Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A Cornish Farmer has successfully grown an entire field of solar powered dildos.

The only problem is......


He's having trouble with squatters.....

2007-07-20 14:02:51 · 9 answers · asked by slevy64 2

Find out what may really mean when they say...

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great ****."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

2007-07-20 13:42:40 · 6 answers · asked by Jill 2

One day, Ken complained to his friend, 'My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a Doctor.'

His friend offered, 'Don't do that! There's a computer at the chemists that can diagnose anything, quicker than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell what you can do about it. It only costs £10.00.'

Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the chemists. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labour.
It will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the chemists, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins
Your daughter's using cocaine
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic
Your wife's pregnant - twin girls
They aren't yours
Get a lawyer
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

2007-07-20 13:38:17 · 16 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Dai Roasted

pmsl

2007-07-20 13:22:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I called a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to hook up
and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge Yeah," I said,
"Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's
a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!

"SO I HUNG UP ON THE FAT B*TCH"

2007-07-20 13:06:50 · 15 answers · asked by 株式会THE CITADEL 株式会 4

One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

2007-07-20 13:04:42 · 12 answers · asked by 株式会THE CITADEL 株式会 4

There was an Army Ranger deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In that letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he was gone AND she wanted the photographs of herself back.
So the Ranger does what any away Ranger would do.
He went around all his buddies and collected any unwanted photos of all the women he could find. He then mailed 25 photographs to his old girlfriend with this note:-

"I'm sorry, but I can't remember which one you are. Please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

2007-07-20 12:48:10 · 9 answers · asked by . 3

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

2007-07-20 12:38:12 · 12 answers · asked by 株式会THE CITADEL 株式会 4

A German Shepherd and a Jack Russell in the vet's office....
The German Shepherd says, "What are you in for?"
The Jack Russell says, "Neighbour's cat came in and ate my food so I gave it one and I've got to have my nuts chopped off...What are you in for?"
The German Shepherd says, "my mistress came downstairs the other morning, stark naked, took the washing out of the machine, she bent over and I couldn't resist it, I had to do it!"
The Jack Russell says, "Are they taking your nuts off as well?"
"No, I've got to have my nails clipped."

2007-07-20 12:33:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-20 12:31:44 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why couldn't the VIPER viper nose?

(........ooooooohh, I can't believe I'm telling this bad joke and shooting what's left of my joke telling reputation to shreds!!)

(answer:).......Because the ADDER 'adder 'ankerchief

2007-07-20 12:30:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."




*** NO OFFENSE TO POLITICIANS!! ***

2007-07-20 12:29:36 · 9 answers · asked by Tally 3

A man in his 80's struggles to get up from the couch, then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the Doctor."
"Why are you sick?"
"Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
The old man says, "Where the hell are you going?"
"I'm going to the Doctor, too."
"Why, what do you need?"
"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"

2007-07-20 12:25:38 · 10 answers · asked by . 3

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

2007-07-20 12:21:59 · 3 answers · asked by gub gub 1

Beware Pope!!
In Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

In Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe(again)
3. Australia lost the Ashes (again)
4. Pope Died (again)

Moral of the story -
In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry....

Please Warn The Pope.... !!

2007-07-20 12:21:05 · 10 answers · asked by bharat s 3

"Cash, cheque, credit card?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So do you always carry your tv remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

2007-07-20 12:19:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I Hate My Job" day

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from
work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a
rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this
brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice
that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE *** THAN YOURS!

2007-07-20 11:59:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

2007-07-20 11:40:09 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

There are two brunetts and three blondes. They're all drunk. The brunettes are in the frunt seats and the blondes are in the back of the truck. Suddenly the truck goes of into the water below the bridge. The two brunettes quickly open the doors and jump out of the truck. About a minute later the three blondes come up out of the water gasping for air. One of the two brunettes ask the blondes what took them so long to come up? And one of the three blondes answer her back "we couldnt get the tailgate open!"

2007-07-20 11:37:48 · 10 answers · asked by "!" 5

Jaimie and Joan got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Jaimie's mum and dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, little Johnny, Jamie's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Jaimie and Joan are up yet...
"No" said his mum.
Little Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
"I don't want to hear what you think - just go to school.

Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Jaimie and Joan up yet?"
"No" said his mum again.
"Do you know what I think?"
"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and get back to school."

After school little Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Jaimie and Joan up yet?"
"NO!" said his mum.
"Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "OK!" now tell me what you think then!"

"Well mum, last night Jaimie came to my room for Vaseline and I think I gave him aeroplane glue."

2007-07-20 11:29:22 · 24 answers · asked by . 3

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?"

The panda bear answers calmlly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."

2007-07-20 11:14:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

if i give u 20 dollars to go to the store and you came back with 11 dollars and 25 cents....i wanna know how much did this person spend at the store?

2007-07-20 11:07:49 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products
and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the >sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Rugby 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and
left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very unstable and costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory
and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter,
and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files,
and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard
drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw,
which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could
be problems.
A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects
Mistress 2005,it tends to delete all of your assets before
uninstalling itself.
Help requested please?

2007-07-20 11:02:30 · 25 answers · asked by vlf126 3

This is my joke that is almost done:

"A carrot walks into a salad bar and says..."

Any answers are really appreciated. Thanks.

2007-07-20 10:50:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

an old man lives in a retirement home. one day the nurse walks by his room and sees the old man crying.
N: why are you crying?
Old Man: my penis died today. i can't use it anymore

the nurse, knowing the old man has alzymers and is not in his right mind chuckles and walks on by.

the next day, the same nurse sees the old man walking around

as she looks closer, he can see his penis hanging out for everyone to see.

N: what's the matter? what's going on? why is your penis hanging out?

old man: today is the viewing

2007-07-20 10:46:45 · 4 answers · asked by ♫ 1

an office exec was interviewing a blone for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"if you could have a conversation with anyone alive or dead who would it be?" he asked
to which she replied "id have to say it would have to be the living one"

2007-07-20 10:44:42 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Should children witness child birth?
>
>Good question. Here's your answer.
>
>Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house
>was very dark so the paramedic asked
>Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he
>could see while he helped deliver the baby.
>
>Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and
>after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
>little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
>
>The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
>3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen
>quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
>place......smack his *** again!"
>
>If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

2007-07-20 10:16:11 · 12 answers · asked by bee bee 6

I was at a Starbucks and I was waiting for my drink which was iced coffee with a shot of caramel and so I wasn't sure if this drink and there was no one standing around so I sniffed it to see if it had coffee and caramel in it and this lady comes from out of no where and starts yelling "Is that my drink?!? Now I need to get an entire new drink because you licked it! Why would you do that?" Then I said " I didn't lick it I was smelling it to see if it was mine. Sorry." She said "No, you licked it I saw you! Now I have to get a new one!" My friend standing in the back said "She just sniffed it, trust me" The lady just took the drink and stormed away. Isn't that weird and stupid???

2007-07-20 10:14:08 · 21 answers · asked by crocsroc 2

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today coz they pissed me off!
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the *** I have to kiss tomorrow!
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays.
Andhelp me to remember..........When I am having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

2007-07-20 09:41:35 · 3 answers · asked by Dot_H 2

An old guy in Texas was going to bed one night when he noticed somebody in his shed stealing things, he phoned the police who said they had no one available to deal with it so he hung up. A few minutes later he phoned back and said " A few minutes ago I phoned you and told you about some people robbing my stuff, well you don't need to worry about it I've Shot them.!" Within 5 minutes there was half a dozen police cars, Helicopters and an armed response unit there and they caught the burglars red handed. A policeman turned to the old man and said "I thought you said you shot them.!" and the old man replied "I thought you said there was no one available.!"

2007-07-20 09:35:00 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6