Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Joe and Mike decided to guy hiking on day. They got all things they needed and headed off to a popular hiking trail up north. They had been hiking for about an hour and half, when all of a sudden, "the call of nature' struck Joe.

So, he found a near by bush, and begins to release the 'pressure.' Then, out of no where, a snake jumps up and strikes him on his *you know*. He screams frantically with pain and anxioty! Mike quickly rushes over, and comes fast enough to see the snake slither back under the bush. Lucky, there was a near by medical center just a quater a mile down the way! Mike tells Joe not to panic and that he's gonna go run to the medical center! "Run!" Joe screams back!

Mike reaches the center, and demands to see the doctor! He sees the doctor, and says, "My friend has just been bit on the by a snake! What should I do!?!" The doctor replys, "You can't move him, it might increase the flow of posion, and I can't get any antibiotics to him.

2007-07-15 12:25:31 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

How come peter knows everything? Does anyone know his secret?

2007-07-15 12:21:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ann, Jan and Fanny all have very big feet.
Ann and Jan go on a date and one of the boys says "Jesus, you both have big feet!!"
Ann replies; "You should see our Fanny's, they're huge!"

2007-07-15 12:14:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

a priest, a nun, a doctor, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says 'wat's this a joke?!'

2007-07-15 12:11:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I used to install satellite systems for Dish Network in the Dallas, Tx area I ran into my share of dumb blondes.
1. Had to troubleshoot why a blondes reciever did not work
Solution: I had to explain to her that it would not work while it's not plugged into the wall socket.
2. During an install at blondes apartment there was no way to get a signal because her apartment was not facing south. The apartment manager denied a roof install and she just could not let it go. She saw the advertisement for Dish Network showing a TV with the dish next to it along with the reciever, much like a rabbit ear antenae. I had to set up the dish inside the house near the TV, that this would not work.
3. Had to fix the TV reception because a blonde woman rearranged her house and disconnected the A/V cables and could not figure out which way the A/V cords went back in, eventhough they were color coded.....(yellow to yellow, red to red, white to white)
I could go on, at least they were easy to fix!

2007-07-15 12:10:48 · 12 answers · asked by fox_71498 3

Two men went hunting.
Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time.
Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.

But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream.
"I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve.
"And I was when the bear attacked me...
but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said,
'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I panicked."


pmsl:)

2007-07-15 12:07:55 · 13 answers · asked by ? 4

Jane was walking through the jungle when she met tarzan for the first time and couldn't believe how handsome he was and how muscular.

So she aproached him and making small talk asked what he does for sex "me tarzan me have sex with hole in tree" well jane is gobsmacked and says "tarzan i will show you what you have been missing"with that she strips off and lays on the ground "tarzan make love to me" she says .

Tarzan strips off and as hard as he can kicks jane between the legs,well she is crying and crawling about in agony "why did you do that you idiot" jane says "tarzan check for bee's" came the reply.

that is worthy of a star lol

2007-07-15 12:03:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman who has been ill treated by her husband finally gets her divorce through. Whilst glad of this, she still wants the company of a good man, so she puts an ad in the paper:

Man wanted.
Mustn't beat me
Mustn't run away at the first sign of trouble
Must be good in bed.

A couple of days later the doorbell rings to find a man there with no arms or legs.
She says, "Can I help you"?
He says, "Yes I've come about the advert in the paper!
A bit taken aback she stammers, "Well I'm not quite sure if you're the man I'm looking for".
He quickly intervenes and says, "Well I've got no arms so I can't beat you. I've got no legs so I can't run away.
So she replies, "Well that's true but how do I know if you're any good in bed"?

He replies, "Well I rang the doorbell, didn't I"?

2007-07-15 12:02:03 · 28 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

Why'd the blonde put a pillow under her foot?








cuz her foot fell asleep.



tell me if uve heard this b4 i thought i made it up one time...but sum1 said they heard it b4 lol

2007-07-15 11:44:45 · 18 answers · asked by chris 1

a man with no arms or legs is lying on the beach, three young and very attactive women are passing. On seeing him the frst woman thought poor soul and asked "have you ever been hugged?"
"No" he said, and she gave him a hug.
the second woman sees this and asked him, "have you ever been kissed?" and to this he also replied no, and she gives him a kiss.
the third woman asked him, "have you ever been f@cked? to which he also replies no. This time she bends over and whispered in his ear, "you will be when the tide comes in"/

2007-07-15 11:44:04 · 11 answers · asked by honey 3

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it down and then looks into his shirt pocket, then he orders another beer, drinks it down and looks into his shirt pocket. He does this six more times and the bartender is getting worried, like maybe this guy has no cash. So he goes "Hey buddy, maybe it's none of my business, but why do you keep looking in your pocket and ordering beers? The man replies, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket, when she starts to look good, then I know I've had enough to drink, and I go home."

2007-07-15 11:41:50 · 2 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

Sit down
Lift up your right foot
Make clockwise circles with your right foot
No take your right hand and write a six in the air

Your right foot will automatically change directions
there isn't much you can do about it it is programmed in your brain.

Pretty cool huh?1

2007-07-15 11:28:10 · 9 answers · asked by Miss Behavin 6

There are are a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink...One Friday, Jim showed up late, sat down at the bar and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Alan and said, "Times are getting tough, my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week...I can't believe it."
At which point Jim put his hand on Alan's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad; she's cut some guys out all together."

2007-07-15 10:58:44 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

two suicide bombers die and are greeted by fourty nuns with angry glares and rulers in hand. on turns to the other and said "this wasn't what i was expectiong when they said fourty virgins."

2007-07-15 10:57:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."



She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

2007-07-15 10:23:55 · 41 answers · asked by ? 5

bar man says sorry, we only serve frogs on a leap year.

2007-07-15 10:18:54 · 27 answers · asked by capa-de-monty 6

Three sisters, Monica, Phoebe and Fanny, are all invited to a party, so they go to buy new dancing shoes. Monica comes home with a new pair of size 9 stilettos; Phoebe buys a pair of size 10 strappy sandals but poor Fanny, who takes a manly size 14, is forced to go in men's brogues. At the party, Fanny sits all alone in the corner watching her sisters hoof it up on the dance floor.
While the two sisters are dancing, two men approach and point down at their feet: "Wow, those are huge feet!" one of the men exclaims.
"If you think those are big," replies Monica proudly, "wait till you see our Fanny's!"

2007-07-15 09:46:13 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

2007-07-15 09:43:24 · 6 answers · asked by trancelator25574 1

i just wanted to see how this answers thing works with all u ppl out here so the ? where ui was pregnant was a joke sorry lol

2007-07-15 09:42:08 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

2007-07-15 09:38:31 · 9 answers · asked by "!" 5

a son and dad were talking one day and the son asks the dad about condoms.
well says the dad they come in three diffrent boxs
box one has 3 condoms in it
explain asks the kid
well when you first start dating you use one on friday night one on saturday night and one on sunday morning
right says the kid

then we have box two which has 6 condoms in it
again the kid asks his dad to explain

well states dad this is when you have been going out for 6-9 months
one for monday one for tuesday one for wedensday.... until saturday and sunday is the day of rest

ok says the kid with a glint in his eye

the dad states there is the twelve pack for when yo uhave been married as long as me and your mam

explain asks the kid

well states dad
one for january one for febuary....................

2007-07-15 09:38:18 · 20 answers · asked by trancelator25574 1

This girl who is a total Beatles fanatic decides to get John Lennon & Paul McCartney tattooed onto her inner thighs. She takes their pictures to the tattoo artist who says he can do a perfect job of reproducing their images in ink on her inner thighs. Hours later, the job is done. the tattoo artist hands her a mirror, and she is shocked!
"That sucks...It doesn't look anything like John or Paul!"
The tattoo artist is offended: "Of course it does; that looks just like them! Tell you what, ask the first person you see,& I'll bet you £10 they say they look just like John & Paul."
So she takes him up on it, but the place is empty & the first person she finds is an old wino inside; she sits in the chair, spreads her legs and points to the tattoos, "Does this look like John Lennon & Paul McCartney to you?"
The old wino squints, scratches his head, burps, farts, & slurs, "Well lady, I don't know about John Lennon & Paul McCartney, but that guy in the middle looks just like Willie Nelson."

2007-07-15 09:36:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's Yellow and Slimy an Slithers up your leg.?
A Homesick Diarrhoea

2007-07-15 09:35:14 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man walks up very close to his lady co-worker and inhales a big breath of air and tells her your hair smells lovely,after a week of this,she put in a complaint of sexual harassement.The manager said whats wrong with him saying your hair smells lovely?she say because its keith the fu**ing dwarf

2007-07-15 09:30:17 · 14 answers · asked by casha1 6

You've all heard of "Area 51", Well the security people at the base were surprised to see a Cessna land on their TOP SECRET runway and they rushed to surround the plane. There was just one man in the plane and he was taken into custody to be questioned. He explained that he'd gotten lost and was running out of fuel when he saw he landing strip and he had no choice but to land. They questioned him thoroughly, held him overnight and did a background check via the FBI . Finally convinced he was telling the truth and wasn't a spy they gassed up his plane, gave him a "We will put you in the deepest darkest dungeon" lecture and sent him on his way. Later that day they were surprised to see the Cessna landing on the same runway but this time with two occupants. The man stepped out of the plane and said to the soldier's "You can do what you like to me but you have to explain to my wife where I was last night."

2007-07-15 09:23:46 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

goerge bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.after his talk,he offers question time.one boy raised his hand and bush asked his name he said bob.then bush asked him what his question was he sad i have 3 questions.first,why did the usa invade iraq without support of the UN..second,y r u president when algore got more votes and third what happened to osama bin lladin.just then the bell rings for recess and bush informs them that they will continue after recess.when they resume bush says ok where were we oh thats right question time.then a different boy raises his hand and says i have 5 questions first y did us invade iraq with out support of the un second y r u president when al gore got more votes third what happened to osama bin lladin fourth y did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early and fifth where's bob?

hope u liked it if u did give me star even if u have already heard it

2007-07-15 09:03:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

2007-07-15 08:51:46 · 25 answers · asked by shorty 1

After listening to an elderly prostitute plead her case, Judge Poe calls a brief recess and retires to his chambers. On the way, he bumps into his old colleague, Judge Smitham.

"Excuse me, Judge Smitham," Poe asks, "What would you give an 63 year old prostitute?"

"Let me think," Smitham ponders, "About 10 quid tops."

2007-07-15 08:50:34 · 10 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

well there was a polish guy he married a canadian girl and weeks later he went to court for divorce the jugde aksed y he siad she is giong to kill me jugde asked how do u now he said one day she came from a drug store and put something in the closet and when he opened the closet to check what it was and it said polish remover

hope u liked even if u already heard it

2007-07-15 08:47:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a Blonde in a Black Leather jacket.?
A rebel without a clue.

2007-07-15 08:46:18 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6