his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied...
continuing, "it was the toughest Spelling Test I ever had!"

2007-07-12 09:40:57 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

shag " she replies "I`m on my menstrual cycle ". Great says Paddy I`m on my scooter " I`ll follow you home ".

2007-07-12 09:31:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

And thats not in a cruel way, just because of the name! :P

2007-07-12 09:29:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Laura Bush was talking to Dick Cheney about "W's" upcoming birthday, and told him "I bought George a parrot for his birthday, and I've been playing George's speeches to it to teach it to speak."

DIck says "Well, Laura - that is an excellent idea. How is he doing?"

Laura replies "Well he is finally learning to pronounce some of the bigger words correctly, but he really does not know what they mean at all!"

Cheney replied "well, that's OK -- neither does the parrot!"

2007-07-12 08:52:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

and you were presented with 3 doors, two of which have nothing behind them, 1 has a new car. After choosing door number one, the host (who obviously knows where the car is) opens door number 3 to reveal that there is nothing behind it. You then get an option to switch to door number 2. What do you do and why? Best explained answer gets 10 points.

2007-07-12 08:52:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need to know if maybe the 4th level is impossible or not.
here is the puzzle site.
http://www.winterrowd.com/maze/

Thanks

2007-07-12 08:31:46 · 6 answers · asked by Father Ted 5

2007-07-12 08:20:59 · 9 answers · asked by lawson b 1