Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

2007-07-14 09:12:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

He is not on the bridge becasue that was before he jumped and it is not in the air because that was after he jumped?

2007-07-14 08:19:56 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

I had to admit, I pondered some of these questions...

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

2007-07-14 08:13:33 · 16 answers · asked by Truth hurts 3

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office it isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

2007-07-14 07:01:50 · 20 answers · asked by pd6491 2

simon goes on stars in their eyes,mathew kelly notices he,s in a wheelchair, he says what happened:
simon replied i was in a car crash with my unclehe died, and i had to have my legs amputated, but they saved my uncles legs and graffted them onto me, and in 6 months time i will be able to walk again,, thats amazing says mathew, who r u going 2 be tonight , simons says tonight mathew i,m going to be simon & halfuncle

2007-07-14 06:45:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

at the end of time and space but at the begening of eternity?

2007-07-14 06:38:01 · 9 answers · asked by Lance D. 2

everybody jokes about it
and i dont get it

2007-07-14 06:33:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of
your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
"And so, here we are!"

2007-07-14 06:23:16 · 21 answers · asked by pd6491 2

There was a guy in a bar one night who got really drunk, i mean really,really,really,drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home, as he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk,so he stumbled over to nun and punched her in the face.
Shocked the nun fell to her knee's but before she could say or do anything he punched her again,this time she fell down,the drunk stumbled over to her and kicked in the bum then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pritty weak and couldn't move very much.
The drunk then stumbled over to her put his face right next to her's and said...............................................................


"NOT VERY STRONG TONIGHT,ARE YOU,BATMAN?"

2007-07-14 06:07:30 · 19 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

Did you hear she got mad today when she went to the store. Some dick cut her off.

2007-07-14 06:05:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

what looks like a dog but walk on three legs?

2007-07-14 04:56:11 · 8 answers · asked by zenthil 4

2007-07-14 04:51:46 · 8 answers · asked by jenny 2

An Irishman walked in a bar and sat in a bar stool. Now, there were 3 customers before him, and the Bar Tender was taking their orders.
"You sir?" asked the Bar Tender.
"Dom Perignon, single" replied the first patron.
"You sir?" asked the Bar Tender.
"Johnny Walker, single" replies the second patron.
"You sir?" asked the Bar Tender.
"Jack Daniels, also a single" replies the third patron.
The Bar Tender then faces the Irish and asks, "And you sir?"
The Irish replies, "Paddy O' Brien, married!!!"

2007-07-14 04:33:18 · 20 answers · asked by Gamer_Nikko™ 4

The closest to what I was thinking gets the best answer...

2007-07-14 03:56:55 · 14 answers · asked by The Boy Next Door 3

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man on the doorstep. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam said.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else......"

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man she charged £1000 per visit. The old man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her the £1000.

The two went up to her room for an hour, where upon the old man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie, she explained that no one had ever returned two nightn in a row and it was still £1000, no discounts.

Again the old man paid the money, they went up to her room until he left an hour later.

When he returned the third consecutive night they couldn't believe it. He again handed Natalie £1000 but an hour later.

2007-07-14 03:41:46 · 35 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A man calls the operator. "Hello, i need the number for a Jennifer Smith in London," he says.

"Sir, there are multiple listings for that name," says the operator. "Do you have a street name?"

"Well uhhhh," said the man, "some people call me Bubba."

2007-07-14 03:35:20 · 56 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

After the birth of their tenth child, Billybob and Marykate asked the doctor about birth control, they reminded the dr. that they had very little money to buy pills and condoms, so the Dr. gave Billybob an old soda can and an m80 firecracker.
The dr. tells Billybob to place the m80 in the soda can, light it, hold it up to his ear, and count to ten.
So Billybob puts the m80 in the can light it holds it to his ear and starts counting 1,2,3,4,5, places the can between his legs, and says6,7,8,...

2007-07-14 03:11:30 · 8 answers · asked by mysticalviking 5

mine was 5 yrs back, i was caught Doing It wis an ex bf of mine in his house... was walked in by our friend!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-14 03:00:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he
and Dr. Watson passed three women eating bananas
on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.

"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun,
the prostitute or the newlywed we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you
know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the
banana by holding it one hand and using the
fingers of the other hand to properly break the
fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with
both hands and crammed the whole thing into her
mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you
know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her
head toward it with the other."

2007-07-14 02:25:54 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 3

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sEx life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sEx felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.



Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. Very Happy


The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
Embarassed Very Happy


The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."



Mum fainted!

2007-07-14 02:16:09 · 11 answers · asked by Conan 3

I am not a human, nor am I an animal.
I have eyes, but cannot see,
and I have hair that you cannot comb.
My brown skin has several layers but this seems a paradox,
because one is smooth and the other is hard.
My skin protects my soft white flesh;
and within my flesh is my opaque blood.

What am I?

2007-07-14 01:37:38 · 26 answers · asked by not2posh 5

Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons. Mrs Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world. "Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Lemmie tell you about my son Johnathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine. What a man!"Mrs. Lefkowitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he's not famous. But his Pee Pee is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it."The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I got a confession to make. Sheldon's an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's a bright young man with a good future."Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confession too. Johnathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn't." They all look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz."Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too. The last bird gotta stand on one leg."

2007-07-14 01:14:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

I always thought it was the sun but that doesn't make any sense.

2007-07-13 23:56:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a few days of living in this paradise, one morning the chief calls them before him and says "One of you has defiled my daughter which one of you was it?"
Being lifelong friends they look at each other but refuse to say and getting annoyed at this the Chief says " Ok I will punish you all in a manner befitting your standing" so he goes to the first man and askes him what his job was to which he replies "I was a fireman" at this he signals and four tribesmen grab the man tie him down and burn his thingy off.

The Chief goes to the second man and askes him what his job to which he replies that he was a Surgeon again he is tied down and has his bit cut off.

Then the Chief turns to the third man and askes him and is a little surprised to see a big grin come across his face so he asks him why he's so happy hadn't he seen what happened to his friends, to which the man replied "I sell Lollipops"

2007-07-13 22:55:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

...before long they meet a little old man. The son says, "Dad how about him?" "No" says the father "there's not enough meat on him, we'll wait."
A little while later along comes a really fat woman. The son says, "hey Dad, how about her?" "No" replies the father, "we'd die of a heart attack if we ate her, we'll wait."
An hour later an absolutely gorgeous woman walks by. The son says, "there's nothing wrong with this one dad, we'll eat her."
"No we won't," replies the father, "Why not?" asks his son crossly. " Because" says the father, "we're going to take her home and eat your mother!"

2007-07-13 22:46:55 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sEx life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sEx felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.



Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. Very Happy


The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
Embarassed Very Happy


The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."



Mum fainted!

2007-07-13 22:37:45 · 6 answers · asked by Conan 3

"I was a Sub-Editor" replies the man.
"Well, look forward to a promotion." replies the Cannibal, "You're about to become an Editor-in-Chief."

2007-07-13 22:31:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Accidents in the UK home for 1996: 343 injured putting on their socks; 112 hurt reading a newspaper; 41 hospitalised by marbles; 34 hurt by cardboard; 12 hosipitalised by paperclips; 11 accidents involving bathroom scales; 6 hurt using talcom powder; 2 hurt by tea cosys.

On average, in the UK per year:
488 people are injured by zips;
3,078 people are injured by slippers;
315 people are injured by photo frames;
and 70,000 are injured by dogs.


hope you liked these, please star if you found funny, or made you giggle or smile! thanks xxx

2007-07-13 22:05:30 · 12 answers · asked by lalala 4

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

2007-07-13 21:54:10 · 10 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

2007-07-13 21:51:20 · 6 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3