Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

I went to a shpping mall. there i saw a shirt worth 97 dollars unfortuantley i dont have any money so i ask my parents to lend me 100 dollars.after that i went to the mall again and bought the shirt so now i have a 3 dollar change. I gve my parents the two dollars that maakes my depth 98 and i have the other dollar so you add 1 taht makes it 99.where did the other dollar go?

2007-07-13 01:16:00 · 8 answers · asked by hjjgjfgjgjgjgjfgghgfg 1

2007-07-13 01:05:24 · 5 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

2007-07-13 01:02:08 · 8 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

2007-07-13 00:50:58 · 9 answers · asked by phil W 3

Someone put me on to this and I feel I just have to ask you to go to you tube and put in BERT KAEMFERT, then choose the second clip, (Medley) and watch and listen without smiling or tapping your foot, I couldn`t! interested at your responses as its cheesey, dated, but still really good stuff..

2007-07-13 00:49:16 · 3 answers · asked by wheelrim 2

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

2007-07-13 00:40:22 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-13 00:16:13 · 11 answers · asked by The More I learn The More I'm Uneducated 5

A rich man just bought a brand new lamborghini and decides to go for a drive down the highway. so he's driving along and notices something in the mirror. he sees a dot coming closer and closer and he thinks to himself, "i'm doing 200 mph, how can anything keep up??" the man slows to get a better look and the object flies past him. in awe, the man speeds up to catch up to the object. then he sees an old man on a moped laying in the ditch ahead. then the rich man asks, "how in the world did you beat me on a moped!?" the old man replies, "p-p-please unhook my suspenders from you're bumper..."

2007-07-12 22:18:55 · 2 answers · asked by d_wart3 2

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

2007-07-12 22:16:32 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Really? did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

*STAR IF YOU LIKE:-)

2007-07-12 21:28:41 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went
through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after
you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document·"

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of
the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to
write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign
here

2007-07-12 21:16:19 · 5 answers · asked by Gina B 4

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party
atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in
this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips,
including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle
it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

2007-07-12 21:07:50 · 10 answers · asked by Gina B 4

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

2007-07-12 21:01:04 · 9 answers · asked by Gina B 4

a young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "i've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. what makes you think you can stereotype women that way? what does the color of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being?it's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "you stay out of this, mister, i'm talking to that little s*** on your knee!"

2007-07-12 20:59:40 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you like it give me a sta and a comment!
__________________________________
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect women met. After a perfect courtship they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was ofcouse, perfect...

One snowy, stormy Christmas eve, this perfect cople were driving their perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone up ahead in distress. Being the perfect couple, the stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to dissapoint the children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car. Soon they were driving along delivering toys......

Unfortunately, driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa were in a terrible accident accident. Only one of the three survived.
Who survived???

The Perfect woman.. The Perfect woman survived. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. We all know that Santa doesn't exist...

2007-07-12 20:39:50 · 9 answers · asked by CoolCrab 2

2007-07-12 20:07:42 · 11 answers · asked by Poetic Justice 1

How many sides does a circle have?

It's quite a reasonable answer and the it is not infinity.

2007-07-12 19:58:08 · 22 answers · asked by angel 4

They look around and decide to look at the mating exhibit. They go to the first pen and see a sign that says this bull mated 50 times last year. The wife nudges her husband and says "see thats once a week". They then go to the second pen where it said this cow mated 125 times last year. She thens nudges her husband again and says " see thats more than twice a week, you can learn something from him". They then walk to next pen were it said this cow mated 365 times last year. The wife all excited nudges her husband so hard that it almost broke his ribs and says,"Thats once a day, you can really learn something from this one".
The husband then responds, "yeah but was it with the same cow everytime".

2007-07-12 19:52:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning i was on my way to the market and met a man who had 4 wives.each of the wives had 4 bags,containing 4 dogs and each dog had 4 puppies. taking all things into consideration,how many were going to the market??

2007-07-12 17:08:08 · 6 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

the stage is level

2007-07-12 16:48:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Letter to GOD USA ****

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.
Two Brothers ***

There were two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, who shared a room.

One day, the older brother and the younger brother agreed they were old enough to start cursing. "When we go downstairs," the older one instructed, "I'm gonna say 'hell' and you can say '***'."

The four-year-old agreed. They went downstairs and their mother asked, "What do want for breakfast?"

"Aw hell", the seven-year old said, "I'll just take some Cheerios."

The mother promptly slapped him and sent him to his room.

At this point, the four-year-old was getting intimidated, "And what do you want?" the mother asked.

"I don't know," the younger one said, "but you can bet your *** it's not going to be Cheerios."

Stupid Kid ***

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.

The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over

2007-07-12 16:42:36 · 16 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

My neice had just got her first cell phone.

I called her up and she answered: "Hello?"

I said, "Hi, it's me, Auntie Boogers!"

"Auntie Boogers!" She says, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart!?!?!"

(Yeah, she is a blonde!)

2007-07-12 16:04:46 · 13 answers · asked by Princess Picalilly 4

Out wit all the others and receive best answer.

http://www.september11news.com/BushCheneyAirForceOne11th.jpg

2007-07-12 15:26:32 · 10 answers · asked by Ms. Smith 3

2007-07-12 14:48:39 · 4 answers · asked by Huh 5

2007-07-12 14:41:29 · 12 answers · asked by lord_andys_new_id 1

2007-07-12 14:39:37 · 8 answers · asked by Huh 5

'A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
'For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.
'
'I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Have a Nice Day!

2007-07-12 14:26:03 · 17 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

2007-07-12 14:25:45 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dashing through the snow, in a pair of broken skis, screaming as I go, ramming into trees,(boomboomboom) snow is turning red, I think I'm almost dead, someone call an ambulance, 'cause I need a hospital bed. Oh, Jingle bells...

Star if you like

2007-07-12 13:51:42 · 11 answers · asked by Krmfuentes 3

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
>
> As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"
>
> The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
> We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.
> Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.
> Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
> Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy.. "
>
> "And here I am."

2007-07-12 13:26:15 · 7 answers · asked by old man 4