Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Two statues in a park

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude
man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again ?

He asks her. 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies,
'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh!t on it's head.'

...........AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

2007-07-18 13:45:26 · 7 answers · asked by Charlotte's Dad 5

This was found on an English Grammar web site .These are actual submissions entered for correction and grammatical check. Some are absoultey LOL hilarious.
See if you can spot them. It's fun!

"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

"Dinner Special -- Turkey $4.35; Chicken or Pork $4.25; Children $4.00."

"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

"Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

"Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

"Free: farm kittens, ready to eat."

2007-07-18 13:25:56 · 6 answers · asked by Ink Corporate 7

She receives a phone call from her husband's doctor saying that his test results are in and the doctor needs to see him immediately. All worried, she asks "Why? I didn't even know he got tests done. Is everything ok?" The doctor says "Just tell him to see me as soon as possible!"
The wife faints and when her husband arrives home he finds her lying on the ground. He asks if she's ok and she says "I'm fine but you're not. Go to your doctor, he wants to see you about your test results." The husband then says "Good golly miss molly!"

2007-07-18 13:25:07 · 12 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky

2007-07-18 13:22:03 · 10 answers · asked by britney487 3

...were talking in a pub. The Englishman said, "We called our son George because he was born on St. George's day". The Scotsman said, "Well our son was born on St. Andrew's day which is why we named him Andrew". The Irishman said, "Well, would you believe that now - that's exactly what happened with our son Pancake !"

2007-07-18 13:19:11 · 7 answers · asked by deebee731 2

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks... "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year!.."

2007-07-18 13:08:01 · 7 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-07-18 12:43:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk gets up from the bar and stumbles his way to the bathroom.
A few minutes later a loud, blood curdling scream was heard throughout the bar coming from the toilet.
Few minutes past and another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about,
"Whats all the screaming in here your scaring my customers!"
"Im just sitting here on the toilet and everytime i try to flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"
With that the bartender opens the door to the toilet looks in and says; "You idiot! your sitting on the fecking mop bucket!"

2007-07-18 12:39:23 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man goes to the doctors and the doctor runs some tests."you have cancer, sir." the doctor says to the man.the man says "i want a second opinion!" "Okay," says the doctor "your ugly too."

2007-07-18 12:22:35 · 9 answers · asked by Stephanie </3 3

A little girl asks her dad: " Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" the dad said " He's both." Later she came in and said " Daddy, is God black or white?" the dad said " He's both" she paused to think about this for a second then said " Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

2007-07-18 12:21:15 · 16 answers · asked by parisianprincess753 2

this is my last joke i'm gonna tell, so enjoy...

An old Jamaican lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives.

A beautiful young woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume.

She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce."

The old lady with a deadpan expression says nothing.

Another young, beautiful, expensive-smelling woman enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce"

The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the combined perfumes.

One floor later, as the Jamaican lady approaches her destination, she quietly eases out a long silent fart, which quickly overpowers the combined expensive perfumes and leaves the other two women with watery eyes.

As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says "Cabbage, Jamaica, $40 a bunch"

2007-07-18 12:19:26 · 3 answers · asked by ♥*~HΣαRT~*♥ 2

here some more. hehehe

seeing two dogs mating, an embarrassed canadian teacher tried to explain it to her young students.
you see, she said, the dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is taking him to the doctors
oh, l get it, said one student, just like in the US. try to help someone and they screw you everytime

when a canadian thinks of hell, he wonders what the heating bill will be.

a girl sat sobbing in a police station. l was raped by a canadian she wailed
how do you know he was a canadian? asked the officer
because l had to help him

little jenny came home after playing at deans house and called out, hey mom, guess what? deans got a penis like a peanut.
her mother was understandably confused for a second, then queried:
what you mean its shaped like a peanut?
no silly... it tastes salty

2007-07-18 12:10:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

lol

2007-07-18 12:04:55 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse. "I want to get weighed," replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," Amber responded.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her room mate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Amber responded,
"Oh, Waura. It was wousy."

2007-07-18 12:04:20 · 20 answers · asked by "!" 5

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

2007-07-18 12:03:17 · 17 answers · asked by cutest chick!!! 3

An eldery couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together
in a small tavern, the husband leans over and asks his wife...


"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty
years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against
the fence and I made love to you."


"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."


"Ok", he says, "How about taking a stroll a round
there again and we can do it for old times sake."


"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,"
she answers.


There's a police officer sitting in the next booth
listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He
thinks, "I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex
against a fence, I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble." He follows them...


They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support,
aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers,
she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man
moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that
the watching policeman has ever seen.

2007-07-18 12:01:38 · 17 answers · asked by "!" 5

A mother and her son were flying Air Jamaica from Montego Bay to Miami. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did".
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air Jamaica always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

2007-07-18 11:57:30 · 10 answers · asked by ♥*~HΣαRT~*♥ 2

This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to 5 really important questions:
Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND THE NIPPLES FOR?
A : It's Braille for "suck here".
Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A : It's the same as a French kiss, only down under."
Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A : Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A : Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A : Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

2007-07-18 11:50:11 · 18 answers · asked by Nola 3

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"


The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

2007-07-18 11:17:42 · 14 answers · asked by The prophet of DOOM 5

Hopefully this one makes up for the last two....haha

This man has three daughters. The first one goes up to the dad and says, "Daddy, why did you name me Rose?"

The dad says, "It's because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

Rose says, "Okay, thanks daddy."

The second daughter says, "Daddy, why'd you name me Lily?"

The dad says, "When you were born, a lily petal fell on your head."

Lily replies, "Oh, okay, daddy."

The third daughter makes a bunch of strange grunting noises.

The dad says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

2007-07-18 10:55:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a doodoo han ging out your butt or wait to finish and posibly get killed

2007-07-18 10:53:18 · 11 answers · asked by xxdslapslime 1

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

2007-07-18 10:52:55 · 13 answers · asked by a m 4

You are on a dual carriageway.... To the left there is a sheer drop of 30 inches or so...to the right of you there is a fire engine with sirens blazing....In front of you there is a horse, and behind you a zebra, both seem to be travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to remove yourself from this potentially dangerous situation?










Get your drunken ar se off the Merry-Go-Round!

2007-07-18 10:52:11 · 12 answers · asked by rose_merrick 7

They're both kinda similar, but I think they're funny.

So there's these two muffins sitting in an oven. (One is poppyseed, and one is blueberry.)

One of them turns to the other and says, "Gee, it's hot in here."

The other one says, "Aaaaaaah!!!!! A talking muffin!!!!"



2. There's two whales in the ocean. One of them says, "muuuuaaaahhhhh aaaaammmmuuuuuaaaaaaoooo." (Whale noises)

The other one says, "what?!?!?!"

2007-07-18 10:48:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 blondes walk into a bar


you would think one of them would have seen it!

2007-07-18 10:36:20 · 12 answers · asked by DILAILA!!! 2

Okay so one day, a duck walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, "ya got any grapes?"
The bartender tells him no and is a little annoyed.
The next day, the same duck waddles in, quacks in the bartenders face, and says, "ya got any grapes?"
The bartender is more than a little irritated and says, "NO. This is a bar, of course we don't have grapes.
The next day, the duck is there again, asking for grapes.
The bartender loses his temper and says, "IF YOU COME IN HERE ASKING FOR GRAPES ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THIS COUNTER!!!".

The next day, the duck comes in with a disguise on and says, "ya got any nails?" The bartender, confused, says, "uh....no."

The duck rips of the disguise and says, "In that case, ya got any grapes?"

2007-07-18 10:24:14 · 13 answers · asked by Bella K. 1

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

2007-07-18 10:22:36 · 12 answers · asked by britney487 3

So three blonde girls want to be detectives. So they go to the detective agency to get a job. The person hiring them tells them that he will show them a profile of someone and they have to make one observation in order to get the job.

The first blonde looks at the picture and says, "He only has one ear."

The guy says, "No, that's just because its a profile. You don't get the job."

The second blonde says, "He only has half a nose."

The guy, getting irritated, says, "That's because it's only a profile!!!"

The third blonde says, "The man wears contacts."

The guy says, "wow, that's impressive!! Let me look into that, and if you were right, you get the job."

He comes back and says, "You were correct! You get the job. Just tell me how you figured that out."

The blonde says....


"Oh that was easy. With only one ear and half a nose, how would you expect him to wear glasses?"

2007-07-18 10:15:37 · 13 answers · asked by Bella K. 1

and assume I am a statue? Also will this help reduce global warming?

2007-07-18 10:15:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me."
I'll be leaving before the next round.

2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50.

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
I''m easy.

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
I''m gay.

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
I''m horny.

2007-07-18 10:06:29 · 5 answers · asked by britney487 3