Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

What's greater than god, more evil than the devil, what the rich want, the poor have, and when you eat it you die?

I got stumped on this riddle, my friend told me the riddle. Then when he told me the answer it all makes sense. So what is it?

2007-07-14 17:58:39 · 12 answers · asked by Midget 2

What is greater than god, evil than the devil. The rich need it, the poor have it. Guess a word..

2007-07-14 17:39:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-14 17:28:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One Summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the Cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on th e beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "Her name is Sally, and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

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(You're gonna hate me for this... Scroll down some more)




A little bit more...........










She sells C cells by the seashore.

2007-07-14 17:26:02 · 22 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

An elderly couple were driving cross country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

2007-07-14 16:16:35 · 30 answers · asked by junior j 1

This is not a hard laughing joke.

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl.

2007-07-14 16:14:35 · 15 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Okay, when I was driving, one of those trucks with a bunch of cars on them pulled over and offered me a ride. They loaded my car onto the truck and we just went home. We kept picking up more and more people, then eventually we had like 12 cars on the truck filled with people.

The truck was pulled over for speeding, so the cop gave us all tickets!!

2007-07-14 15:05:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boy, I could sure use a good f**-! Wife says, "That's terrible you shouldn't talk like that! Why don't you say something nicer, like, ummm, Honey, can I use your wash machine?" Husband says, "Okay, honey can I use your wash machine?"Wife says, "NO!" Husband gets up to go to the bathroom. While he is there, she thinks to herself, "Boy, that was pretty mean of me. I think I'll let him".

Husband comes back to bed. Wife rolls over facing him and says, "Okay, honey, you may use my wash machine." husband says,"














"No thanks, it was a small load, I did it by hand."

2007-07-14 14:06:40 · 25 answers · asked by billy brite 6

A blonde jus turned 18 and is movin out. her mom tells her not to open up her legs for jus any one, tht they have to b special. so she agrees and heads off. a few wks later she calls her mom and tells her shes opened her legs over 50 times. her mother is shocked and askes her y she didnt save it for someone special. the blonde replies. "o i did. i went to a mental hospital and u wouldnt belive how many special people i met. they all got a turn."

2007-07-14 13:47:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok i am prob gonna get violated but sry..... sum1 left me this wierd comment and i dont wanna take any chances:

One night these five girls were having a sleepover when they heard chaos at the end of her street. They went down to find out what was happening. They learned that a woman was raped and the man was on the loose. So they quickly run home and bolt everything down. Everything settles down for a while then they started hearing weird noises coming from outside. They let their minds go wild so they got scared and hid inside a closet. The man was really outside and found a window that had a broken bolt. He crept in quietly. The girls were scared shitless. He walked into the room and opened the closet, the girls screamed and ran in separate directions. Four of the girls went downstairs and locked the cellar door, which was right above the bathroom. He caught the fifth girl and took her into the bathroom, raped her, and skinned her alive. Her friends heard her die that night but coul

2007-07-14 13:36:18 · 17 answers · asked by Gshsbrhjsjjnbbd 3

A Biker walks into a bar, walks up to the middle of the bar, orders a beer, and turns around and says, "Everyone on this half of the bar are a**holes". Takes another drink and says, "Everyone on the other half of the bar are gay."
Then he just stood there, just waiting for someone to do something or say something. Just then, a guy gets up and starts walking across the bar.
The Biker says, "And just where do you think YOU'RE going?"
The guy looks over at him and says, "Oh, I think I'm on the wrong side of the bar."

2007-07-14 13:30:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

10pts to the first person who gets it all right.

1.A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?

2.A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?

3.A man kills his brother in plain sight of many people, and yet he will never be charged with murder or any other crime. Why not?

4.What always ends everything?

5.The man who makes it does not need it. The man who buys its does not use it. The man who uses it doesn't know he is. What is it?

2007-07-14 13:27:15 · 13 answers · asked by m○○♥m○○ 4

...and forget to start again??

2007-07-14 13:13:45 · 12 answers · asked by margarita 7

A man was pulled over for running a stop sign. It just so happened a police car was right there and the guy got pulled over. The cop approached the car and asked for insurance, registration, licence, etc., and started to write a ticket. The guy beg with him, saying, "Why do you have to write me a ticket? I slowed down, didn't I?"
So the cop pulled out his billy club and started whacking the guy with it. Then he asked, "O.K., Now, do you want me to slow down? Or do you want me to stop?"

2007-07-14 13:10:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man saw his friend hitting a mango in a tree with stones. The man asked " what are you doing?"
His friend replied " trying to hit down that mango from the tree"
The man asked " Well, how do you know if it's ripe?"
His friend said " let me check"
So he climbed the tree to the branch where the mango was, felt it, then climbed back down.
He said " It's ripe" and continued to stone the mango.

2007-07-14 12:59:47 · 10 answers · asked by MW 2

A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, "I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He was interrupted. "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."

Two weeks went by and the man came back. "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way....nice house!"

2007-07-14 12:55:26 · 21 answers · asked by trancelator25574 1

logn ago in the woods, there lived a mother and her son. every night they were disturbed by a monster trying to eat them.
one night, while the mother is cooking their viand for supper she run out of salt. " my son..can you please buy me salt from the store? she said to her son. "but mama, it's already evening! i'm afraid of the monster!!" the boy replied. "here take this slingshot! and when you see the monster shot it with this." "but mama, how can i know what the monster looks like?" the boy asked her. " the monster has an awful smell and has many hairs aroung his body." "ok, i will now buy the salt." when the boy finally set his foot at the door, he saw the monster hiding in the bushes. he quickly run to his mother. "mama! mama! the monster is hiding in the bushes!!! i'm so afraid!!!" cried his son. "ok! hide here inside my wide long skirt so that the monster will not find you". the boy was really afraid when he smell an awful smell. and when he finally look up he -stil ading det.

2007-07-14 12:48:53 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three elderly men are sitting around the retirement home one day. The youngest, 65 yrs old says, "You know what I miss about being young?" Then answers his own question. "Being able to urinate without a problem. Now, by the time I get to the toilet I don't have to go or I have to work to hard to go."
The next grandpa, 75 yrs old pipes in with, "That nothing. Wait til you get to be my age and your bowels give you trouble. You sit on the toilet for hours sometimes."
The last one, 85 yrs old, says, "Ah, you kids got nothing to complain about. At my age I urinate like a race horse every morning at 7:00 am sharp, like clockwork. Then at 8:00am every morning my bowles move regular as the sun coming up."
The other two look at each other, then back at the older man and ask, "What have you got to complain about?"

The old man says,

"I don't wake up each morning until 9:00am."

2007-07-14 12:46:30 · 7 answers · asked by Topper 3

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,
time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows
the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I
bought this month."
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery
will always overcome youth and skill!

2007-07-14 12:38:54 · 16 answers · asked by trancelator25574 1

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 4 stones as soon as possible due to very serious health risks.
As he wondered how he would ever do it, he saw an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAMME.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls
and subscribes to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss programme.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5- day / 20 pound programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50 pound programme.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous programme."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

2007-07-14 12:36:50 · 26 answers · asked by trancelator25574 1

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a CAD Designer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

2007-07-14 12:35:26 · 20 answers · asked by trancelator25574 1

A woman meets an extremely handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they leave together.
When they get back to his place, he shows her around his
apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves on one of the bedroom walls with hundreds and hundreds of the teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.
It's obvious that he's taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she's immediately touched by the amount of thought he's put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous teddy bears running the entire length of the top shelf.
While she finds it strange for a young man to have such a large collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, she doesn't mention this to him. In fact, she is actually quite impressed by what she perceives as his sensitive side. All the while she's thinking to herself ...maybe this guy could be the one...
maybe he could father my children...
maybe...
She turns to him. They kiss. They rip off each other's clothes.
They make hot and steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy replies: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

2007-07-14 12:33:08 · 16 answers · asked by trancelator25574 1

2007-07-14 12:17:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

star if you like it
There were these 2 boys walking in a forest.Then they spot a barn and go to it.They knock on the door and a farmer comes out.One of the boys says"Can we stay in your barn tonight?we are tired and need a place to sleep"The farmer says"ok but dont look in the shed out side the barn"The 2 boys agree and go to the barn to sleep.In the middle of the night one of the boys wonders what is in the shed,so he goes into it.The next thing he knew,there was the farmer standing next to him with a gun pointing at his head.the farmer said"i told you not to look in here and now you are going to pay!Either pick 50 of your fav fruits or die"The boy chose picking fruit.Then the other boy wakes up and wants to see whats in the shed, he looks in it and sees the farmer holding a gun up to his head.he says the same thing to the boy and he goes to get his fav fruit.the other boy came back with 50 rasberries.the farmer said "ok now start shoving them up your nose"so he does.he gets 2(more)

2007-07-14 12:00:54 · 13 answers · asked by Monkey girl 2

why'd she wear the itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow poka-dot bikini?

2007-07-14 11:58:36 · 8 answers · asked by BOOP! 2

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

2007-07-14 11:57:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

“How do you know?” said the husband, “You don’t even know what the carburettor is,”
“I’m telling you,” repeated the wife, “I’m sure there’s water in the carburettor.”
“We’ll see,” mocked the husband, “Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the swimming pool,”

2007-07-14 11:55:49 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Late one night, during a heavy storm, a young girl was readding a book. Suddenly, the power went out. The young girl had no candles, or light of any kind, yet she kept on reading. How was she reading?

2007-07-14 11:28:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

In other words, which letter of our alphabet was used by the Nazis to make the swastika even though they didn't know it back then and it wasn't really based on this one letter. How many times would you use this one letter to make that swastika?

2007-07-14 10:14:39 · 23 answers · asked by ZORRO 3

Mine is 135, right where it should be for someone in my profession. Just curious to see where others are.

2007-07-14 09:43:56 · 20 answers · asked by kvpatel007 2