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Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

I've tried forever and I can't figure it out. Either I'm misinterpreting it or the answer is really hard, but either way, I need help. As far as I can tell, it's saying to rearrange the letters in the author's penname to get his real name, but interpret it how you will. Here's the riddle:

I told a little, tiny lie.
The author of this page? 'Tis I!
No Dale nor Leda Browe began
This vile, delightful, awful plan,
But who am I, the poet, thus
To make this most unholy fuss?
Unscramble either author's name
(The letters are exact. The same!),
And you'll discover something more.
Arrange the letters five, then four.
A common name will come to light,
A person who will make things right.
This real author is the key
To bliss and immortality;
Your name inscribed upon the wall,
The pride of all the Champion Hall,
You, a victor of this tourney,
And you can rest then from this journey.

2007-07-17 10:53:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

gimme all the randomness you got!

2007-07-17 10:47:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

God?A man was praying to god.

He said, "God ?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny ?"

And God cheerfully said,

"Sure!.......just a second ."

2007-07-17 10:44:31 · 33 answers · asked by ♪get it?got it?good♪ 1

Starts With an 'A', ends with a 'nja'....(not 'Lily' lol)

2007-07-17 10:43:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the hold of his ship. "Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile." The men cheered and rattled their chains. "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

2007-07-17 10:29:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

11

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continued. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

"I would have been released today

2007-07-17 10:16:00 · 24 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks into it, and says, 'Wow! I know this person. I've seen this person somewhere before...'
The other blonde says, 'Give me a look at that,' taking the mirror from her friend. She looks into it and says, 'Duh, of course you've seen that person before. That's me!'

..........................................

a blonde and a lawyer are seated nxt to each other on a flight from perth to sydney. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game, but the blonde who is tired and wants to sleep during the flight, politely declines and rolls over to the window to try to get to sleep. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
'i'll ask you a question,' he says 'and if you dnt know the answer, you pay me five dollars and vice versa.'
Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer now agitated, says. 'okay, if you dnt know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and if i don't know the answer, i'll pay you five hundred dollars.'
Realising that ther won't be any end to this torments unless she plays the game, the blonde gives in. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'
The blonde dosnt say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five hundred dollar bills and hands it to the lawyer. 'okay,' asys the lawyer, 'your turn'.
'What goes up a hill with three legs and goes down with four legs?' the blonde asks the lawyer.
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his reference, but can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net, but still no answer. Frustrated, he sends email to all his friends and co-workers, but to no avail. after an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her five hundred dollars in crisp hundred dollar notes.
The blonde says 'Thank you' and turns back to get some sleep.
The lawyer who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, 'well, what's the answer?'
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer five dollars, and goes back to sleep.

2007-07-17 10:13:22 · 10 answers · asked by witch 2

A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin.

So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.

They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture.

The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.

The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years! The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.

So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"

2007-07-17 10:02:50 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

One summer evening during a viloent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice "mommy can you sleep in here with me tonight?" The mother smiled and said with a reassuring hug "I can't dear I have to sleep in Daddys room". A long silence was broen at last by his shaky little voice "the big sissy"

2007-07-17 09:37:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

2007-07-17 09:34:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

2007-07-17 09:31:04 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

This old man went to a nude camp and sees this young woman. He thinks she's pretty cute naked, so before he cn stop himself, he gets an erection. She looks at him and says "you got an erection?" "No!" he says, looking embarrassed. "That means you called for me!" She said. "Okay!" he says. So she has her way with him. Later that day he was walking along and he farted. A man comes to him and says "You farted?" "Yes I did, as a matter of fact." "That means you called for me!" "Oh no!" So the man has his way with him. After that, he went to the front desk to check out. "You only just got here!" said the lady at the front desk. "Why are you leaving?" "I'm 75 years old." he says. "And all I know is that I get an erection once a month and fart twelve times a day!"

2007-07-17 09:27:31 · 5 answers · asked by sonofEatonWrite 3

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
>So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

2007-07-17 09:21:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

So there are two angels, one always lies and one always tells the truth. There are two doors one leading to heaven and one to hell. You want to go to heaven.... You can only ask one Question to the angels what do you ask them to go to heaven.
NOW... the question actually has to help you get to heaven because in class tosay everybody was like are you an angel..? well that doesnt help me figure out which door is the correct one soooooo...... anyone know???? the answer....

2007-07-17 09:20:41 · 4 answers · asked by ferretdash 2

These two guys were walking down the street and see a dog happily licking himself. One of the guys said, "Boy! I wish I could do that! I'd never leave the house!" The other guy kind of looks at him funny and says "Whatever, but I think you better go pet him first..."

2007-07-17 09:19:03 · 4 answers · asked by sonofEatonWrite 3

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

2007-07-17 09:02:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2

What's the answer to this riddle?


I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-07-17 08:45:03 · 12 answers · asked by Danys M 1

0

Horseride

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled
in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when the Wal-Mart manager runs out
to shut the horse off.

2007-07-17 08:41:49 · 7 answers · asked by Gaucho 6

a strange quirk in that he would not go through a tight spot. A door had to be wide open or he would balk. (I guess he had been caught by a spring door when he was younger.)
There was a section of the building with posh furniture and carpet. Access to the section was through an opening in a planter wall. I didn't want the dog to go into that section, so I placed a "THIS SECTION CLOSED" sign in the middle of the opening, and said "See that?".... The dog looked, and we walked on.
A workman shouted "Hey are you saying that dog can read?"
I replied "Well, watch.", and I squeezed past the sign but the dog who had been at my side in perfect obedience, planted four feet and wouldn't go through, no matter how much I shouted and tugged.

I moved the sign (now there was lots of room), and the dog walked through as though nothing was wrong.
Each time the sign was in the doorway, the dog couldn't be forced through; remove it and he would trot on through.
Somewhere there is a work crew that believes my dog can read. ....

2007-07-17 08:40:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What was the funniest sign/bumper sticker you have ever seen?
Here are some of my favorites
"Caution! The edges of this sign are sharp! *in small letters* Oh, and the road is out ahead" (sign)
"Due to technical difficulties, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off" (Bumper sticker)

2007-07-17 08:27:59 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

This young guy has a date with his girlfriend; it’s the 1st time he is going out with ALL her family.

He stops at the pharmacy to buy some condoms, he asks the pharmacist:
“Sir, can you give me a small box of condoms?, you know I’m going out to dinner with my girlfriend and ALL her family, but maybe tonight afterwards…”

As he is going out the door, he turns around
“Sir, you know what, give me a box more of condoms… you never know, my girlfriends sister….”

Almost out the door, he changes his mind and gets one more box…. You know, for the mother…. Just in case.

That night he is at the dinner table, the girlfriends tells her man : “honey, you sure are quiet, you never told me you where shy”

He answers:

“you never told me your father is a pharmacist “

2007-07-17 08:16:57 · 10 answers · asked by sara76c 4

Notice in a pet shop window ( Buy a Dog get one flea )

2007-07-17 08:05:32 · 19 answers · asked by colin872966 5

Since we evolved from monkeys, which species of monkleys did we evolve from. And why the hell are there still monkeys around.

2007-07-17 08:05:13 · 17 answers · asked by haile d 3

4

What two coins add up to 30 cents? One is NOT a nickle.

2007-07-17 08:01:13 · 6 answers · asked by Ryan J 2

there is 7ft of water you take 3ft of water out but there is still 7ft of water.
how is this possible ?

2007-07-17 07:54:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

if u like a good laugh check these out
it's good irish belfast humour
crazy priest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3kCRZZZUno
the irish bank robbery
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWMPXPKMv9s&mode=related"search=

enjoy the craic

2007-07-17 07:50:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

how much dirt is in a hole 6ft wide, 8ft deep and 5ft long ?

2007-07-17 07:22:59 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

a horse is tied to a 15 foot rope and there is a bail of hay 25 feet away from him, yet the horse is able to eat from the bail of hay,

how is this possible ?

2007-07-17 07:21:27 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

*mike tyson virus --quits after one byte
*Lorena Bobbit -- turns your hard disk into a 3.5in floppy
* saddam husein virus -- wont let you into any of your programs
*monica lewinski virus -- sucks out all the memory of your computer
*oprah winfrey virus -- your 200mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 200mb
*titanic virus -- makes your whole computer go down
*disney virus -- everything in your computer goes goofy
*ronald reagan virus -- saves your data, but forgets where its stored

2007-07-17 06:15:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The options are:

1. Give it away to someone who is richer than myself

2. Buy 20000 footballs

3. Get 3 aeroplanes

4. Give my money to feed all the crows in this world.

If you give the correct answer, you will get 5% of the above amount*








*Conditions apply : The distributon of price money is subject to my receiving this money first !!

2007-07-17 05:50:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

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