Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Railroad crossing watch out for cars, can you spell that without any R's?

2007-07-19 16:58:57 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?





think........





hmmmmmm??????








give up?














cuz it wanted to get to the "BOTTOM"
(this joke was made up by an 7 YEAR OLD!!)

2007-07-19 16:54:43 · 45 answers · asked by Ashiya 6

you know the ones where somebody passed out at a party and they stuck their hand in a bowl of warm water or something and they pee'd their pants ... I mean does that really happen or what? lol

2007-07-19 16:23:57 · 4 answers · asked by Ding Bat 5

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, I am okay. Your motorcycle is okay too, so please don't worry too much.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent, but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind hearted personality, you will find room in your heart to forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Picture of garage, pickup, and car:
http://www.geocities.com/seabulls69/PickedUpPickup.jpg

2007-07-19 15:23:52 · 15 answers · asked by Mr. Peachy® 7

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialities: "Homose*uals & Haemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it.
The doctor was eager to please so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds and Ends."

2007-07-19 14:15:35 · 20 answers · asked by . 3

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they argued, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night....
Even the neighbours feared him. They regularly heard him scream at his wife -
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared by all & he loved the respect that he got from this mystical reputation.

Then one day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow......

2007-07-19 14:01:03 · 38 answers · asked by Ask_Elvis 5

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"

She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.



Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

2007-07-19 14:00:45 · 21 answers · asked by Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄ƷPetoonia 4

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents and the cow dead, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.

She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for
your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After
discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this
request.Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
"Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?

2007-07-19 13:52:40 · 11 answers · asked by moneyman_0101 2

A blonde walks into a random hair salon and tells the hairdresser "Cut my hair anyway you like. I don't care."
The hairdresser replies, "No problem! You're going to love what I'll do."
Thirty minutes later, after the haircut, the blonde gets up to leave to pay for her haircut and the hairdresser tells her "Oh, and by the way, I'll download that song you told me about!"

2007-07-19 13:28:26 · 20 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

I have been all to serious on this forum and read some angry (fear based emotion) answers. So I thought to lighten up the banter. So What is the funniest joke you ever heard? Try to think of one soooo good that I will be close to passing out from trying to catch my breath. Which has only happened to me 3 times in my life and I am only 38.

2007-07-19 13:24:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little red riding hood is skipping through the woods. Up ahead she sees the Big bad wolf hiding behind a log,
. so she says my what a big nose you have. So the wolf jumps up and runs down the path. She sees him again hiding behind a bush. So little red riding hood says, My what big ears you have... So the big bad wolf jumps up and runs down the path again. At last shes getting along to the end of the path and she sees the big bad wolf hiding behind a rock. So little red riding hood says, My what big teeth you have.. So the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and says, Damn it red riding hood, leave me alone "I'm trying to take a poop!" LMAO

2007-07-19 13:11:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-19 13:01:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know........
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying
"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

2007-07-19 12:35:58 · 17 answers · asked by seekergrl413 2

*Bungee Jumping in Mexico *

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day.
Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our
own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico ."
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy
everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work.

When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be
a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank
notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't
able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.
This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This
time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken
bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened???
Was the cord too long????"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it
was the crowd!....What the HELL is a Piñata?!"

2007-07-19 12:09:02 · 14 answers · asked by I'm outta here 4

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2007-07-19 11:55:30 · 31 answers · asked by hottie 2

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........

It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a 6 pack of Stella.



............You have no idea how good I feel.

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

2007-07-19 11:53:05 · 2 answers · asked by des k 3

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

2007-07-19 11:51:40 · 13 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Youve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers

2007-07-19 11:40:24 · 4 answers · asked by cutest chick!!! 3

What's the difference between Elvis and a Smart Blonde.?
Elvis has been sighted.!

2007-07-19 11:00:47 · 32 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A baby panda goes into IKEA to get some furnature, the salesman asks "well, what's your place like now?"

The baby panda replies "It's a little bare."

2007-07-19 10:48:29 · 4 answers · asked by Joe 4

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

2007-07-19 10:48:14 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.

"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.

2007-07-19 10:06:42 · 6 answers · asked by britney487 3

You are stuck in a room with no windows or doors. a solid room. Only things that are in this room are a mirror and a table. how do you escape?

2007-07-19 09:43:04 · 23 answers · asked by ? 2

It's a colorful card that says "Congratulations!" on the top, and then opens up to say "You're an a**hole! Lets discuss the reasons why you're an a**hole" and then it opens up more and has a bunch of reasons listed that you can check off such as double parking, parking in more than one spot, etc....
Where can I find these cards? I want to buy some!

2007-07-19 09:24:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The other day I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that lots of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go, go!!! Jesus Christ, go!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ''sunny beach''... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing...why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed that the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

2007-07-19 09:11:48 · 9 answers · asked by cowboysbaby090804 1

After God created Adam he could see that he was lonely. God spoke to Adam and said, “I am going to create a companion for you and I will call her ‘woman.' She will be beside you and support you for all of your life together. She will care for you when you’re sick, comfort you when you’re sad, encourage you in all of your endeavors, raise your children, care for your home, prepare all of your meals and be completely, lovingly devoted to you.”

Adam said,” Wow, God. That sounds great! But what is something like that going to cost me?”

God replied, “It will cost you one arm, a leg, and your left testicle.”

Adam thought about that for a minute and then asked, “What can I get for just a rib?”

2007-07-19 08:52:18 · 10 answers · asked by Chewie 3

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

2007-07-19 08:48:59 · 12 answers · asked by britney487 3

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

2007-07-19 08:38:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Best Joke gets 10 points!

2007-07-19 08:30:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1- Overnight my acne dissapeared.
2- I magically earned $300 dollars in my bank account.
3- I got a fantastic hairstylist at who FINALLY gave me the perfect cut.
I'm feeling very happy right now.

2007-07-19 08:25:41 · 6 answers · asked by Chris 3