Can you add to my list of one liners?

Question

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

Answer 1

Contrary to popular belief God's last name is NOT damit.

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Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.

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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.


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A lot of church members who
are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.


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We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.


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Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

Answer 2

Better to understand a litle than to misunderstand a lot

You are unique, just like everyone else

Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Answer 3

Nope, I bought shares of both the Titanic and the Olympia.

Answer 4

I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member- Groucho Marx (paraphrased)

Answer 5

What did the fish say when it when it hit the cement wall? Damn

Answer 6

well i cant add to em but i got one hell of a laugh out of em!!! i like the UCLA one the best tho...ROFL

Answer 7

I can't add to those, but...THOSE ARE AWESOME!! A lot of those made me laugh very hard. Thank you!!

Answer 8

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

Answer 9

those were awesome, some made me crack up, thanx for the laughs!!