Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-07-22 07:45:04 · 11 answers · asked by hunnybuns 2

Ok

This blond walks into a donut store and asks for a job the manager says yes.

So the first customers walks in and asks how much donuts are

The blond says idk

The manager walks out and says if anyone asks how much donuts are say 50 Cents

So another customer walks in and asks how much donuts are
50 cents says the blond
the customer asks are they fresh and the blond says idk
so the manager walks out again and says if anyone asks if they are fresh say fresh fresh very fresh
so another customer walks in and asks how much donuts are the blond says 50 cents they ask if they are fresh the blond says fresh fresh very fresh they ask if they shud buy one and the blond says idk
the manager walks out again and says if anyone asks if they shud buy one say if u dont some1 else will
so a robber walks in
"give me all ur money"
"50cents"
"are u playin fresh wit me"
"fresh fresh very fresh"
"shud i shoot u"
"if u dont someone else will"

2007-07-22 07:19:48 · 7 answers · asked by Bball_playa 2

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked over, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and made love to a parrot and I was just wondering if you were my son."

2007-07-22 07:19:45 · 11 answers · asked by Cat burgler 5

a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
j. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6PM.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Coke and Ding Dongs.
w. “I just can't drink the way I used to” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.

2007-07-22 07:15:47 · 10 answers · asked by pd6491 2

The doorbell rang, and the housewife answered it. She found two beggars outside. "So, you're begging in twos now?!" she exclaimed.

" No, only for today," one of them replied. "I'm showing my replacement the ropes before going on holiday."

2007-07-22 06:38:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

the label on the tin said "stir well before serving"

2007-07-22 06:19:24 · 10 answers · asked by jenners 3

mika's broken down

have you got any jump leads?

WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!

2007-07-22 05:47:34 · 13 answers · asked by jenners 3

2007-07-22 05:03:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hav a spelling checker, It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite - Its rarely ever wrong.
I’ve scent this massage threw it, And I’m shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh; My checker tolled me sew.



.

2007-07-22 04:31:50 · 42 answers · asked by Ask_Elvis 5

Hint: Today's "Get Fuzzy" has a humorous answer without getting nasty.

2007-07-22 02:35:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-22 02:18:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple had a parlor in which they kept a couple of food bins.
One of those bins contained apples, and the other bin contained nuts.

They were having quite a bit of trouble wth mice, so one evening before going to bed they set a couple of mouse traps, one by the bin of apples and one by the bin of nuts.

During the night they heard a trap snap. The old gentleman got up to see which mouse trap had caught a mouse.

On returning to bed his wife asked, "Well did we catch him by the apples?"

The old gentleman replied, "Nope, try again."

2007-07-22 02:12:55 · 10 answers · asked by lou 7

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer requested.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

2007-07-22 01:35:40 · 17 answers · asked by "!" 5

But to get the million quid you have to do the following,.,.,.,.
A/ Invite all of your family to dinner at your house but dont turn up yourself.
B/ Tell your boss that he could stick his job where the sun dose'nt shine.
C/ Have an ellicit affair with a member of the same sex as you and let the world know.
D/ Eat one of the burgers that i posted in a question a few days ago.
E/ Pose naked for playboy.
F/ Empty the entire population of your local animal sanctuary into your house and garden for a whole month.
G/ Wear an A board advertising the fact that your having a MASSIVE party at your place the day after the animals move in
H/ Listen to the entire collection of Val Doonicans records on headphones without a break.

WOULD YOU.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.x.

2007-07-22 01:24:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

entered and sat down opposite her, eating a tray of king prawns. his manners were appalling. he was belching and swearing and he took great delight in flicking the shells on the floor and at the girl. finally he screwed up the polystyrene tray and threw it at her. while he roared with laughter, she calmly picked the prawnshells off the floor, threw them and the tray out the window and pressed the emergency stop.
you dumb b1tch' he yelled. thats gonna cost you $100.
yeah she replied, but when the cops smell your fingers its gonna cost you 15years

2007-07-22 00:38:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's
advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass,
he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Holy Water: The cure-all

2007-07-21 23:06:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were
skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or
velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

2007-07-21 22:07:38 · 5 answers · asked by Conan 3

2007-07-21 21:56:29 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oxymorons are two words
Which are opposites
That make up common phrases.



Here's a list of some funny ones:



Act naturally

Happily married

Microsoft Works

Holy war

Found missing

Resident alien

Minor Catastrophe

Affordable housing

Near miss

Great depression

Canadian army

Phone sex

United nations

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Death benefits

Airline Food

Women's rights

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Sensitive man

Government organization

Everything except

Civil War

Good kid

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt Head

Software documentation

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

"Now, then"

Synthetic natural gas

Christian Scientists

Passive aggressive

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct Life

New and improved

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

Freezer Burn

Honest Politician

Jumbo Shrimp

Loners Club

Postal Service

2007-07-21 21:19:54 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying
over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot,
but you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you
(they will think you are CRAZY......)
and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer,
lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6"
in the air with you right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!!
And there's nothing you can do about it!

2007-07-21 20:43:28 · 13 answers · asked by Conan 3

live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


ps
have you seen this its a redesigned mouse for woman http://www.cyprus-forum.com/cyprus12201.html

2007-07-21 20:02:44 · 11 answers · asked by Conan 3

The first is in the first of the first ,
The last is in the first of the last,
The second and third is in the first of ON and OFF.

Clue: it,s a four letter word if can,t solve then the riddle , then the word describes u ?

2007-07-21 19:01:04 · 15 answers · asked by jackson f 1

Ok

This blond walks into a donut store and asks for a job the manager says yes.

So the first customers walks in and asks how much donuts are

The blond says idk

The manager walks out and says if anyone asks how much donuts are say 50 Cents

So another customer walks in and asks how much donuts are
50 cents says the blond
the customer asks are they fresh and the blond says idk
so the manager walks out again and says if anyone asks if they are fresh say fresh fresh very fresh
so another customer walks in and asks how much donuts are the blond says 50 cents they ask if they are fresh the blond says fresh fresh very fresh they ask if they shud buy one and the blond says idk
the manager walks out again and says if anyone asks if they shud buy one say if u dont some1 else will
so a robber walks in
"give me all ur money"
"50cents"
"are playin fresh wit me"
"fresh fresh very fresh"
"shud i shoot u"
"if u dont someone else will"


ahah i love this joke

2007-07-21 17:20:01 · 5 answers · asked by Bball_playa 2

Didja hear about the 100 pound midget who had testicles that weighed 25 pounds each? The guy was half nuts!

2007-07-21 17:16:32 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call a person that is colour blind and tone deaf?

2007-07-21 17:08:27 · 10 answers · asked by Yippidyyappidy 2

Chacha Choudhary ka dimag computer se tez kaise chal jaata hai?


Jaldi se batao.


:o)

2007-07-21 17:00:25 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."

"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years–say, a Porsche?"

The engineer gapes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."

2007-07-21 16:44:40 · 9 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

A man is sitting at a bar gettng really wasted, after three hours of this he turns on the barstool to leave and falls off the barstool and onto the floor. He grabs the stool and picks himself up, lets go and falls to the floor! So he crawls to the front door grabs the handle, picks himself up, opens the door and takes one step outside and falls flat on his face! So he dcides that since he only lives 2 houses away he will crawl home.. He gets into the house and his wife is there and screams at him, you no good bum you been out drinking at Casey's pub again!! Oh no he says. Dont you lie to me Bob from the bar called and said you left your wheelchair there again!!!

2007-07-21 16:03:09 · 16 answers · asked by jenny 2

Can you say these tounge twisters?
Here's something fun:
1. Say:
One smart fellow he felt smart, two smart fellows they felt smart, three smart fellows they felt smart (and keep counting up as far as you can go.) Try not to look at the words or that is cheating!
Something funny will come if you say it too fast.

2. Unique New York
(say it ten times fast)
after about the second time, you can't pronounce it right!
Just thought these were fun! :-)

2007-07-21 15:59:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

...dark but emits a light, alone but in a pack, in another world but on Earth?

2007-07-21 15:48:49 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous