Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

..........Soda."
The Bartender says, "Ok, but why the big pause?"
"Dunno" says the bear, "I've always had 'em."

2007-07-13 06:53:22 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

ten points for correct answer think hard!

2007-07-13 06:28:38 · 8 answers · asked by scotthero 1

2007-07-13 06:27:33 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

A young woman asked her mother about various types of birth control and her mother listed off, the pill, the diaphram, the condom and then she asked about the "rhythm method" Just then Grandma piped up and said, "the rhythm method is not any good, in my day we used the BUCKET method!", What's that Grandma?" asked the young woman. "Well, I'll tell ya, you see Grandpa was a good foot shorter than me, so we'd do it with him standing on this here bucket, when I saw his eyes start to cross, I kicked the bucket.

2007-07-13 06:27:03 · 4 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."
******
"What did one ghost say to another?""Do you believe in people?"
******
My friend has a fine watch dog.At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
******
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
******
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."
******
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
******
"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."
******
I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .
******
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
******
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
******

2007-07-13 06:26:23 · 3 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Karen started yawning
"Hey Scott, it's time for bed"
"You go ahead" he answered
"I'll surf the net instead"

"You sure love that computer"
Concern rose in her voice
"But why would you go surfing?
You have another choice"

"I'll only be a minute
I've got some work to do
But you know I would rather
Just climb in bed with you"

So off to bed went Karen
And all alone to sleep
While Scotty started surfin'
And the surf was getting deep

Much later she awakened
The blankets seemed so hot
She felt the space beside her
And wondered, where was Scott?

"I wonder what he's doing
I'm getting up to see
He's surely out there dozing
I'll tiptoe quietly"

The keyboard it was silent
The screen tho' flickered bright
What was it he was doing
In the middle of the night?

She crept right up behind him
Then peeked around to see
And on the screen before her
As naked as can be

Were two young lovely women
Endowed in every way
One was named Miss April
The other was Miss May

"So Scott, what are you watching? "
The screen went blank just then
"Ah- nothing really honey
Just news from CNN"

"Oh CNN my eyeball
Those girls had nothing on"
He said "Oh yes I saw them
Their clothing was all gone"

"And that fact did concern me
It made me wonder when
They started going topless
On good old CNN"

"Why I'll just call the network
And make a big complaint"
"Don't bother" muttered Karen
"Cause foolin' me you ain't"

"Those girls were Playboy Bunnies
They're different from their peers
Aside from wearing nothing
They had on floppy ears"

"Was that the Playboy website? "
Scott said convincingly
"Those girls are always naked? ?
That's what you're telling me? ? "

She raised her hand for silence
He knew that he was caught
And further explanation
Would only get her hot

He stood there feeling foolish
Uncertain of his fate
But she just whispered to him
"Let's go, it's getting late"

"Just come to bed now Scotty"
But know that in this house
If you surf the Playboy website
You just might lose your mouse"

2007-07-13 06:25:11 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-07-13 06:15:32 · 4 answers · asked by Dreams 3

His friends and neighbours gather round him and ask what happened.
The Cannibal replies crossly, "That's the last time I go on a self catering holiday."

2007-07-13 06:06:38 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-13 05:42:37 · 8 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

2007-07-13 05:21:50 · 2 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
_____________
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
_______________
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
_____________

Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"

Little Johnny: "I is..."

Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"

Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

2007-07-13 05:03:17 · 13 answers · asked by Sarah 4

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

2007-07-13 04:58:03 · 8 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-07-13 04:56:14 · 12 answers · asked by Fiddy 4

2007-07-13 04:51:11 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

2007-07-13 04:47:57 · 19 answers · asked by "!" 5

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She
started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your
Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

2007-07-13 04:47:04 · 13 answers · asked by I'm outta here 4

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”

The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

2007-07-13 04:45:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”

2007-07-13 04:35:37 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

2007-07-13 04:17:08 · 11 answers · asked by "!" 5

hi when you hear a knock at your front door,simply take a small teaspoon,and using the end of the handle press gently against the very top of your nose either side,(the ridge) having made these indentations will fool the guest that you have just removed your glasses.people who are intelligent often wear glasses.does anyone else have advice about looking bright and clever? ;o)

2007-07-13 04:08:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."

2007-07-13 04:00:08 · 15 answers · asked by Silver Fox 3

Go to this site...

http://funnyfly.com/breakup.shtml

2007-07-13 03:45:56 · 5 answers · asked by m 2

I have a pilliow that you can plug in your ipod and i thought it was broken so my mom fixed it las night! Well i came back and she was listening to it, so i took my ipod and was quizzing her on some songs! So i played "Kiss from a rose" By seal and my mom couldnt figure it out! So she said to give her the first word so i said no that is too easy! So she asked for the last word and again i said to easy so she asked for a word so i said "a" then i said from so it was from a! Then i said kiss from a, and she couldnt figure out the last one so i said "Roise O'donald" and she said "Kiss from a lezbian"!!!!! LOLStar if u liked!

2007-07-13 03:42:39 · 5 answers · asked by this screaming inside my head 6

A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, ?Have you been drinking, sir??
?Why? Was I weaving all over the road?? the man answered.
?No,? replied the policeman, ?you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave it away.

2007-07-13 03:40:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shaun, is on Who wants to be Millionaire.
At this moment he has half a million pounds.
And one lifeline left, which is phone a friend.
Chris tarrant , reminds Shaun, that he can see the next question , but does not have to answer, and that he has one lifeline left.
Go for it
Ok What bird does not build a nest?
sparrow
robin
thrush
cuckoo.
Shaun smiles and instantly says "cuckoo"
"Final answer"
Chris Tarrant does the usual pause at shouts
"Its the right answer ,you are a millionaire "

"But how did you know it was, the cuckoo Shaun," asks tarrant.

"Well" says Shaun,
"Everybody Knows a cuckoo, lives in a clock".

2007-07-13 03:27:20 · 15 answers · asked by raybbies 5

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"




Does anyone know jokes about architects?

2007-07-13 03:20:03 · 6 answers · asked by . 5

A unique survey asked 1,000 women which things
Men can be compared to. Here are the top ten:

10) Bargain sale Clothes - Because they are always 50% off.
9) Roller Coasters -They excite you, but only for a little while.
8) Advertisements - It's hard to believe a word they say.
7) Boxes - They look so big, but inside they're empty.
6) Treasury Bonds - They take a long time to mature
5) ATM Machines - There's a limit to how much you can get out of them.
4) Bananas - They become less firm as they get older.
3) Weather - They're so unpredictable.
2) Parking Space - Why are all the good ones always taken first?
1) Holidays - They never seem to be long enough.

2007-07-13 03:13:44 · 8 answers · asked by Gamer_Nikko™ 4

when you put your arm around a skinny girl you just end up smacking yourself in the face!! bit cruel but made me laugh.

2007-07-13 02:31:57 · 12 answers · asked by Smoochy Poochy 6

2007-07-13 02:17:33 · 5 answers · asked by bhawani 1

this town had a cemetery
but the people who lived there were not allowed to be buried there
why not?

2007-07-13 01:37:40 · 10 answers · asked by jenny 2