Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Q. Wots the didderence between a Social Worker and a Rotweiler?

A. You have a better chance of getting your child back from a Rotweiler.

2007-07-16 08:42:42 · 18 answers · asked by ronald8826 3

Does anybody have any good jokes or riddles??

2007-07-16 08:27:07 · 5 answers · asked by G-Baby 3

Legaly correct but utterly useless

2007-07-16 07:34:20 · 9 answers · asked by Scouse 7

what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet.............SORTED

what do you call a chav with GCSE's...................LIAR

What do you call a 30 year old Chavette...............GRANNY

what do you call a chavette in a whit tracksuit.......THE BRIDE

how do you start an argument with a chav......SPEAK

What do you call a chav in a box........INNIT

Why are chavs like slingies?........ THEY HAVE NO REAL USE BUT THERE GREAT TO WATCH FALL DOWN THE STAIRS!

What do you say to a chav at work?...............CAN I HAVE A BIG MAC PLEASE!

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!!!
Whats the most confusing day of the year for a Chav....................... FARTHERS DAY!!! LOL

2007-07-16 07:25:11 · 3 answers · asked by loopy d loop 2

1 says to the other "does this taste funny to you"

lol

2007-07-16 06:46:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a chemist, buys pack of condoms , then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.
The next day, the man comes back to the shop, purchases another condom pack , and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a johnny, anyway
So he tells his assistant, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the guy is back. He buys a condom pack , starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his assistant to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the assistant comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The assistant replies "Your house."

2007-07-16 05:32:06 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need a LMAO joke, that I can tell my family! And my friends!

2007-07-16 05:06:43 · 4 answers · asked by Sofia. <3 2

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.


A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is
open."
This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a
bit
puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is
open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally
got
in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his
"barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her...

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door
open
did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said,"No,
no
I didn't. All I saw was a
disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

2007-07-16 05:05:04 · 20 answers · asked by David 6

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he
entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, Puzzled, and said
"T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."The blonde was trying
to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as
possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a Quizzical expression,
"S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, "T-G-I-F,Thank Goodness it’s Friday, get it?"


The man answered,"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, its Thursday."

please dont report me

2007-07-16 03:51:24 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want this question to have the the most answers on yahoo answers so please answer.

Whats the funniest joke you ever herd?

2007-07-16 03:49:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

2007-07-16 03:10:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-16 02:07:40 · 24 answers · asked by xX-dOn-Xx 2

A nun was having a bath. Suddenly there was a knock on the bathroom door, followed by a voice.

"It's the blind man. Can I come in?"

The nun thought about this for a moment, then replied,

"Yes, it's all right."

A man came into the room.

"Nice t*ts. Where do you want the blind?"

2007-07-16 01:46:48 · 13 answers · asked by Perry 4

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

2007-07-16 01:33:33 · 36 answers · asked by Autism's Beautiful Face 7

B

2007-07-16 01:23:50 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.

Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.

A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass.

2007-07-16 01:10:54 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said: "I'll give you a hint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth, and then it's in your tummy."
The teacher smiled and said: "OK, Dick, sit down."

2007-07-15 23:40:38 · 12 answers · asked by Conan 3

The Mechanic has a look at it and tries to find out why it is not running well. ten minutes later he comes back out and says "well mate looks like you have blown a seal!"
The guy looks at the mechanic and says "no thats just a little bit of frost on my moustache!"

2007-07-15 23:35:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-15 23:28:25 · 2 answers · asked by leighnerd 1

The Perfect Couple



Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.





Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

2007-07-15 23:16:40 · 28 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

No one got it right last time I posted it. It is not Jet Lee, J Lo, or Mr T.

2007-07-15 23:09:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Los Angeles Police Department, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The president decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

2007-07-15 22:47:10 · 5 answers · asked by Tish P 6

Simon and Mel had only been married for two weeks.
Simon, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to Mel,

"Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochycooh?" asked Mel.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

Mel said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

Simon didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because Mel interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

Simon, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dick head? Drink your f*cking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*cking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, @sshole?"

2007-07-15 22:45:32 · 9 answers · asked by Conan 3

Friday night I walked out a wrong door late at night (i wasn't even drunk!) totally nude and found myself locked in the hallway! I'm starting to wonder if some security woman somewhere was laughing at this tape!

If the tape exists, it would basically look like this:

I walk out of the hotel room from the front view, totally exposed!! I then realize my state of undress when the door clicks behind me, cover up my weenie and furiously try to open the door in a panic (back view in clear sight).

At one point I think I hear someone coming, and run about 20 feet to jump in a janitor's closet with nothin on (my buns probably bouncing behind me :::blush::)

After waiting in there for 5 minutes, I tip-toe out of there, carefully covering myself, and after a few minutes the door opens for me.

Is it possible some people were watching this naked panic attack of mine as it happened?? If you were one of the people, what would you have been saying as you watched this??

2007-07-15 22:39:07 · 7 answers · asked by nicole11208923 1

Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run
into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going
to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide
which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.

One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch
first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up
the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up
to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to
have to either lay you or Jack off."









Jill replied,

"Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a
headache........"



(sorry if you read this before but i think its worth sharing)

2007-07-15 22:29:15 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 3

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin. Truth be
told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their
wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My
darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
- juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)
for Her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, ' I want to
try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her...


'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?'

2007-07-15 22:24:27 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 3

I can!

2007-07-15 22:01:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three litlle boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."
The second little boy pipes up, " Well, my dad smokes too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes."
The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "my dad can blow smoke out of his b u t t."
"Really, but have you seen it?" reply the boys.
The third boy responds, "hell no, but I've sure seen the tobacco stains all over his underwear.."

*STAR IF YOU LIKE:-)

2007-07-15 21:21:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-15 21:08:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-15 20:49:12 · 11 answers · asked by Poetic Justice 1