Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Three men went to stay at a hotel. They went to the front desk to check in. The man at the front desk said their total is $30.00. They each paid ten and went up to their room. A few minutes later, the man at the front desk said to the bell boy, "I charged those men to much, they were only supposed to pay $25.00! Here is five dollars, go give it back to them!". So the bell boy took the five dollars and headed up to their room. On his way up, he thought, "How do I split five dollars into three?" So he decided to give them each one dollar and keep two for himself. That means each man only paid nine dollars, and nine times three is 27 dollars, pluss the two the bell boy kept for him self equals 29, where is the missing dollar?

2007-07-15 08:07:18 · 22 answers · asked by Sami♥ 2

The Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy
READ SLOWLY
1. A day without sunshine is like..... night.
2. On the other hand,...... you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable,...... except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK,.............. so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.





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2007-07-15 07:50:43 · 8 answers · asked by kayboff 7

An agents finds out that his top actress client has been moonlighting as an escort.

Having long lusted after her, he asks if he can have sex with her later that night. She agrees, but says, "You'll have to pay like everyone else."

The agent agrees and meets the actress at her house that night. After turning out all the lights, they have sex. The actress falls asleep, but 10 minutes later she's woken up and the scene repeats itself. This goes on for the next few hours.

Eventually the actress screams out, "This is amazing! I never knew agents were so virile."

A voice from the dark replies, "Lady, i'm not your agent. He's at the door selling tickets."

2007-07-15 07:24:15 · 17 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

2007-07-15 07:18:44 · 8 answers · asked by Elizibeth-Hope 2

Damn Kids!

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon
inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have
been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating
situation. So he puts up a sign that reads, "Warning: One
Of These Watermelons Contains Cyanide!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of
the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another
sign that reads: "Now There Are Two!"

2007-07-15 07:15:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a mans garden stands a stone 4 foot high, the nextdoor neighbour has also a stone in his garden but it is 2 foot smaller. The stones have been standing for 3 years, so the question is,,,

why balloon cup nozzel banger?

2007-07-15 07:01:39 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-15 07:00:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

2007-07-15 06:30:05 · 18 answers · asked by shorty 1

Ed joined the Foreign Legion for the usual reasons but the one thing he couldn't forget was sex. "What do you do about sex around here?" he asked his bunk-mate Ted.
"There's a camel train that comes in here once a month," Ted replied.
"And there are women in this train are there?"
"Nope."
"Boys?"
"Nope."
"I see," Ed said. "You ride the camels down to some brothel do you."
"Nope, we shag the camels."
"I'd have to be pretty desperate to shag a camel," said Ed.
"You will be," said Ted confidently.
By the time the camel train came around Ed was hornier than a rhino and ready to shag anything. On sight of the camels the Legionaires abandoned their work and started to run across the dunes to where they had been tied up. "What's the hurry?" Ed asked Ted. "There must be fifty camels over there and there's only thirty of us - more than enough to go around."
"Yeah," said Ted. "But you don't want to get an ugly one do you?"

2007-07-15 06:26:40 · 6 answers · asked by "!" 5

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!"

2007-07-15 06:22:10 · 3 answers · asked by pd6491 2

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

and

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

2007-07-15 06:15:33 · 4 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Brave

Intelligent

Gentle

Polite

Energetic

Nimble

Industrious

Sensitive


And if all else fails, well .........
Read only the CAPITAL LETTERS

2007-07-15 05:55:48 · 20 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

2007-07-15 05:51:10 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-07-15 05:06:52 · 38 answers · asked by vj_123y 1

the ERECTERIUS TROUSERIUS or the 'trouser snake' is the most dangerous snake.colour varies from pink to black.it is fangless.its highly venemous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting nine months.average length is 3-9 inches.usually appears in bedrooms but found in unusual places also.attacks women in the lower part of the abdominal area.it has been known to attack men from behind!
BEWARE!

2007-07-15 04:56:08 · 16 answers · asked by red D 4

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to
Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess
I'd better see a doctor.

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot
cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up
and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample
into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer
could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
(Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow
will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"

2007-07-15 04:24:30 · 16 answers · asked by a m 4

2007-07-15 04:15:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.He says, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get into your pants." Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart *** attitude you never will."

2007-07-15 04:14:41 · 3 answers · asked by Mrs. Efron <3 2

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way! I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened the third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah I could handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . "Monica you're free to go..."

2007-07-15 03:59:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this little boy (Jay) who got sick and tired of staying home all the time, so he asked his dad, “if he could go to town” and dad said, “Son we don’t have any money but go ask your mom.” So Jay went inside and asked his mom if he could go to town… Mom said okay but get money from dad!!! Dad told Jay grab you one of them DUCKS and have a great time… So Jay started walking to town and came up on this house and this girl was outside with nothing on, she said “How about a good time for a very little cost” Jay said WOW!! But all I got is this duck. She said okay I take the duck… the do there thing and (wow you’re so good, harder, harder) Well they get done and the girl tells him she would like to do it again and he tells her its going to cost you so she give him back the DUCK. So they go at it again… They get done again and Jay takes that duck and walks out side and gets hit by an 18 wheeler. The driver jumps out and saying “Oh Man Oh Man!!! I can not get another ticket, Jay said you killed my duck!!!! The Driver said how about I pay you for your duck so the police aren’t called… When Jay got home Dad asked if he had fun and Jay said yes, Well what did you do asked Dad,

“I got a duck for a fuc*, A fuc* for a Duck & $50 for a fuc*ed up duck!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

2007-07-15 03:57:17 · 13 answers · asked by mlscsp2 1

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don`t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it`s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it`s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

2007-07-15 03:56:38 · 58 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ed and Ted stood on the top of a cliff. Ed held a budgerigar in his hand. Ted had a parrot.
"I'll go first," said Ed and with that he stepped out into empty space and fell thirty foot to the ground below breaking both legs and fracturing his pelvis. Unconcerned Ted threw his parrot up, drew a pistol and shot the poor bird before it had chance to fly away. Then he stepped off the cliff and plummeted to the ground faring little better than Ed.
Ed rolled painfully until he was face to face with Ted. "I'm going to give up budgie-jumping," he said.
"Yeah," said Ted. "And I don't think this parrot shooting is all its cracked up to be either."

2007-07-15 03:19:10 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to
pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with
his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites
him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't
you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're
planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will
probably just go to the soda shop or a
movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two
go out and screw? I hear all the kids are
doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise
to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to
repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really
likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we
let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up,
and his plan for the evening was beginning
to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes
downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby
escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind
her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

2007-07-15 03:08:16 · 17 answers · asked by freakokalam 2

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-07-14 23:23:39 · 13 answers · asked by Hmnbyr Spencer 1

why not?

first correct answer gets 10 pts!

2007-07-14 22:04:21 · 14 answers · asked by d_wart3 2

2007-07-14 21:23:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One is a Good Year and the other was a Great Year.

2007-07-14 21:18:47 · 8 answers · asked by jenny 2

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

2007-07-14 20:07:33 · 16 answers · asked by jenny 2

Yer a bloody genius bloke. Here is yer next clue: Me ship went down in shark infested waters one day and I found meself swimmin wif em. Some of them nibbled at me legs but one big fella got greedy. What did he take?

2007-07-14 18:02:28 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man visits the doctorbecause he has a severe stuttering problem.After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering." "Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?" The doctorthinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up. Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation.However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches. The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:"fff uuccck offff"

2007-07-14 18:00:37 · 4 answers · asked by junior j 1