Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

2007-07-17 01:00:32 · 4 answers · asked by heythere:) 1

If you were going down the freeway in a one-wheeled canoe and your walls fell off, how many pancakes would it take to cover your doghouse?

2007-07-17 00:41:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am organising a hen night where we are going dressed as army girls, the backs of our teeshirts will have little miss... slogans any ideas what we could be - suggestions so far: lil miss naughty, lil miss behavin, lil miss cheeky, lil miss horny etc etc

2007-07-17 00:21:23 · 8 answers · asked by vix 1

hint..... its not in december. happy guessing

2007-07-17 00:21:19 · 29 answers · asked by ryan199 1

hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
It's getting late, big boy, she says after a few minutes. Why don't we go upstairs to bed.
We might as well, slurs the husband. I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.

2007-07-16 23:40:32 · 13 answers · asked by Conan 3

are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

2007-07-16 23:39:51 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 3

When they get out of bed in the morning they decide to go down stairs and swear at their mum. One decide to says f*ck and the other one decides he would say a$$. The first one goes down to his mum and says "Mum can I have some f*cking coco pops?" His mother promptly turns around and smacks him and he goes running up the stairs crying. She asks the second kid, who is standing there all scared " What would you like for breakfast?" The second kid say " I don't know mum but you can bet your a$$ it won't be *cking coco pops!"

2007-07-16 23:23:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Telling your Dad you are gay.

2007-07-16 23:15:13 · 12 answers · asked by JohnnyOneLung 4

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked

To go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to

Get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack

Enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box?

We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick
My
Things up"

Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this
Sounds
A bit fishy
But being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband

Asked The following weekend he came home, a little tired but
Otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he

Caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill,

And a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk

Pyjamas like I asked you to do?"




The wife replied,

I did. They're in your fishing box.....

2007-07-16 23:14:16 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?", he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?, he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells: "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear asses downstairs, and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time: "I haven't made the friggen porridge yet!"

2007-07-16 23:11:52 · 5 answers · asked by Conan 3

in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I
have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here
- before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."

2007-07-16 23:09:38 · 4 answers · asked by Conan 3

He says "Sorry Officers what did I do wrong"
The officers reply "You have done nothing wrong sir but your wife fell out the car about 2 miles back"
THe guy replies "Thank f*ck for that I thought I had suddenly gone deaf"

2007-07-16 23:08:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you
can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you
are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "my picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next
to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the
new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaimes, "oh, oh, my,
let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!"

2007-07-16 23:08:15 · 6 answers · asked by Conan 3

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him;

'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

2007-07-16 23:07:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her
husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of
the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked around, still not
finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement where she finally found
her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall,
sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when
you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said
I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend
the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."

2007-07-16 22:54:22 · 18 answers · asked by pd6491 2

a man stood on a burning deck
eating red hot scollops
One fell down his trouser leg
and burnt him on the ankle......

.
.
.
Completely missed his b*ll*cks.

2007-07-16 22:48:08 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-16 22:41:53 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 I do physical labour
2 I work @ great depths
3 I plunge in2 everything i do
4 I dont get w-ends/public holidays off
5 I work in wet a enviro
6 I dont get paid overtime
7 I work in a place with poor ventilation
8 My work exposes me 2 contagious diseases.
LETTER FROM MANAGEMENT
Dear penis,
The admin rejects ur request 4 the following reasons,
1 u cant work 8h straight
2 u fall asleep on the job after brief periods
3 u dont always follow the orders of the management
4 u dont stay in ur assigned area & r often seen visitin other places
5 u dont take initiative & u need 2 b pressured/stimulated in order 2 work
6 u leave the workplace rather messy @ the end of ur shift
7u dont always observe necessary safty regulations such as wearin the right clothing
8u will retire b4 ur 65
9ur unable 2 work double shifts
10u sometimes leave work b4 u have done the task & if that were not @ all
11u've been seen enterin & exitin the workplace with 2 suspicious lookin bags
MANAGEMENT

2007-07-16 22:41:28 · 7 answers · asked by roxyturkey 2

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would ever agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern of yours
B. Not a problem - she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree
B. Priming is to painting
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Results

* If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
* If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
* If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, keep it up - Hard men are good to find!

2007-07-16 22:40:32 · 5 answers · asked by Conan 3

Little Johnny's dad gets Little Johnny a new televison in his room. One night Little Johnny stayed up late one night, runs down to his Dad and asks him what "LoveJuice" is. Little Johnny's Dad knew this day would come and explains to him the facts of life and everything to do with making love, every last bone-crunching detail. Little Johnny sits there with his mouth wide open, gobsmacked at the details he just heard. Little Johnny's Dad sends his son to bed and shouts up at him on his way up the stairs "what were you watching son"?. Little Johnny shouts back "Wimbledon" !

2007-07-16 22:06:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

walks into a
bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art
watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"

The fighter pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to
talk to me telepathically.

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be
broken because I am wearing panties!"

The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says,
"Damn thing's an hour fast."

2007-07-16 21:59:16 · 12 answers · asked by Conan 3

and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to takecare of first, the truck, the car, or Yahoo -always something I thought more important to do. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.When I arrived home one day, I
found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. Iwas gone only a few minutes when I came out again and handed her atoothbrush.I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway......

"The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.Moral to the story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband!!!

2007-07-16 21:53:55 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 3

Two test-tickles
(testacles)

2007-07-16 21:52:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in little fur coats.

2007-07-16 21:36:57 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 3

"To Whom It May Concern:

"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."

Delivered a short time later:

"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote
the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only
every other line."

2007-07-16 21:20:55 · 13 answers · asked by pd6491 2

A prospector goes into a saloon after 6 months of prospecting. He buys a bottle of whiskey, looks around and asks the bartender, where are the women? The bartender says they ain't made it this far west yet, but we got Ole Joe in the back room. The prospector jumps up and yells, I don't go for that and leaves. The prospector returns after 6 more months and buys a bottle of whiskey. He drinks half of it and starts looking for the women. He asks the bartender, have the women made it this far yet? The bartender says, no but we still got Ole Joe in the back room. The prospector says, just say I was to go in the back room with Ole Joe, how many people would have to know? The bartender says 5. The prospector says why 5? Bartender says, well there you, me and Ole Joe of course and two other fellows. Prospector asks, why two other fellows? Bartender says to hold Ole Joe down, he don't go for that either.

2007-07-16 21:13:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't ***
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

2007-07-16 20:38:18 · 14 answers · asked by pd6491 2

I said to myself............?

2007-07-16 20:22:16 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"

2007-07-16 20:18:45 · 12 answers · asked by Britain K 2

A widow.

2007-07-16 19:12:16 · 14 answers · asked by paparazzi 2