Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

O.K. A very poor common country man woos the kings daughter until she falls in love with him. The man goes to the king to ask for his daughters hand in marriage. The king says tomorrow I will have you pick one of my hands. In one will be a piece of paper with the word marriage on it. The other will read death. What you pick is what you get. The man agrees but hears the king through his door tell his advisor that he is going to write death on BOTH pieces of paper. The next day the king DOES write death on both pieces, the man DOES pick a hand - yet he marries the princess...How?
No....he doesn't kill the king. Yes, everyone agrees he picked marriage...
How?
There is a very logical answer to this riddle...

2007-07-21 15:47:16 · 19 answers · asked by philisopheyes 3

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."

"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"

2007-07-21 15:36:39 · 10 answers · asked by ¤Elva¤ 4

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

2007-07-21 15:10:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need some jokes and riddles... do you know any??


best joke/riddle= best answer

thnx

2007-07-21 14:30:29 · 2 answers · asked by hey girl hey 3

Dorky Patrick who was on holiday in the Bahamas, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls and so decided to ask the lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate its obvious your'e wearing them old baggy swim trunks that make you look like some old crabby geezer!! they're years out of style! Your best bet is to get some of them speedos two sizes too small and drop a fist sized potato down inside em! I'm tellin ya man you will have all the babes ya want!"

The following day Patrick hits the beach in his spanking new speedo's and his fist sized potato. Everybody was disgusted as he walked by,covering there faces,turning away looking sick!
So he went back to the lifeguard and asks him "Whats wrong now?"
"Damn mate" (laughing his @ss off)
"The potato goes in the front!!"

2007-07-21 14:23:48 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the day of their 50th anniversary the reminiscing
wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night
and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says,
"Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his
newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that
same negligee the night we were married." She says,
"Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to
me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still
remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He's not
much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds,
"Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those bo*bs and scr*w
your brains out". She giggles and says, "Yes dear,
that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's
fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What
do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission
accomplished."

2007-07-21 14:14:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,

2007-07-21 14:01:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cop is patroling lovers lane when he see's the strangest thing,a young teenage couple are sitting in a car the guy in the front the girl in the back,the guy appeared to be reading a magazine the girl appeared to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the mans window.. ha wind down the window.
"Yes officer?|"
"I have to ask you what are you doing?"
"Well sir i'm reading a magazine"
"What about the young lady in the back seat?"
The young man turns and look behind him.
"well i think she's knitting a sweater"
"How old are you young man?"
"I am 22 officer"
"and the girl?"
The young man looks at his watch "well she'll be 18 in ten minutes"



Another American one there but worth a laugh i reckon??? :O)

2007-07-21 13:57:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother
do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices
that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking
out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and
inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something
wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs
turn white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
said "You must have really pissed Grandma off then."

2007-07-21 13:51:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom
in pairs.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's
the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive
device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can always see right through them.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male.
But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.

2007-07-21 13:49:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maybe some of you encountered this joke of mine already,but to those who ddn't yet, it's your time to have a break...Hope you enjoy it...

To all guys who use to say Why buy cow if there is milk for free.Here is an update for you. Now a days 80% of women are against marriage.Why? Because women realize that it is not worthy to buy an entire pig just to get a small sausage...

star is appreciated:

2007-07-21 13:48:21 · 6 answers · asked by hunnybuns 2

nothing - theyre both exactly the same

except a lump of poo is not a speccy, drippy homoseuxal twaat drooled over by teenage geeks and middle-aged muppets

2007-07-21 13:46:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

2007-07-21 13:38:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wife: Dear what is your gift in our 25th anniversary?
Husband: Im gonna bring you to Africa.
Wife: How sweet, oh what about in our 50th anniversary?
Husband: I will pick you up in Africa.

Beauty contest.....
Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?
Contestant: Because they are expensive.

Don't forget to put a star if it gives you a short happiness hehehe.

2007-07-21 13:35:18 · 9 answers · asked by hunnybuns 2

A mother runs a bath for her young son & tells him "You get in & start washing while I go get some clean towels. I'll be back in a little while."
About 5 minutes later, she hears frantic splashing sounds coming from the bathroom & rushes in. Seeing the look on her face, the blushing boy looks up & says crossly "Well, it's my wi**y & I can wash it as fast as I like!"

2007-07-21 13:31:43 · 11 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

our study is to find how much male n females genitalier the study on men shows on avarage a penis weighs between 3 and 4oz
having trouble findin out how much cuunts weigh so if u could jump on the scales and let me know.
lol

2007-07-21 13:29:14 · 8 answers · asked by prettygal32002 4

1. Men are like ... Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are
3. Men are like ....... Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ..... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like . .Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
12. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

2007-07-21 13:15:28 · 12 answers · asked by hunnybuns 2

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have s*x!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

2007-07-21 13:06:25 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

2007-07-21 13:02:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble
Shortly after lunch the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
Oh, everything is going very well. She said. I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit
The father asked her what had happened.
The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear. She said. I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole"
Damn The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's a*s* before the day was over

2007-07-21 12:50:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered:
"An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"

2007-07-21 12:44:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

James goes into a chemist's shop and asks to speak to a male chemist, as he has an embarrassing problem.

"I'm sorry," says the female chemist, "My sister and I run this shop, you'll have to speak to one of us about it."

Well, James is very embarrassed, but he tells her that he's had a permanent er**tion for the last year and whatever he does, he can't get rid of it for more than ten minutes... "Can you give me something for it?" he asks.

The chemist says she needs to consult her sister, and two minutes later comes back and says, "The best we can manage is £30,000 a year and a third share of the shop."

2007-07-21 12:27:42 · 9 answers · asked by . 3

how come the day doesnt turn into night........becuase boats cant swim lol... dont ya get it fish cant neither can boats LMAO!!!

2007-07-21 11:52:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, “Pretty much the way you do.” A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. “I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.

“Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”

“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!” “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impress

2007-07-21 11:20:00 · 14 answers · asked by Number 2 2

You had to kick your sister in the chin to get circumcised.

2007-07-21 11:07:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

haha I'm just trying to have fun people!!!!

2007-07-21 10:39:55 · 16 answers · asked by Dark Odyssey™ 5

and carry on asking? lol.xx jo

2007-07-21 10:34:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)

2007-07-21 10:22:52 · 6 answers · asked by Nola 3

Im a mail man and every time i go to mexicans doorstep and say "mail" women holding babies come up to me and say no its a gurl.

2007-07-21 09:57:59 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can't remmember where I heard this, but see what you think.
Kid goes to pick up his date. While he's waiting, Her Dad asks "well, where do you kids go to screw'? The kid in shock says "Sir". The Dad says "You know. It's the lastest thing, Isn't it "? Screwing? We kids did something simular when we were young".About that time the man's daughter came down stares and the couple leaves. About half an houre later the daughter busted through the front door, hair all a mess and cloths ruffled and hollers, " Dad, its the Twist!!! Not screw, Twist"!

2007-07-21 09:37:38 · 5 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7