Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.
"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."
The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse."
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.
"Second wish," said the Chief.
"I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy.
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back.
The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.
"This is your last wish," said the Chief, "make it a good one."
"I'll need my horse again."
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's.
"I said POSSE!"
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak4JgrNPwIc

link above is snoopy...

2007-07-20 09:23:57 · 10 answers · asked by "!" 5

Why are the Japanese so smart.?
No Blondes.

2007-07-20 09:20:47 · 31 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"
---
Lol xD Star if you liked it.

2007-07-20 09:17:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy was looking through an old family Bible as he turned a page a pressed fig leaf fell out and slid onto the floor, he picked it up and went to his mum and said "Mummy look what I found." His mother said "What have you got there.?" and the boy replied "I think it's Adams suit.!"

2007-07-20 09:12:42 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

there is a fan on the celing and a man is hanging dead from it.how did he get up there?

2007-07-20 09:01:24 · 20 answers · asked by αттια &hearts&hearts 3

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"



Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

2007-07-20 08:57:00 · 19 answers · asked by jaque strap 2

Fo' Drizzle!!! LOL

Funniest reply/joke gets 10!!

2007-07-20 08:55:42 · 6 answers · asked by ~~*Paradise Dreams*~~ 6

"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."

2007-07-20 08:54:10 · 18 answers · asked by MuffinMagic 1

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

2007-07-20 08:37:34 · 15 answers · asked by MuffinMagic 1

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

2007-07-20 08:24:17 · 13 answers · asked by "!" 5

Jesus & Moses were strolling by the Red Sea when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea & lifts up his staff. The angels began to sing the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale & the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms &, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy, I've still got it" & with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea & began to stride across.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water & began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him about Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness & parted the water once more & helped Jesus back to shore,

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder & said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it you didn't have holes in your feet."

2007-07-20 08:21:18 · 14 answers · asked by MuffinMagic 1

The building they are planning to jump from is twenty storeys high.
Each lawyer weighs exactly the same amount. One is wearing a brown suit. The other is wearing a blue pin-stripe suit, (both suits exactly the same design) The question is: Which of them will hit the ground first?

Give me a good answer, (I'll add the correct one later)

2007-07-20 07:58:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are treaveling alone when you come to a fork in the road. At the entrance of the 2 roads leading off are dragons. 1 dragon only tells the truth and 1 dragon only tells a lie. You don't know which one is the truthful one and which one is the liar. The dragons know where you are going but wont tell you the right path unless you ask. You can ask can ask a total of 1 question that they both will answer. (and you can't ask for more questions!!!!!!) What will you ask?

Remember...they know where you are going so don't put
that in your question!!!!!!!!!!!!

good luck!!!!!

2007-07-20 07:57:42 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

2007-07-20 07:56:49 · 29 answers · asked by pRiNcEss_c",) 4

"Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."

2007-07-20 07:54:07 · 23 answers · asked by Number 2 2

What does Snoop Dog use to clean his clothes?

Bleotch!

(not laughing, you do better. Keep it short)

2007-07-20 07:45:35 · 24 answers · asked by Ra-ra 2

A teacher asks her class, ?If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left??
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ?None, they all fly away with the first gun shot?

The teacher replies ?The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.?

Then Little Johnny says ?I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married??

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ?Well I suppose the one that?s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone?

To which Little Johnny replied, ?The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.?

2007-07-20 07:43:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,"the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats."

................star if you liked it

2007-07-20 07:38:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in
his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do -"Honey," I called,
"come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute, "She's having
babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
Most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together). "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny > foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does
to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you
think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent,
absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... eExcited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly hysterically even.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!
>

2007-07-20 07:33:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-20 07:23:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a Baptist Church in South Carolina that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

2007-07-20 07:19:43 · 20 answers · asked by pRiNcEss_c",) 4

A little indian boy oneday asked the chief of the tribe,how do ya'll name us when we are born.well the cheif said to the little boy when a child is born we walk out of the tent and the first thing that we see,that's what we name the child.Like setting sun or flowing stream or eagle flying.So the cheif looked at the little boy and said,why do you ask such a strange question,two dogs fuc*ing.

2007-07-20 07:16:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

this guy is being an ahole to me by calling me ugly and retarded
so i need some combacks the next time i see him.

2007-07-20 07:12:39 · 19 answers · asked by Mother Mary 2

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago .

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't Big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and Big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother Tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no Baby planes because Southwest always pulls out On time. Have your mother explain that to you.

2007-07-20 07:01:42 · 13 answers · asked by Nancy B 3

Omg please i need help.

2007-07-20 06:43:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

2007-07-20 06:16:39 · 17 answers · asked by PETER Boy 2

One day a blonde wanted to raise some money. So she went into a really wealthy neighborhood and went door to door for jobs. She went to this man's house and said well do you have a job for me? He said "you know what I do, can you paint the porch for me??" "sure" said the blonde he asked "How much do you charge?" "20 dollars" says the blonde. "Ok here you go" so she starts painting and 1 hour later she knocks on the door and says she's done "I painted it really fast so I gave it 2 coats." Impressed the man gives her 20 dollars. The blonde quickly adds " By the way thats not a porch, its a ferrari"

2007-07-20 05:06:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-20 04:37:19 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man turns around and looks at a picture and says...

"Brothers and sisters i have none, but that mans father is my fathers son"

who was he looking at???


it is actually much easier to guess when its written down!!! but u'll have a laugh saying it to ur friends...

2007-07-20 04:36:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the
last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and
depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My
Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Goldstein,
please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking
down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met
Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like
that. Please put your Private Part back
inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I
told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?"





"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

2007-07-20 04:28:40 · 6 answers · asked by ducccck 2