Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

.......suddenly he sees a shark speeding towards him. The man saw a show that a shark's nose is extremely sensitive, so with all of his might he hits the shark on the snout. The shark said, Owww..., why did you hit me, that hurt! The man said, I thought you were going to eat me. The shark replied, no I wasn't going to eat you, I was just swimming about like you were. The shark said sorry, I have to eat you now, the other sharks are watching.

2007-07-17 05:49:57 · 9 answers · asked by fox_71498 3

Little Johnny & April
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"

The Teacher fainted.

2007-07-17 05:38:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

He walks in wearing cling film for clothes, he says to his doctor i think i might be mentally ill.

The doc replies

I Can Clearly see your nuts

Star if u like

2007-07-17 05:17:48 · 18 answers · asked by i wish bob was my uncle dont you 2

What has 4 legs in the morning,
2 legs in the afternoon,
and 3 legs in the evening?

2007-07-17 05:16:14 · 10 answers · asked by willygromit 3

what are the 3 fastest ways of communitcating
1.internet
2.telephone
3.tell a woman

i now some of u have probably heard it but still hope u like it

2007-07-17 05:11:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest had been to a conference all day, and on returning to his very old church he decides to have a nice hot bath. He pulls the old tin tub out onto the alter, fills it, undresses and climbs in. He's puffing away on a ciggy when some git runs in and nicks his clothes and towels.

He gets out of the bath, and is wondering what to do when the church door opens and three old women come tottering in. The priest thinks 'oh ****, what should i do'. He's standing buck naked with a pack of cigs in one hand and a lighter in the other. 'I know' he decides to pretend to be a statue and stands holding his hands out to the sides.

The three old bids come down the aisle and finally notice this aborition and are somewhat taken aback. They stand chatting about the new church statue when one pipes up "i wonder what would happen if i pulled his dick?". The other two egg her on and looking round she leans forward and gives him a tug. The statue drops a pack of ciggerettes. "A MIRACLE FROM GOD" they all shout.

The second old bid turns to the others and says "wonder what would happen if i pulled his dick?", they urge her on, and looking around she leans forward, and gives it a tug. The statue drops a lighter. "A MIRACLE FROM GOD" they all shout.

The third old bid turns to the other two and says "wonder what would happen if i pulled his dick?" they push her forward urging her on. She looks about, leans forward and gives a tug. "LOOK" she shouts "HAND CREAM FROM GOD!"

2007-07-17 05:01:16 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.

The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."

"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"

"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!

u like?

2007-07-17 04:54:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-17 04:49:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says,
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar,
the driver looks over at his wife and growls at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

The wife says: "Only when he's been drinking."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

2007-07-17 04:37:30 · 19 answers · asked by "!" 5

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "that first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin? "
"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked
and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement , "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue. "

2007-07-17 04:21:48 · 10 answers · asked by ? ? 3

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

2007-07-17 04:02:37 · 9 answers · asked by sweetxoblivion 2

2007-07-17 04:02:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-17 03:20:50 · 5 answers · asked by kt 2

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-07-17 03:18:46 · 28 answers · asked by (¨`♥ Latina ♥´¨)™ 5

Surgeons !!!!! Cute !!!!!

5 SURGEON SIT AND TALK ABOUT WHICH PATIENTS ARE BETTER TO OPERATE ON

T he first surgeon, from New York , says: "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you openthem up, everything inside is
numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says: "No, I really think librarians are
the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up: "By far,
politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are
interchangeable.

Hey!Everybody jumping on the bandwagon asking for stars!
If You LIKE : ).Please leave One.

2007-07-17 03:14:11 · 15 answers · asked by Old Dawg 5

Have I got bricklayer tattooed on my forehead he asks her. A little while later she asks him to repair the light in the hall. Have I got electrician tattooed on my forehead he asks her. A little while later she tells him the boiler is faulty. Have I got plumber tattooed on forehead he shouts, thats it I am going to watch the match at the pub. Three hours later he returns and finds that the porch has been repaired, the hall light and boiler working perfectly. He asks his wife how she managed to get the jobs done. Well she said while you were out I was outside crying when an handsome young man asked why I was crying so I told him. I will do that for you he said. Will I have to pay you I asked. No just make a nice pie or we can make love. O said the husband, so what kind of pie did you make him. Have I got DELIA SMITH tattooed on my forehead asked his wife.?

2007-07-17 03:12:46 · 19 answers · asked by john j 1

DOCTOR
one who kills you today to prevent you from dying tomorrow

LAWYER
a learned man who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it for himself

EXPERT
a person who knows enough to complicate simple matters

GOOD SALESMAN
one who can convince an eskimo to buy a refrigirator

HOME
a place where we grumble the most and treated the best

BRAIN
that which we think we think.

DESTINY
a respectable name for failure

MOTORIST
one who keeps pedestrians in good running condition.

MODERN SCULPTOR
a man who takes a rough block of wood or stone, works on it for months and makes it look like a rough block of wood or stone.

2007-07-17 03:12:39 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed in such situations, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Visiting other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course . . .

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

2007-07-17 03:10:40 · 10 answers · asked by Jody W 4

if you were stranded in the middle of nowhere with a person of the opposite sex and nothing else

2007-07-17 03:00:14 · 14 answers · asked by Robert Rox!!! 2

A man goes to the doctors.the doc checks him over and says

"Sorry mate,but u have,yellow 24,a nasty virus,so called as it turns your blood yellow and u have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you,,just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth".

So he trudges home to wifey and breaks the news. Distaught she asks him to accompany her to bingo that night so he can experience her idea of night out,as he as never been before. He gets his 1st card and wins 4 corners-prize £350. Then gets a line and wins £200, He also calls for a full house and wins a grand. The national comes up and he wins a further £380.00. The bingo caller gets him on stage and says:

"Son, I've never seen you in here before in my life but you won 4 corners,any line, full house and the national. I've never met anyone so lucky".

"LUCKY??"he screamed"lucky I'll have u know I've got yellow 24".

"F**K ME"says the bingo caller, "you've won the raffle as well"

2007-07-17 02:54:13 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink scotch, beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or ride a chopper ,
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a sh*t?"

2007-07-17 02:48:46 · 16 answers · asked by Bfloyd15 3

Give up? Well it wouldn't be much use sending you to post a letter.
(on a more serious note, if I ever do want to send off a letter and I ask you to do it for me, please don't try to post it in an Elephant)

2007-07-17 02:44:16 · 12 answers · asked by malcolmg 6

You are stuck in a room with no windows or doors. a solid room. Only things that are in this room are a mirror and a table. how do you escape?
ill appreciate da help thanx :-)

2007-07-17 02:39:26 · 16 answers · asked by giltyplesher16 1

and it had no effect..... I was covered in Lynx, should I complain to the makers or wear clothes next time?

2007-07-17 02:30:10 · 22 answers · asked by Tiger01204 5

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like mechanics ... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington D.C , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."

2007-07-17 02:13:25 · 8 answers · asked by Moondog 7

what r the activities u get to do that we who didnt get the wombat identification cant do?
and can u giv us an exaple of the identification code??

2007-07-17 01:55:46 · 2 answers · asked by tonima 4

A Farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne , too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says. "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the man. As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different c@ck," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, What a coincidence. . ..

2007-07-17 01:54:02 · 9 answers · asked by Bfloyd15 3

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son," she said. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."!
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway and pull the door closed behind you." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS !

2007-07-17 01:43:19 · 34 answers · asked by "!" 5

Hmm...
A contest named "Doing The Milking"
3 contestant : Dutch Lady,American Lady and VN Lady...
Dutch lady goes to the cow stable...10 minutes later,she goes out with 10 buckets of milk,the crowd bravo !!!
American lady goes to the stable....20 minutes later,she goes out with 30 buckets of milk,the crowd say "DO IT AGAIN !!! BRAVO"
VN lady goes to the stable...2 hours later,she goes out with only 5 buckets of milk,the crowd say "MOVE MOVE MOVE !"
She screams to the crowd "GODDAMN ! WHO PUT THAT BULL IN MY STABLE ???"
The crowd "YAAAAAAAAY !!!" (^,^)

2007-07-17 01:13:52 · 8 answers · asked by crystal_heart100 5

On a flight to Singapore, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight
attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said,"You may use the ladies
room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did
what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA,
PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He
couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice
things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable
pleasure.

2007-07-17 01:08:39 · 5 answers · asked by tonal syndrome 3