Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."

2007-07-13 21:24:56 · 13 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

2007-07-13 20:57:07 · 11 answers · asked by mistincat 3

What would you say is heavier,a pound of cotton or a pound of gold?????.

2007-07-13 20:10:16 · 9 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

It was all over town

2007-07-13 19:58:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

a teacher tells a girl (name:mink) to say the 1st 4 letters of the alphabet! so she goes home.
Mink:mom what is the first letter of the alphabet?
mom:shud up!**she goes to her dad**
Mink: papa what is the 2nd letter of the alphabet?
Dad:yeah baby! **football team was winning! so she goes to her sister**
Mink:sis what is the 3rd letter of the alphabet?
sis:sailor moon!to the rescue!!**watching sailor moon so mink goes to her bro**
Mink:mo(she calls her brother "mo") what is the 4th letter of ta alphabet?
bro:yeah!just watch me!?NETWORK SET UP TRAMSFORM!
Mink:ok whatever u say... ***she goes to school***
teacher:Mink what is the first 4 letters of the alphabet?
Mink:shud up!
teacher:what do u want to go bye bye??
Mink:yeah baby!
teacher: who DO U THINK U R!?
Mink: sailor moon to ta rescue!!!
teacher:what!? i am speechless!r u really?!
Mink: yeah! just watch me!NETWORK SET UP!TRASFORM!


so do ya like it?

2007-07-13 19:18:53 · 9 answers · asked by Maboroshi 3

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod).
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old).
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up".
4. "Procrastinate Now."
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt).
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."

2007-07-13 19:10:50 · 12 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

Not an alien + it is related to a common household pet.

2007-07-13 18:43:23 · 12 answers · asked by AKswimr 3

A salesman is driving down a back country road when his car breaks down. He gets out, opens the hood and looks for the problem.

Suddenly, behind him, he hears a deep voice say,"It's the carburetor!". He looks around and sees only a cow standing by the fence. Turning around and examining the engine again, he hears the same deep voice say, "It's the carburetor!".

He turns and asks the cow, "Did you say something?" The cow replies, " Yup, it's the carburetor!"

The man runs, terrified, to the next town and sees an old man rocking on a porch of a gas station. He tells the old man about the talking cow.

The old man asks," Was it a black and white cow with one crooked horn?" The salesman says, "Yes, it was!!"

The old man says, "Well, you can ignore her. She just thinks she knows about carburetors . . . her specialty is brakes!"

2007-07-13 18:12:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you put black pepper in someone's pillow will they sneeze when they lay on the pillow?

2007-07-13 17:35:24 · 3 answers · asked by Kat 2

Watching your mother-in-law drive your ferrari over a cliff.

2007-07-13 17:31:15 · 12 answers · asked by pure_dragonfire 4

If you put a rooster on the top of a hill with sloped sides and the rooster lays an egg, which side will it roll down?

First correct answer wins!

2007-07-13 16:42:28 · 18 answers · asked by DanKohner 4

2007-07-13 16:40:41 · 10 answers · asked by Bite_Me 1

Let me know exactly how long it took to read the whole sentence:

http://www.khrido.com/express-discussion-comments-cm-q91p0/please-read-it-quickly.aspx

2007-07-13 15:46:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

he notices a couple arguing over the meaning of a painting. the painting is of three black men, butt naked, sitting on a bench, but the black man in the middle has a white penis. the gallery owner interprets this by saying that the painting is metaphoric of the black man's struggle in a white man's world, then he leaves the couple to think over it. they begin to argue again, when a man with a wv t-shirt comes up to them, he says..the owner is wrong about this painting, the couple ask how he knows this and he replies..because i'm the artist. intrigued to know the meaning of it they ask him what it represents...he says well it's not black guys at all they are actually coalminers and they are on a bench waiting to get their showers and the one in the middle went home for lunch....can't you tell?

2007-07-13 15:31:34 · 3 answers · asked by AMY 2

Five siblings are they, their color is true;
One belongs to one, four are shared by two.
Connected together, some by locks;
Many meet their fate upon the rocks.
Arrange their initials, and you should
Find things that are found in a neighborhood.

What has just been described?

2007-07-13 15:27:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

my dumb, fat neighbor is a pain in the ###!!! for starters, when i am not home, he jumps my fence with a ladder that i havent seen in my garage in a while.. and uses my pool, according to a trusty neighbor. he hangs out in my yard all day!! he runs an extension cord from my outside outlet to his house. and to make it even better, he uses my hose and water to water his lawn. when the mail comes, he is the first to sort through it. i dont know why he would even want to read my mail. when he has parties, he instructs guests to park in my driveway and lawn. his wife is also a *****. i caught her grocery shopping in my kitchen!!! the police cant do anything about it. (so they say). we have really crappy police. there are only about 4 cops and they can never be counted on because the spend time at the diner and coffee house. what are some good ideas (funny) that i could do to get him to stop taking advantage of me??? by the way, i lock my doors and have changed the locks a handful of times

2007-07-13 14:23:58 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

a snail was getting sick of all the other animals teasing him for being slow..so he decided to buy the newest car called the "z-type", but he told the one in charge to replace the "z" with an "s" so the people would recognize how fast he is.
so whenever he drives around the block, someone would say "LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!"

2007-07-13 14:16:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

... one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

2007-07-13 14:11:49 · 13 answers · asked by Bad Kitty! 7

a stupid *****!!!

2007-07-13 14:04:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-13 13:33:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

2007-07-13 13:24:35 · 15 answers · asked by Darien 1

i am bored alot what can i do.........

2007-07-13 13:24:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy recieves a call from his local surgery telling him that there had been a mix up with his wifes -medical tests.
"We don't know if she is the one with Herpes or a Heart Condition", says the doctor .
"Oh my God what should I do",asks the guy.
"Well," says the Doctor, "send her out jogging, if she comes home safe, don't sh*g her."

2007-07-13 13:19:31 · 7 answers · asked by raybbies 5

I am trying to get to the 3rd level, what does it take? I can't siyt still long enough to answer all of these questions. Dang.... I am exhausted, I am going home. Later and Peace Out.

You give me your points and I'll give ya mine!

2007-07-13 13:17:02 · 5 answers · asked by Angelheart♥ 5

If you are going to, don't do it on here, please, it just gets me so mad! I hate it, I never even heard some of these words until I got on here. And one more thing, please don't get mad at me for doing this, it's just my opinion

2007-07-13 13:16:34 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok... if ur under 10 u shudnt read this......


Wonder woman is lying down naked sunbathing on her front porch . Then super man flies by. he says "I'm in a hurry but i can do u very quickly"
wonder woman says ok.
So then theres a flash and super man is gone..
Wonderwoman says " What the hell just happened?"
and invisible man says " I dont know but my butt hole really hurts"



yeah... this is a sick joke.... but my frend told me it and i felt the need to post it.

2007-07-13 13:11:48 · 11 answers · asked by 恒健 4

"Hello?"
"Hi honey
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do,and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy,just a minute." -adding more details

2007-07-13 13:03:07 · 29 answers · asked by Darien 1

A young priest ,finds he has been seated next to the pope ,on a return flight ,back to Rome.
Obviously he is excited.
When seated ,sure enough the pope, sits next to him. He notices the Pope is working on a crossword .
"This is great " thinks the young priest.
"I am good at crosswords ,so if he is stuck,he may ask for my help".
Sure enough the Pope asks "whats a four letter word to do with a woman? Something ending in -unt.
Only one word came to the young priests mind, and he thought "I can't say that to the Pope,"
Just in time a word came to mind, " AUNT" Said the young priest.

"Hmm of course " saiys the Pope.
"Do you have any Tippex on you?"

2007-07-13 12:58:45 · 12 answers · asked by raybbies 5

ok there were 3 guys who worked in an office together,
1 was a hispanic and everyday he opened his lunch to find a bean burrito "aww man he said if i get another bean burrito im gonna jump out the window!!!!!
the 2nd dude was chinese and every day he got noodles, sohe said if i get another cold noddle lunch im gonna jump out the window!!!!
the 3rd dude was a blond guy and every day he opened his lunch and foung a PB&J sandwich yo dudes!! he said if i get another PB&J im gonna jump out the window man!!!!
so the next day they i got what they always got so they all jumped out the window

later all 3 wives were together for the funeral the 1 said ohhh if i knew he didn't want bean burritos i woulnd'nt of made them!
the second said ohh if i knew he didn't want cold noodles i would ave made him something else!! and the 3 blond guy's wife said "HEY DON'T LOOK AT ME HE MAKES HIS OWN LUNCH!!!!!"
hahaha lol ;D

2007-07-13 12:10:16 · 25 answers · asked by RC 3

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted

wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little

about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else

applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them

worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really

good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels " The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room,! He

found The rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he

did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly

unbuttoned it,constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

‘Then she looked at him and
said: "If you ever wear my clothes into Town again, you're fired!"

2007-07-13 11:20:59 · 15 answers · asked by a m 4