Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Americans sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:

* *
"Defrost the chicken."

2007-07-20 04:28:39 · 11 answers · asked by budgie 4

if you said err that is sick or something along that line your really sick for imagining it weirdo

2007-07-20 04:28:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think"

2007-07-20 04:09:54 · 6 answers · asked by Mooey 4

a policeman stops a speeding rolls royce, he asks the driver to step out the car. he asks the driver why he was speeding ,the reply came back in a broad irish accent because he was running out of petrol.the policeman was angry not because the man had a nicer car than him it was because he hated witty irishmen.so he said right paddy i'll show you funny, he then drew a circle in chalk around him and said don't move. he then went to the front of the roller drew his truncheon and smashed the head lights. there do you think thats funny, to his surprise paddy was laughing loudly. he then went to the back of the roller and smashed its rear lights. now do you think thats funny, paddy was in histerics.right the policeman said went to the back of his police car fetched a sledge hammer anb smashed every window,windscreens side panels bonnet and boot.paddy was rollnig on the floor in fits of laughter. the policeman o.k. i give in why are you laughing.when you turned around i stepped out th circle

2007-07-20 04:02:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

2007-07-20 03:56:05 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's
rather taken aback because he can't place where he
knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you
the stripper from my bachelor party, that I made love
to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm
your son's teacher

2007-07-20 03:56:03 · 10 answers · asked by ♥RaCheL♥ 6

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

2007-07-20 03:40:09 · 11 answers · asked by Clarkey 2

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk,A carton of eggs,A quart of orange juice,A head of romaine lettuce,A 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'The drunk replied,''Cause you're ugly.'

2007-07-20 03:18:05 · 7 answers · asked by FallenAngel© 7

Three guys died and were being judged. God told them that based on how many times they cheated on their wives would depict what they drive around in heaven on. The 1st guy cheated on his wife 3 times, so God gave him a car, the 2nd guy cheated on his wife 7 times, so God gave him a motor bike, the 3rd guy cheated on his wife 10 times, so God give him a Bicycle. When the 2nd and 3rd guys were riding around in heaven they saw the 1st guy crying his eyes out. They couldn't understand why he was crying seeing that he had a car to ride in, so they asked him what the problem was. The 1st guy said "man I just saw my wife riding a skateboard".

2007-07-20 02:58:05 · 9 answers · asked by islandgirl God and family 5

2007-07-20 02:52:53 · 5 answers · asked by Effie 2

A little girl goes running into her Dad.
"Dad, what does sex mean?"
"Well..."
The father decides it is time for her daughter to know the truth.
He then goes on to explain exery last detail about how babies are made, as he puts it. Jumping from periods to intercourse to giving birth.
This man probably told his daughter more than /you/ know, he told her everything that you shoudn't know at her age.
"So," he finishes off, "Why did you want to know?"
The little girl, with a look of bewilderment on her face replies, "Mom said dinner would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Star Worthy? =D

2007-07-20 02:35:27 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

And why aren't there any jokes about other martial artists such as Jet Li, Jackey Chan, or for that matter, Clarence Gilyard (after all, he did play Walker's partner on the show)? If there are any, please point me to them!

2007-07-20 02:10:31 · 5 answers · asked by Brian H 3

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

2007-07-20 00:07:08 · 13 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa, I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

2007-07-19 22:46:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked
the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told
the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told her he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...


.............


"Mop and bucket to register 5"

2007-07-19 22:42:59 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one
day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys
it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for
10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they
enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we
don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during
dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

2007-07-19 21:42:43 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


there was no answer....Lol.

2007-07-19 20:04:36 · 15 answers · asked by miss@merica 2

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

2007-07-19 19:59:08 · 6 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

2007-07-19 19:56:17 · 4 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

I need to work on my sense of humor for an upcoming social event, so your input is welcome

2007-07-19 19:35:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old mother Hubbert went to the cupbord to get her pore dog a bone,,
When Hubbert bent over,,,
Rover took over,,
and showed he already had a bone of his own.

2007-07-19 19:15:06 · 3 answers · asked by jim 1

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

2007-07-19 18:57:09 · 12 answers · asked by ♥bigmamma♥ 6

You have two coins they add up to 35 cents. One of the coins is not a dime. What are the two coins?

2007-07-19 18:09:55 · 5 answers · asked by karax2525 1

Bad Luck ****

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?", she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck."

2007-07-19 18:09:30 · 20 answers · asked by ๏๓ รђคภtเ, รђคภtเ รђคภtเ ....... ! 7

Magic Mirror ****

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror on my door, make my bust-line forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened and in minutes they both returned.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and both his legs fall off .

2007-07-19 18:02:31 · 11 answers · asked by ๏๓ รђคภtเ, รђคภtเ รђคภtเ ....... ! 7

You have two American coins that equal 30 cents. One of them is NOT an nickel. What are the two coins?

2007-07-19 18:01:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres was a girl that walked into a cherry orcherd she saw one cherry.what does this ridle mean?

2007-07-19 17:56:24 · 10 answers · asked by COUNTRY GIRL TO THE BONE 2

a cowboy rode in on friday stayed three days and left on friday how did he do it ?

2007-07-19 17:54:57 · 13 answers · asked by COUNTRY GIRL TO THE BONE 2

Can you name 6 vegetables that are really fruit?

2007-07-19 17:51:08 · 8 answers · asked by Precious Gem 7

2007-07-19 17:38:35 · 7 answers · asked by lizzie68 1