Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

'Did a bird fly into your bedroom last night?'
'No why do you ask?' the neighbour replies.
'Because l heard you through the wall telling your husband: catch it in your shirt- dont let it fly all over the place'.

2007-07-12 07:29:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

Star if you like it!

2007-07-12 07:02:52 · 15 answers · asked by viola_angel101 4

It's last call, and Bob and Joe are drunk as can be. As they stumble out of their favorite bar, Joe notices a mailbox next to a fire alarm pole. He points at them and says "Hey Joe, what's you say we go talk to those two broads?"
Joe peered over and said, "don't waste your time with those two- the fat one in the blue dress just sits there and says nothing, and the tall readhead will scream her head off if you lay a finger on her!"

2007-07-12 06:59:26 · 10 answers · asked by "!" 5

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
>>
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at he bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
>>
The second guy said, "Darn,
that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his bestfriend a brand new jet for his birthday."
>>
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
>>
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking
about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
>>
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either......His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his
three boyfriends."
>>



ONE LOVE

2007-07-12 06:55:20 · 43 answers · asked by % 3

1. Ahh, it's cute.
2. Why don't we just cuddle?
3. It's more fun to look at.
4. Make it dance.
5. Wow, and your feet are so big.
6. It's ok, we'll work around it.
7. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
8. Can I be honest with you?
9. Let me go get my tweezers.
10. How sweet, you brought incense.
11. This explains your car.
12. Every heard of clearasil?
13. But it still works, right?
14. It looks so unused.
15. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

2007-07-12 06:52:21 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

I lived about 20 miles from a city called....
Manassas, People would pronouce it (Man-asses)

2007-07-12 06:44:52 · 36 answers · asked by fox_71498 3

I went to see the nurse for my Annual Health Check this morning. She said " I think you should stop playing with your dick ". I asked " Why?" , She replied " Because I'm trying to examine you"

2007-07-12 06:43:13 · 22 answers · asked by Big Bob Todd 1

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited.

After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally jsut gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

2007-07-12 06:20:56 · 20 answers · asked by junior j 1

2007-07-12 06:02:09 · 20 answers · asked by abraham l 1

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

2007-07-12 05:55:37 · 22 answers · asked by bernman101 6

the wife, " but what happened with the pickle cutter!" "What? Oh, she got fired too" he said.A man, who worked at a pickle factory, once came home and told his wife, "Honey, to I had a sudden urge to stick my penis in the pickle cutter at work." "What! you need to see a psychologist!" she said. "No, I want to beat this problem myself honey" he answered. The next day he came home in tears. "I did it, I put my dick in the pickle cutter!" he yelled." "Okay, said

2007-07-12 05:50:10 · 11 answers · asked by "!" 5

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"I wonder what kind of food is in there?" the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning : "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse now all alone said to himself with a smirk, "If I knew one mousetrap could do all that, I would have bought one myself a long time ago!"

2007-07-12 05:46:52 · 10 answers · asked by "!" 5

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

2007-07-12 05:39:37 · 12 answers · asked by junior j 1

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

2007-07-12 05:24:09 · 5 answers · asked by junior j 1

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" Very good," said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes it's because you're blonde."
The next day, the girl came home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey,it's because you're 24!!"

2007-07-12 04:52:55 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy got chatting to a young woman at the bar and after a few drinks asked her if she would go to bed with him if he gave her a million pounds, "of course" she replied. "Err how about a tenner then?" he asked, "clear off" she replied "what sort of woman do you think I am?"
"We've already established that" he said "all we need to do now is find the right price"

2007-07-12 03:33:32 · 11 answers · asked by billtheangler 5

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

2007-07-12 02:28:46 · 11 answers · asked by Justin H 1

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the Breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a Sign attached that said, "This bull mated 52 times last year." The wife Playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 52 times last year? ....once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 125 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than Twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third Pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly Broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY Learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said,
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

2007-07-12 02:04:37 · 23 answers · asked by "!" 5

Two Indian Heroin addicts injected Curry powder by mistake last night, and were rushed to hospital.....

....Ones got a dodgy tikka and the others in a Korma



Boom boom....

2007-07-12 01:59:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

2007-07-12 01:56:03 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

2007-07-12 01:54:36 · 23 answers · asked by "!" 5

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

2007-07-12 01:16:01 · 7 answers · asked by "!" 5

I entered into a contract with orange , thay give m a singing & dancing phone, that only rings for 15 seconds and i asked for a longer ring thay said i was on there max ring of 30 secs, I stoped paying and now I have been blacked by Expirian. Is this fair ?

2007-07-12 00:18:25 · 10 answers · asked by The Groover 2

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

2007-07-12 00:17:08 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

There is a barber and he has a sign on the window, it reads "I only shave those who do not shave themselves" Does he shave himself?

Yes= he shaves himself but he only shaves those who don't shave themselves therefore he doesn't shave himself.
No= He doesn''t shave himself but he shaves people who don't shave themselves, therefore he must shave himself.
????????????????????????????????????????????

2007-07-11 23:57:30 · 9 answers · asked by CoolCrab 2

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

2007-07-11 23:47:57 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

A solicitor worked in Central London in a sky scraper, he worked on the 50th floor, Everyday he would use the lift and take it up to the 25th floor and walk the rest of the way, but when it was raining he would take it up to the 50th floor WHY IS THIS?

2007-07-11 23:28:24 · 15 answers · asked by old school 2

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in. What should have he said?

2007-07-11 23:11:19 · 31 answers · asked by Em 2

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun and points it at him. The man says, thank you and leaves. Why is this?

2007-07-11 22:41:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling
ball.

2007-07-11 22:21:18 · 14 answers · asked by Conan 3