Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

2007-07-19 08:19:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

259*ur age*39=?

2007-07-19 08:15:16 · 9 answers · asked by David 2

Wish you were here with me............















In my room with me............














On my bed.............














With the the lights off.............














Then we would go under my covers.........









Then...............>








I would show you my totally cool glow in the dark pen........

2007-07-19 08:12:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

2007-07-19 08:10:54 · 16 answers · asked by Gern 1

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!


Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."


"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible! "the roommate answered." He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."

" Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"


Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

2007-07-19 08:08:32 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

1. Start at London Heathrow Airport
2. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
3. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" -
follow for 0.2 miles.
5. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for
0.3 miles
6. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport
Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles
7. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2
miles
8. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0
miles
11. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8
miles
14. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
15. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7
miles
16. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
17. Arrive at the centre of town.
Now that's the way to f*cking Amarillo!

2007-07-19 08:02:42 · 25 answers · asked by "!" 5

sleep on there back???

2007-07-19 07:50:08 · 21 answers · asked by slim trim 4

whats blue and smells of red paint????????????





blue paint!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-19 07:25:54 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said '**** him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

2007-07-19 07:05:07 · 22 answers · asked by "!" 5

1. 81 S S in S
2. 1 P of P P that PPP
3. 40 D B Z = T W C and F M
4. 3 O M (G S and B)
5. 12 S of the Z
6. 1001 A N
7. 1 F over the C N
8. 2 T (in the L of the R)
9. 4 W and a F
10. 2 is C,3 is a C
11. 2 M A by J C
12. 20 Y that RVWS
13. 4 P on M R
14. 2 D in the B S
15. 10 T on a S
16. 4 C of the H
17. 13 S on the A F
18. 54 C in a D with J
19.29 D in F in a LY
20. 200 D for P G in M
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
here are some i made up myself
1.over 10 Y since the JB R M on C N of N N S
2. 5 C in a W P
3.almost 10 years after the M of JB R , J M K FC to being with the
S Y O girl when S D,and said " I L JB A S D A"
have fun!first one to figure them out wins.

2007-07-19 06:56:53 · 18 answers · asked by nobody 3

Between 1-100, can you guess which number?
everybody will get 10 points if you answer correctly. You have only once chance and until 11:30 am Eastern Standard Time, ready, set, GO!

2007-07-19 06:47:43 · 20 answers · asked by Angelheart♥ 5

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

2007-07-19 06:42:11 · 20 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A little black boy went into the kitchen and stuck his hand in flour went up to his mother and said,''Look mommy, I'm a little white boy.'' The mother of the boy smacked him and sent him to his father to tell him what he had said. The little black boy told his father and got smacked. His father said go tell your grandmother! The boy ran up the stairs and told his Grandmother,'' Look, Granny! I'm a little white boy.'' The grandmother slapped him so hard he hit the dresser beside him. When he got back to his feet he said,'' I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people!''

2007-07-19 06:40:31 · 11 answers · asked by dubby 1

in a math class,,suddenly a boy called sam makes noise such as this--
pdrrrrpodrrrpootpootpooottttttt

and then--
jack--dude sam,,u pooped ur pants,,
sam--no i didn't
jack--i can see it,,
sam--waaaa(cries),,what a pity on me,,nobody poops in his pants in college,,waaaaa,,
teacher--its ok sam,,go to the toilet and wash it off,,
(sam goes and comes back in few seconds)
sam--hello dudes and girls,,waaaaa,,,i m a new student in ur class,,waaaa,,my name's bryan,,and i like to skate,,waaa,,i heard one of ur classmate pooped in his pants,,oh what an idiot,,(sits besides a girl),,hi lets be frnds,,waa,,i would never do anything to destroy our relationship,,such as pooping in my pants,,waaaa,,
teacher--sam,,just go into the toilet and wash it off,,
(sam goes again and come back in another few seconds)
sam--hello kids,,this is me ur principal,,waaaa,,i heard one of ur classmate pooped in his pants,,waaa,,oh what an idiot,,there's a new kid in ur grade,,bryan,he's kool,,waaaa,,

2007-07-19 06:00:40 · 14 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

if mum's have mothers day and dad,s have fathers day what do single men have ?

palm sunday

your mamma is so fat she sat on a landrover and she turned it in 2 a mini

Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Your momma's so dumb she tried to kill herself by jumping out of the basement window

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long 2 get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
HEBREWS!!!

2007-07-19 05:37:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man walks into a bar and see this guy sitting across from him with six shots in front of him...the man wonders i guess my day wasnt soo bad..he orders a beer and sits back to relax...next thing you know the man with the shots takes all of them in a row jumps up runs to the window and jumps out 60 stories straight down..the man watches in horror but the man floats down lands safely on the ground and runs back up to his seat..the man is dumbfounded and says how did you do that...the man replies take these shots and you can do it too...soo he does and jumps out the window ....fallen fallen...splat the man dies...the bartender looks over and says..ur such an asshole when ur drunk SUPERMAN!!

2007-07-19 05:33:51 · 6 answers · asked by R E I G N 2

What is it a man stands up to do, a woman sits down to do, and a dog holds out his leg to do?

2007-07-19 05:00:38 · 15 answers · asked by D N 3

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you

2007-07-19 04:56:17 · 6 answers · asked by jollyboy booboo 2

2007-07-19 04:26:40 · 3 answers · asked by Dead 2 Self 4

you do not believe in GOD anyway? Could it be that somewhere deep in side of you there is a still small voice whispering, "what if its true"?

2007-07-19 03:57:52 · 41 answers · asked by wordman 3

10 points for 1st person to make me laugh

2007-07-19 03:45:13 · 18 answers · asked by old school 2

Very strange and random answer. Don't cheat and ruin it.

2007-07-19 03:43:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

dad,! cried the boy.What,s he like? asked the copper,Beer,women and fags,said the boy

2007-07-19 03:28:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt w/the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
you have a headache."

2007-07-19 02:18:18 · 42 answers · asked by ♠♥Mi$$vỜnDutch♪♫ 3

My friends dog had an opporation and part of its nose was put into its eye, so now when it smells something its eye waters xD

2007-07-19 01:16:24 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. If mums have mother's day, and dads have father's day, what do single guys have?






A. Palm Sunday

2007-07-19 01:02:10 · 18 answers · asked by ? 3

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses.
On the third tee the husband said, ''Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix.''
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, ''I told you to watch out for the houses!'' Alright, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.''
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, ''Come on in.''
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, ''Are you the people that broke my window?''
''Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.'' the husband replied.

2007-07-19 00:55:23 · 12 answers · asked by highlyjobless 2

I typed 'Google Gothic' and then also 'Google Loco' into google then hit 'Im Feeling Lucky' and it was so cool! anyone know anyother phrases you can type in to make it do this sort of thing?

2007-07-19 00:36:17 · 7 answers · asked by christine 2

An elderly woman visits to the doctor for a full check up. Afterwards she goes and tells her husband the diagnosis. He storms into the doctors office and says "How dare you make remarks about my wife's private parts!"
The doctor looks confused, and says "I told her she had acute angina."

2007-07-18 23:56:40 · 14 answers · asked by ? 7

dr ive got a bad discharge, dr takes down her knickers and starts to finger her,hows that feel? woman replies very nice but the discharge is in my ear

2007-07-18 23:50:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous