Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves org*sm?"

She looked at him wistfully smiled, and rplied, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

2007-07-22 13:23:36 · 11 answers · asked by . 3

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

2007-07-22 13:22:33 · 9 answers · asked by Depoetic 6

There was a little boy called Tricky, who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

Little Tricky counted it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So Little Tricky put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then Little Tricky said.... "Eleven." :)

2007-07-22 13:15:57 · 21 answers · asked by . 3

I Haven't Heard One In Years, Don't Hold Back. Anything And Everything Is Fair Game.

2007-07-22 13:08:21 · 5 answers · asked by milow069 1

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t that he really was."

2007-07-22 13:08:04 · 12 answers · asked by . 3

Your Honour, I am 75 years old. So there I am, sittin on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour.
Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, 'Take me, young man, take me!' That's when he yelled, 'April Fool', and that's when I shot him!!"

2007-07-22 13:03:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole pokes his head out of the hole and said, "Mmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

2007-07-22 12:50:24 · 15 answers · asked by . 3

He fell off his horse.

2007-07-22 12:34:13 · 10 answers · asked by cha 2

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you three wishes!"

The man said, "I wish to be skinny, white and surrounded by p*ssy!!"

The genie rasied his arms and recited his mystical, magic chant and turned the man into a tampon!

2007-07-22 12:20:57 · 6 answers · asked by James V 3

A tank

2007-07-22 12:17:28 · 9 answers · asked by cha 2

Professional rugby teams can be pretty intense, and sometimes a little stressful. While there are times when you need to be serious, I always like to find opportunities to have a good laugh and make sure we still enjoy ourselves.

One of the best ways in the team environment is to play fun, but harmless, pranks on team-mates. I've pulled a few good ones in my time but now the boys are becoming more wary of me. I need a few more tricks to keep up my sleeve and I hope Kiwis out there can help me out.

Do you know any harmless practical jokes I could try?

2007-07-22 12:12:43 · 80 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy breaks into a house and starts stashing things in a pillow case. All of a sudden he hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you" The voice wasn't human like, and he just thinks it's his imagination. A couple of minutes he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you" - this time he turns on a small lamp and there in front of him is a parrot. Again the parrot says, "Jesus is watching you". The robber walks up to the bird and asks, "What's your name, little guy?" The bird answers, "My name is Moses." The robber asks, "Who on earth would name his pet parrot Moses?" The parrot says, "The same people who named their pet Pit Bull watchdog 'Jesus', that's who"

2007-07-22 12:11:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Santa was here at Christmas time.

Little Sue asked for a new stuffed bear
Little Jonny asked for a new Power ranger Action Figure.
and Sweet Sally asked for a Barbie Playhouse.

Whne it was Tim' turn he asked for a bebe gun.

Santa said thats a dangerous toy for you little tyke.

He said yeah well who else wants to kill you.

Just then the whole mall was filled with kids with bebe guns.

Santa said hold on...........Wheres my Cookies and milk.

2007-07-22 11:57:42 · 15 answers · asked by Home Dogg 3

3 guys were on a golf course and they noticed a guy sitting by himself. They asked him if he would like to join them to make it a foursome. So he agrees. He ends up shooting 1 over par and giving the rest of the guys a lot of great advice. They were so impressed, they ask him if he would like to join them the next week. He says, "Sure, OK, but I might be 20 minutes late.

The next week comes, and the guy is right on time. He shows up with left handed golf clubs and this time he shoots 2 under par. The guys are amazed again - they asked him if he would like to join them the next week for a tournament. He says, "Well, sure - but I might be 20 minutes late."

This goes on all month and the guy just gets better and better. But before every game, he always says, 'I might be 20 minutes late.' They ask him why the possibility of him being late. He says, "Well, when I wake up in the morning, if my di

2007-07-22 11:47:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

2007-07-22 11:22:41 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Has anyone every pulled your Dad's finger when he asked and then received a surprise?

2007-07-22 11:19:14 · 7 answers · asked by MensaMan 5

take to shingle your dogs house?

2007-07-22 11:10:44 · 6 answers · asked by boooffa 1

theres an amish family, father, mother, daughter and son and they go to the city for the very first time and they enter a huge department store. the four of them split up, mother with daughter and father with son. the father and the son pass by an elevator and watch curiously as an old, ugly lady gets in, they watch as the numbers above the lift flash up and come down again, they hear the "ping" sound and out walks a beautiful blonde woman, they look on in amazement and eventually the father says to son: "Boy, go and get your mother!!"

2007-07-22 09:53:13 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

My "Is your Avatar the best?" question got deleted. Sorry folks. :-P

2007-07-22 09:52:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is it that you never ask nor want from your parents that you cannot nor will not give back in return?

2007-07-22 09:39:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

2007-07-22 09:21:14 · 8 answers · asked by pd6491 2

there was this young guy, that use to make anybody or anything laugh or cry, and this old guy din't belive it,
so one day, the old guy, was walking on the street
and he foun the young guy,
and he said, is that true tha you make anybody or anything laugh or cry,
and the young guy said, yes I do,
then the old guy said, ok, I want you to go over there and make that dokey laugh,
the young guy said, ok,
so he went, and said said something and the donkey starts laughing non stop,
then he came back, and the old guy said mmm,,, I am impres, but now I want you to go and make him cry,
the young guy said ok,
so he went back to the donkey,
and again he said something to him that make him cry really bad.
and he came back to the old guy, and the old guy said,
how did you make him laugh,
the young guy said,
well, I told him, that my d*** was bigger than his,and he start laughing,
and the old said,
now, how did you make him cry,
and the young guy said, well I show it to him,,,,

2007-07-22 09:18:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Question) What's the difference between a washing machine and a woman?


Answer ) A washing machine does not follow you around for 2 weeks when you dump your load in it.


Stars are appreciated

2007-07-22 09:03:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

2007-07-22 08:55:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bed Time

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''

''No. You had your chance.''

A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?''

star is appreciated, lol

2007-07-22 08:28:17 · 14 answers · asked by hunnybuns 2

So,...the Police Forensics Teams wont be able to find out about who did the murders!!!!(All them cartoon characters is Criminals!)
Cant leave no fingerprints!

2007-07-22 08:23:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy."
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

2007-07-22 08:19:19 · 16 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Suspicious?
B'cuz SO FAR he doesnt even know youre even there!(&If he FINDS out,then Not only will you miss out on all those tasty meals that youve been gettin,...but the MEDICINE that he'll take will KILL ya!
He MIGHT get suspicious,if He's consuming DUMP-TRUCK LOADS of food,...but yet....
Not only is he Not gainin weight,....He's Gettin THINNER!!!!!
so,...What Would You Do To Keep Him From Gettin Suspicious?

2007-07-22 08:05:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three friends by the name NoOne, Nobody, and Stupid.Stupid went to the police and said,"Officer,Nobody fell in a hole and NoOne is helping him,"the officer responded "Excuse me sir are you Stupid?Yes nice to meet you.

2007-07-22 07:56:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day at a bar, the bartender put poison in 2 people's beers without them knowing. one guy drank his beer very fast, and the other one took time and drank his. The one who drank it fast did'nt die and the other one did. Why?

2007-07-22 07:45:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous