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Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

Your honour, I am 75 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your
Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Foo king Son of a Witch!!

2007-07-16 12:38:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

4

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their bellybuttons????














Cause blond guys arnet that smart either

2007-07-16 12:25:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Yo mama is so fat when she puts on a yellow raincoat people shout TAXI!

Yo mama is so fat she could be the eighth continent.

2007-07-16 12:23:43 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Angel♥ 6

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

2007-07-16 12:23:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

2007-07-16 12:20:04 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

Two women were in court for fighting the judge says "mrs smith could you describe what happened please" "well" said mrs smith "my neighbour who is not very bright went to the doctors and was told to do a urine test,she came to me that evening and asked what she had to do,i said pi$$ in a bottle",she replied "i'll sh~t in your hat if you don't tell me".

Then the fight started

2007-07-16 12:18:16 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"

So Dr. Chang said, "Take off all yu cwothes." So she did. Then he said, "Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me." So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yu... Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!"

The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"

Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt"!

2007-07-16 12:09:08 · 18 answers · asked by josey 3

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-f*cka!"

2007-07-16 12:04:12 · 18 answers · asked by josey 3

My wife won't let me plug it in !!!

2007-07-16 11:40:06 · 44 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

the pepper spray is burning their eyes

2007-07-16 11:33:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?

2007-07-16 11:29:44 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

His wife sees lipstick on his shirt,"I hope you can explain the lipstick on your shirt," she says.
"Easy," says the man,"I used it to wipe it off my c**k."

2007-07-16 11:22:24 · 14 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

1

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She finds him sitting at the dining room table. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up,

"Do you remember 40 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"I remember." says the wife.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ''Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 40 years?'"

"I remember" she says softly.

He wipes another tear and says "I would have gotten out today".

2007-07-16 11:09:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Easy 2 for you, the funnier the better.

2007-07-16 11:07:14 · 20 answers · asked by Damski007 2

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

2007-07-16 11:00:09 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

0

A blind man walkes by a fish market and says "hello ladies".

2007-07-16 10:59:59 · 5 answers · asked by DanKohner 4

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the jerk with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”

2007-07-16 10:53:25 · 13 answers · asked by Mooey 4

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

2007-07-16 10:52:50 · 34 answers · asked by Ask_Elvis 5

During an auction, a man's eye caught the most beautiful parrot he had ever seen. Determined to have the bird, he began bidding.

Each time he bid, someone out bid him. Higher and higher the bidding went until, finally, he won the bird.

As he was paying the auctioneer for the parrot, he commented, "I certainly hope this parrot can talk. After what I'm paying for him, I would hate to find out that he can't."

"Talk? Don't you worry sir, he can talk," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

2007-07-16 10:46:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a normal sized fish is thought to be living free in the ocean so how on earth did it swallow a penny?

2007-07-16 10:37:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."



please dont report!!

2007-07-16 10:35:03 · 12 answers · asked by Mooey 4

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bike.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico. Guard asks, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan says, "Bikes".

2007-07-16 10:30:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

wife in bed with crutchless pantie's,leg's apart say's to hubby "do u wanna lick this"....... do i f*** say's hubby i can see what it did to your pantie's !!!!!!!!

2007-07-16 10:25:41 · 17 answers · asked by mightymum8 1

to make it stand wet it ...to make it wet you suck it.....to make it stiff you lick it.....to get it in you push it......


threading a needle when you get old is no joke!!!!!!

2007-07-16 10:13:08 · 22 answers · asked by mightymum8 1

1. Never pass a bathroom.
2. Don't waste a hard-on.
3. Never trust a fart.

2007-07-16 09:36:42 · 6 answers · asked by pd6491 2

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?"
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "what was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."

2007-07-16 09:25:32 · 22 answers · asked by pd6491 2

what occurs once in every minute, twice in every moment yet never in a thousand years?

2007-07-16 09:15:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.

Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!"

Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."

2007-07-16 09:08:00 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

5

theres a new viagra eye drop...

lol it dont really work but it makes you look hard ! lol

2007-07-16 09:02:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-16 08:55:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

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