Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

2007-07-13 11:10:38 · 5 answers · asked by Katziie .x 2

One day,
a boy walked into school late,
and his teacher asked him where he'd been,
and he said "On top of Strawberry Hill"
So she excused him and continued teaching.

Later on, another boy walked in,
and the teacher asked him where he'd been.
He replied "On top of Strawberry Hill."
Confused, she ordered him to is seat.

Then a new girl walked in, and the teacher asked her her name, and she answered
"Strawberry Hill."

2007-07-13 11:02:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . ."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".

At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army".

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

2007-07-13 10:52:20 · 11 answers · asked by junior j 1

Ok, as a former bartender, I've probably heard every bar joke in existance, but Here's your chance to prove me wrong. Bring on all your best "somebody or something " walks into a bar joke. The best one will be the one with the most thumbs up, so rate eachother, and I'll give the ten points. Good luck, and have fun. Looking forward to your jokes and stories, Take care everyone.

2007-07-13 10:35:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What letter makes ma mad?

2007-07-13 10:22:03 · 7 answers · asked by DanKohner 4

Two elderly men were sitting, conversing, while their wives were in the kitchen making dinner. Joe asks, "So, Bill, I've been thinking about going to that memory improvement clinic you told me about. Do you think it will really help me?"

Bill says, "Absolutely. It worked wonders for me. For example I learned to use visualization and word association to help me remember things."

Joe says, "Well I could really use the help. You know, as I've gotten older I'm having trouble with my memory. What was the name of the clinic?"

Bill got a puzzled look on his face and then asked, "What's the name of that red flower? You know, it smells really sweet and has thorns."

Joe says, "You mean a rose?"

"Right, right, that's it a rose!" Bill then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

2007-07-13 10:09:48 · 11 answers · asked by Chewie 3

b/c i am blonde and im tired of ppl telling blonde jokes. i mean i look justlike my avatar (hair wise) and im not dumb!!

2007-07-13 09:45:25 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

..and another one for me mate Donkey face?"

(Ok I know you've already heard it!! It was probably me that told
you! Anyway it's my favourite joke so just shut up and listen.)

They sit down and drink up.
Donkey face then goes back up to the bar and says,"Cccccould I have a pppppppint of Lager aaaaaaaaand another one for my
mmmmmmmmmmate please?"
"Certainly" says the barman, "by the way" he adds quietly "if you don't mind my saying it, he's not much of a mate! he called you donkey face earlier!" "I know" replied DF "Eeyore eeyore eeyorelways calls me that."

2007-07-13 09:38:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just Like Mom ***

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ol' mom?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not... My dad can't stand her!"

James' Beard ***

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

2007-07-13 09:37:43 · 23 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

Something Real Cheap ****

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"

Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror
Lost of Memory ***

An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with Strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

2007-07-13 09:29:07 · 13 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

His drugs were robbed, he calls the cops to report a robbery, later they all him back to come in & collect them with his I.D. & he does!!!

2007-07-13 09:22:11 · 4 answers · asked by strange-artist 7

3 young ladies and her mom made a deal that the night of their honeymoon they will call her and will use a commercial to describe to her, how that first night was…
The first one to get married calls her mom after “making official” their marriage
“MAXWELL” and she hung up

The mother looks like crazy her daily newspaper to find Maxwell: “good to the last drop”
The mother smiles with approval.

Her 2nd daughter gets married and on her first night she also calls her mom “Sure”
She gets her pile of newspaper & looks for the Sure (deodorant) advertisement: “wont let you down”
She smiles with approval

Finally her third and last daughter gets married, as promised she also calls
“American Airlines”
She looks like crazy and she finds American Airlines: “24/7 365 days, non-stop all routs”

2007-07-13 09:22:08 · 12 answers · asked by sara76c 4

paddy and murphy go past the job centre and theres a sign saying ..tree fellars wanted ... paddy says "its a shame theres only two of us...

2007-07-13 09:19:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


I don't know the answer and it's bugging me

2007-07-13 09:06:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm playing a preview round at Bandon's newest golf course, Bandon Crossings: http://www.bandoncrossing...

I need golfing insults and jokes to entertian the rest of the foursome.

2007-07-13 08:56:55 · 5 answers · asked by jbrandtc 5

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that his bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Ray, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Ray!"

2007-07-13 08:52:18 · 12 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

What walks on 4 legs, the 2, then 3 at different times in its life?

2007-07-13 08:47:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pub, and says to the barman,"G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The barman says,"Seems as though you've got a major stuttering problem."

The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-kidding!"

The barman says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since!"

The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's g-great to k-k-know....."

A week later, the same man walks into the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-b-beer."

The man says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"

"I d-d-did!" says the man,"it j-j-just d-d-didn't w-w-work..........b-b-but I m-m-ust s-say, y-you have a r-r-really n-n-nice h-h-house!"

2007-07-13 08:46:46 · 19 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and his elbow accidently knocks her breast.
Both of them are quite startled.

The man turns to her and says "Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast I know you will forgive me"

The woman replies," If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 232."

2007-07-13 08:34:34 · 21 answers · asked by ? 5

drive a jeep from the top to the bottom of a gigantic mountain, never being able to go under 70mph, with a beehive in the back seat, . . . or . . . walk 2 miles on top of broken glass, naked, balancing 3 dictionarys on your head?

2007-07-13 08:33:07 · 14 answers · asked by Yes 2

In the basket is a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the list, puts the goods in the basket and takes out the correct amount of money from the purse.
The dog then runs off home.
This happens every week, and the grocer becomes so impressed by the dogs intelligence and dedication to its task he decides to follow it home to see if the owner would be willing to sell it.
The dog eventually leads the grocer to a run down house where it puts the basket down on the door-step and rings the front door bell with its nose.
After a few moments an old woman opens the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick.
"Stop" shouts the grocer, "What are you doing? that's the most intelligent dog I've ever seen in my life."
"Intelligent my ****!" shouts the old woman, "Thats the third time this week he's forgotten his keys."

2007-07-13 08:28:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

2007-07-13 08:21:41 · 23 answers · asked by 2bitnobody 2

Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Scott said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this
anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

2007-07-13 08:18:41 · 47 answers · asked by ♥RaCheL♥ 6

What does a dwraf get when he runs through Snow White's legs?








A clit round the ear and a flap accross the face!

2007-07-13 08:11:50 · 18 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Okay All! My grandpa was telling my sister and I jokes (he was a lil off key, if ya know what I mean) And where doing "three's"jokes, like "what are the three main parts of a stove?" (lifter, leg, & poker) "The three main parts of a garden" (lettuce, turnip, and pea) Stupid and corny I know, but he was going to tell us the three main parts of a china man, and was stopped by my mother. He refused to ever tell us the joke, and later passed away. For years my sister and I have tried to figure it out, it would be really cool if anyone knew this really stupid joke, just so we could laugh and remember him. Thanks everyone!

2007-07-13 07:45:12 · 7 answers · asked by cooling1981 3

What does the reflection look like when you place a mirror tilted against a wall and peed on it?

Do you have any random thoughts to share?

2007-07-13 07:36:18 · 5 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

decided to give your wife 800 dollars a week.” “That’s very fair, your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

2007-07-13 07:11:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating there 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite me on my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked. He answered, "To get my teeth!"

2007-07-13 07:06:17 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They Discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any More chicken."He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought Peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eatingchicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

2007-07-13 07:04:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

He was stealing people's wishing coins from the fountain and he looked like he could use a nice bath.

2007-07-13 06:59:43 · 24 answers · asked by Wookie Love 2