Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
It's getting late, big boy, she says after a few minutes. Why don't we go upstairs to bed.
We might as well, slurs the husband. I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.

2007-07-16 19:10:39 · 9 answers · asked by jenny 2

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

Well, the boss likes the kid so he gives him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

The next day, after the store's been locked up, the boss says, "How many sales did you make?"

The kid says, "Just one."

The boss says, "Just one?! Our salespeople average twenty to thirty sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

The kid grins and says, "$99,327.99."

The boss says, "$99,327.99? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. The he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

The boss says, "You mean, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, your weekends's shot; you might as well go fishing.'"

2007-07-16 18:47:25 · 29 answers · asked by phil W 3

What kills kings, wipes out species, diminishes mountains, makes you grow and shrink? You can't see it or physically feel it...What is it??

2007-07-16 18:40:13 · 6 answers · asked by Andrew K 2

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!!!"

2007-07-16 18:09:24 · 12 answers · asked by Naruto #1 4

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

2007-07-16 18:07:29 · 14 answers · asked by Naruto #1 4

A beautiful and busty blonde was driving the Utah State Highway doing 130mph when she was pulled over by a Utah State Trooper. She adjusted her top leaned out of her corvette and as the trooper came alongside she said "I suppose this is where you try to sell me tickets to the Troopers Ball." To which the Trooper repplied "Mam Utah State Troopers Don't have Balls" the Trooper closed his pad and left.

2007-07-16 17:52:59 · 12 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Did you hear about the clam that only thought about himself?
He was so shelfish.

2007-07-16 17:47:44 · 6 answers · asked by Moo Moo Mair 6

LOL..i know it's wierd, but there is not much that can make me laugh, unless i'm being tickled, i just don't laugh at much...funny movies i don't find very funny, my hubby trys so hard to come up with jokes that 'll make me laugh but i just don't, i mean i laugh like a small quick giggle, but i just don't seem to find humor in much and i hate it, i love being silly and i make people laugh but i can't...am i the only one like this?..any advice on how to find things funny?...wierd question...bet it made you laugh....ha ha

2007-07-16 17:37:29 · 7 answers · asked by Nita and Michael 7

I received a joke in an e-mail about a man who liked birds so he started feeding them in the back yard it went on about the mess birds was making and the noise and how some of them even got mean and would peck at him when he tried to feed them it was really funny and would like to send it on to some of my friends but I have lost it can anyone out there help me with maybe finding it

2007-07-16 17:06:48 · 1 answers · asked by rgh14906 1

An employer, concerned with his best worker not showing up for work, decides to give him a call. He dialed the employee's home

phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

The small voice whispered, "No."



Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."



Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the

person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.



Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss

asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just

landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

2007-07-16 16:48:41 · 11 answers · asked by Conan 3

feed me air and I will grow, feed me water and I will die. What am I?

2007-07-16 16:35:18 · 24 answers · asked by Brittany P 1

"hi there, mind if I push your stool in ?"

2007-07-16 16:34:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

how long does it take for a penguin with two left feet to start a bonfire?

2007-07-16 16:17:41 · 8 answers · asked by JWK 2

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.


Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the Whole British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.



The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."



George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, don't give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

2007-07-16 15:50:32 · 5 answers · asked by old man 4

how many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb???







5..1 to do it..and four to look at it and say.."oh thats just....faaaaaabulous"

2007-07-16 15:40:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to
satisfy
her sexual urges. Her name is Paris . You'll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me! "

The social worker said, " Yeah, well . you started it."

2007-07-16 15:34:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

you can get two points just by telling me the funniest joke you can think of and if you know more than one feel free to put it in and if its really funny people will vote it the best answer and ill give you the best answer and you can get ten points

2007-07-16 15:15:21 · 8 answers · asked by crystal h 2

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

2007-07-16 15:00:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 rich guys all buy a birthday gift for their mom. the first one gets her a house with 40 rooms in it, the second got her a theater with 40 seats in it, the third get's her a parrot trained by monks so it can say every bible verse in the bible. so that afternoon she get's them all together to thank them and say's to the frist one thanks for the house but i don't need 40 rooms. she say's to the next one thanks for the theater but i'm old most of my friends are dead. and she get's to the last one and say's your's was the best of all, that was the best dang chicken i ever had.

2007-07-16 14:37:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

it was the first day for surinder on his job as a train driver, and the journey was going fine......all of a sudden the train swerved into the fields and then got back onto the track....no one was injured but the conductor and passengers were very confused and shaken up as to what had happened. upon arrival at the station, the conductor told the manager what had happened. the manager said to surinder why did u do this. surinder replied, there was a man standing in the middle of the track trying to kill himself. the manager said so u endangered a whole trainful of lives for one man, you should have just run him over. to this surinder replied, i did, but the bastard ran into the fields.......lol

2007-07-16 14:27:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Licence plate game
what does CCDDA mean

2007-07-16 14:26:52 · 10 answers · asked by Answers 3

(pointing at someone)hey you... yea you... come here. see what i did with one figure imagine what i can do with all 10.

2007-07-16 14:13:27 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

englishman, scotchman, irishman, 600feet up on the scafolding of a sky scraper, and it was lunch time the englishman opened his lunch box looked inside and said cheese bloody cheese again thats every day this week if i get cheese tommorow i`me going to throw myself of the building, the scotsman the same here if iget cheese tommorow i will do the same, well paddy opened his lunch box he too had cheese sandwiches he said oim fed up with cheese as well i will do the same as you two, well the next day gordon oppened his lunch box it was cheese so he jumped off the building, jimmie oppened his lunch box urgh he said so he too jumped, paddy oppened his box be jeepers he said he also jumped , a week later at the funerals of the work mates, the english mans wife said if only gordon had have said i would have put something else on his sandwiches, well the scotchmans wife said exactly the same thing, well said the irish mans wife what i can`t understand is paddy always put his own sandwiches up

2007-07-16 14:06:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

this guy just got sent over to iraq, and he has been use to having party's and little sleepovers with the girls he met at the partys. so he's talking to one of the solders and said,"i'm starting to get needy and have to get some." and he replies,"there's a camel outside go do your bussinus and come right back." well he thinks the guy is carzy and just go to bed. well the next night the same thing happens and the other solder said the same thing again. well the next night right before he goes in the tent he's thinking about some off the sleepovers he had, well now he just can't resit and see's the camel and start's doing his bussines. well the camel start's making destoping sounds and wakes up all the other solders and they come out to see what's going on. one of the soldiers ask,"what are you doing?" he replies,"well ya'll told me to go to the camel to get settal my needs." one of the solders steps up and says,"no, i ment ride the camel to town, there's a pack of codoms sack."

2007-07-16 13:52:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

not very good at the musical chairs, brilliant at pass the parcel.

2007-07-16 13:13:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-16 13:12:37 · 27 answers · asked by uly101 1

why did the whale cross the sea??to get o the other tide

2007-07-16 12:58:36 · 14 answers · asked by X_haunter 1

suspected of smuggling cocaine into the country.Apparently,
she bent over and a customs officer saw 50lbs of crack !!!

2007-07-16 12:53:52 · 38 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f00k the cat."

2007-07-16 12:51:05 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Police broke up a fight at a redneck wedding and the next day the two men were in court.

"Well" said the judge i'm disgusted tell me what happened",one of the men stands up and says "your honour in our community it is a custom that the best man always gets the first dance with the bride,so i was dancing with her when this man (pointing) ran over and kicked the lady right in the privates.

"My dear god,that must have hurt" says the judge "hurt" said the redneck he broke 3 of my fingers".

2007-07-16 12:48:55 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous