Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

She comes with all of Ken’s stuff

2007-07-17 15:01:13 · 6 answers · asked by phil W 3

A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.

"Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby!

At the end of the day, she's waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his first day at school?"

"I learned that my name is David."

2007-07-17 14:47:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect,just perfect! She's the one I want to
marry!"

So they were wed right away. Months later a baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her!"

2007-07-17 14:45:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.

He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.

He Practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target.

Getting A little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was
Walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.

Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck Square in
the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see His
sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the
Dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help
in The kitchen." Then she whispered to him, " Remember the duck?" So
Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go Fishing
and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make Supper."

Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny
told Me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the
duck? " So Sally Went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, He
finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and
confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know.
You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but
because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you
would let Sally make a slave of you. "

2007-07-17 14:41:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Gay bar pick-up

"Hi there, may I push your stool in for you?"

2) Staight bar, or Lesbian Bar

"I'm a cunning linguist and hankering for a slurpie."

2007-07-17 14:41:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night a man sleeping soundly inside of his house and around 3am he hears a knock on the door.

The guy gets up, opens the door and looks at the welcome mat and see's a snail on the welcome mat. The guy was so angry this snail woke him up he picked up the snail and threw it into the other yard.

About three years later he gets a knock on the door with the snail on the welcome mat saying : "the hell was that all about?"

2007-07-17 14:33:22 · 6 answers · asked by ? 4

2007-07-17 13:30:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went to hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his pe nis.
According to the attending nurse, the patients girlfriend found it in his trouser pocket and was so mad at him she used petrolleum jelly to slip it onto his pe nis while he was sleeping.


I don't know whats worse..
1) having your girlfriend find out your married!
2)Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your pe nis!
3)....Or finding out your pe nis fits through your wedding ring!!

2007-07-17 13:20:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can of striped Paint for the sky hooks
Bucket of welding sparks
Plastic wrap for a female fattening tool
A Cheesy muff burger with lots of sauce and a randy tart for lunch.
A cork screw spanner
A sheet of broken glass
A packet of wooden welding rods
Air for the spray gun


And off to the office in his underwear for a dip in the typing pool

Add yours

2007-07-17 13:15:06 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-17 13:09:56 · 5 answers · asked by to the moon 2

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as
he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in
his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was
looking at two Daddy Long Legs' mating.

"Daddy, what are those two insects doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the insect on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden." she said

2007-07-17 13:09:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sisters Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 - no less.After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it home."The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly......... com-for-da-bull".

2007-07-17 12:58:59 · 47 answers · asked by littlegoober75 4

2007-07-17 12:56:03 · 8 answers · asked by snozzberries 4

2007-07-17 12:52:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rabbit asks got any lettuce?
Bucher replies no this is a butcher’s
Next day same thing happens
After a week of the rabbit coming into his shop every day asking for lettuce the butcher has had enough
Next time the rabbit comes in he says look you if you come in here again asking for lettuce I will nail you to the wall
Next day rabbit comes in; the butcher is storming towards him
Rabbit says got any nails?
Bucher stops scratches his head and says no this is a butchers
Rabbit well have you got any lettuce?

2007-07-17 12:50:10 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer any of them just put the number next two your answer
1.)A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
2.)How many animals did Moses take on the ark?
3.)you are a bus driver, at the first stop 10 people with red shirts get off, at the second stop 3 people with malaria get off at the last stop 22 weomen with babies get off. what is the busdrivers name? follow my favorite link: (note: only listen up to 7:05)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk2kfD5ZKls&feature=PlayList&p=B100903794FB1CE3&index=0

2007-07-17 12:43:43 · 16 answers · asked by Answers 3

best one gets ten points and dont just type in hard brain teaser on a website and copy and paste it. type in one you know!

2007-07-17 12:35:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

He is soaking wet from head to foot.He goes up to his mate Kelly and says,"That's the last time I try that f*****g riverdance."

2007-07-17 12:33:15 · 24 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

There have been complaints to ofcom that there are not enough black or asian people on television.......?
to make up for this, the BBC have announced they will be showing crimewatch twice a week

2007-07-17 12:22:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

and I said 'Can I rent "Batman Forever"?

He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back by 9pm tomorrow'

2007-07-17 12:21:25 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence interested in what the cheeky faced youngster was doing he politly asked

"what r u up to there nancy?"

"my goldfish died" replied nancy tearfully without looking up "and i have just buried him."

" thats an awfully big hole isnt it said the neighbour for a goldfish?"

nancy patted the earth down and said
"thats because he's inside your f###ing cat"

2007-07-17 12:17:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-17 11:53:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-17 11:47:29 · 6 answers · asked by ask_me_not 1

superman is crazy about wonder woman, so when he is flying over the city one day he spots wonder woman lying naked on the roof of a sky scraper.
superman thinks to himself that with his amazing powers he could zoom down and shag her and be gone before she even reliases whats happening. he cant control himself as he watches her lying there so he zooms down and goes like a train and then woosh, he is gone.
wonder woman sits up and says 'what was that breeze i felt on my body'.
i dont know says the invisible man, but my *** is f*****g killing me!!

2007-07-17 11:38:26 · 28 answers · asked by josey 3

A guy rode his horse into town on Friday, stayed three days and went back home on Friday. How did he do it?

Check back in two days and I will post the answer.

2007-07-17 11:37:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Taken from a song I think

2007-07-17 11:21:38 · 6 answers · asked by Luke 1

A little girl accidentally sees her dad in the shower. She's curious and asks what his testicles are. 'Those are the apples of the tree of life he tells her'. Impressed she repeats this to her mother who adds did he say any thing about the dead ******* branch they are hanging on

2007-07-17 11:13:39 · 11 answers · asked by rocky 3

I have lost three in the last two weeks, they seem to just get up and move away. I found one pieces over the back wall where I think he must have lost his grip and fallen.
Any ideas?.

2007-07-17 11:08:06 · 9 answers · asked by Damski007 2

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very
short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked
if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A
quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I
think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."

2007-07-17 11:07:17 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

real pity as we where only half way through giving him the bumps

2007-07-17 11:06:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous