Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Body: Find the error. It's impossible!
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BBB
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FFF
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III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
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PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
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Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above?

2007-07-20 21:41:53 · 10 answers · asked by Barkindawg 2

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ***, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his *** then eat it?"
The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

2007-07-20 21:33:03 · 10 answers · asked by gub gub 2

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter...........
"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

Moral of the story:
It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

2007-07-20 21:30:24 · 20 answers · asked by vijay m Indian Lawyer 7

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?

"The wife says, "No I've got everything I need.

"Oh, really, he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

2007-07-20 21:16:05 · 21 answers · asked by Conan 3

and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, "Legal Consultation Service: $150."

2007-07-20 21:06:13 · 9 answers · asked by Conan 3

of Heaven when nature calls. He asks Jesus to take his place and tells Jesus what to do.

After a while, an old man approaches the gates and Jesus proceeds to ask him some questions, "What was your occupation?"

The old man answers, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus asks, "Did you have any children?"

"Well," answers the old man, "I had a son, but he left me a long time ago. He had holes in his hands and feet."

"Father?" asks Jesus surprised.

The old man asks, "Pinocchio?"

2007-07-20 21:04:59 · 17 answers · asked by Conan 3

I want my mullet back.
How about you?

Why does my avatar always sad?
I dont get it!

2007-07-20 21:04:26 · 5 answers · asked by starbucks_stolemyheart 2

a walk

2007-07-20 20:11:03 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok there are 5 guys and they all jump in the lake. but only 3 got their hair wet. why didnt the other 2?

2007-07-20 20:00:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

RIDDLE 1: u have to put an elepaht in a fridge how u do it?
RIDDLE 2:lion, the king of the jungle had a meeting and all animals came excpt 1. who and why?
RIDDLE 3:a man has to cross a crocodile river..how does he do it?
***if u wanna answer theses , answer all of em not only 1.

2007-07-20 19:51:29 · 11 answers · asked by Haider Ayub 2

2007-07-20 19:39:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm tired of guessing.

2007-07-20 19:35:35 · 7 answers · asked by Ladii S 1

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get cat gut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hairbrush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

I'll add the answers later if nobody gets all of them.

2007-07-20 19:25:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

And could not figure out witch word to pick?

2007-07-20 19:14:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

2007-07-20 19:06:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

2007-07-20 18:59:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While
leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"
if u like it do star it

2007-07-20 18:00:19 · 1 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

What do you serve that you can't eat?

2007-07-20 17:00:34 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

To all guys who use to say Why buy cow if there is milk for free.Here is an update for you. Now a days 80% of women are against marriage.Why? Because women realize that it is not worthy to buy an entire pig just to get a small sausage...

2007-07-20 16:01:00 · 5 answers · asked by hunnybuns 2

Pitch Black outside and you have on sunglasses
I don't get it...smile!

2007-07-20 15:59:07 · 30 answers · asked by soundlady 5

Last month the University of Lesotho announced the discovery of Female Hormones in beer.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones as hops contain Phytoestrogens and that by drinking enough beer men turn into women. They tested the theory thus:
100 men drank 10 pints of beer each, within a one hour period nad it was observed that 100% of the test subjects;
1)Argued over nothing
2)Refused to apologise when obviously wrong
3)Gained weight
4)Talked excessivelt without making sense
5)Became overly emotional
6)Couldn't drive
7)Failed to think rationally
and finally
8)Had to sit down to urinate
They considered that no further testing was considered necessary and they decided to issue this general warning that men should reconsider their intake of Beer

2007-07-20 15:54:38 · 38 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-07-20 15:54:24 · 8 answers · asked by ggmsixer 5

Our ice-cream man was found lying face down on tha floor of his van covered with hunderds and thousands!
Police say he topped himself!

BOOM BOOM

2007-07-20 15:43:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

is stuck in a traffic jam. Suddenly, someone comes to his car and knocks on the window.

The driver: "What's happening?"

"Well, some terrorists took G.W. Bush as a hostage, and ask for a 1 million dollar ransom or they will put some gasoline on him and set him on fire."

"Oh God!"

"So, we go from car to car to collect what people can give."

"And how much do people give in the average?"

"About 5 gallons..."

2007-07-20 15:28:53 · 6 answers · asked by Conan 3

Did you hear about the suicidal Blonde.?
Killed her twin sister by mistake.

2007-07-20 15:02:53 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Husband says:
"He's a big-headed feller. He says he's made
love to every woman in the street,except one!"

Wife says:
"I wonder who she is?"

2007-07-20 14:58:58 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

The new employee said " Why? Are you looking for a friend ? "

2007-07-20 14:40:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you like?

2007-07-20 14:40:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

you wave at her! srry for all the blonde jokes, they are just really funny.

2007-07-20 14:35:06 · 11 answers · asked by akira sohma 2

you put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

2007-07-20 14:32:50 · 4 answers · asked by akira sohma 2