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Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

"Human beings
>are the only animals that stutter", she says.
>
>A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
>volunteered.
>
>The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked
>the girl to describe the incident.
>
>"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler
>who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped
>over the fence into our yard!
>
>"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
>
>"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
>Fffff'... and before kitty could say "F*ck off," the rottweiler ate
him!"

2007-07-18 23:28:37 · 17 answers · asked by legend 3

...Says, "A pint for me and a coke for Tiny please" The barman says, "Why do you call him Tiny?" - Man says, "'Cos he's my newt !"

2007-07-18 23:26:16 · 19 answers · asked by deebee731 2

3

7 dwarves went to meet the pope,go on dopey,ask him chanted the others ok said dopey "sir are there nuns in alaska?" yeas said the pope,go on dopey ask him,urged the others,ok said dopey "sir are there black nans in alaska?" yes said the pope, go on dopey ask him said the others. dopey blushed and said "are there midgit nuns in alaska?" "no i dont think so"answered the pope.all 6 leapt up shouting "DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN,DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!!!!"

2007-07-18 22:46:02 · 16 answers · asked by mals2008 3

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one
of her students.

The teacher asked, "Henry, what's your problem?"

Henry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Henry to the principal's
office.

While Henry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.
Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Henry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Henry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Henry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.

2007-07-18 22:17:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

*STAR IF YOU LIKE:-)

2007-07-18 22:13:52 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
She asked the shepherd, " If I can guess how many sheep there are here, Can I keep one?"
He replied, " Sure!"
Out of the blue, she blurts out, "350!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says, " Now, if I can guess what your hair colour really is, can I please have my dog back!"

*STAR IF YOU LIKE:-)

2007-07-18 22:06:59 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Preacher was finishing his service and said to his congregation " Next week I plan to give a sermon on the subject of lying and to help you to understand the subject I would like you all to read Mark 17" The following week he stood up in the pulpit and asked for a show of hands he said "How many of you read Mark 17.?" every hand shot up and he smiled as he said "Mark has only 16 chapters, I will now continue with my sermon on the subject of lying."

2007-07-18 21:34:55 · 27 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and
> saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his
> hand.
>
> She rolled her eyes and said, "There comes the a**hole with flowers in
> his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my
> legs in the air."
>
> Her friend promptly replied, "Don't you have a vase?"
>

2007-07-18 21:25:05 · 14 answers · asked by Gina B 4

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing £1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.

Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar. Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

2007-07-18 21:18:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

3

2 Women are sitting in a bar, a blonde and a brunette, and they are watching the TV, and there's a news story about a man on top of a building about to jump. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "I bet you 20 pounds He'll Jump." The blonde woman agrees to the bet. Sure enough, not long after, the man on the TV Jumps. The blonde woman hands over her 20 pounds and the brunette says, "Sorry, I can't take that, i seen it on the news before, and i knew he jumped" to which the blonde replies "Me too, but I didn't think he'd jump again!"

2007-07-18 21:12:21 · 13 answers · asked by Morritsey 2

i was thinking back to in the 5th grade when we had to come up with hard tongue twisters, and mine won.. and it is only two words..

"Warm Worm"

Can anyone excel at this one?? Post your experience! lol

2007-07-18 19:45:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anda 2

Dumb telephone calls, some people don’t deserve to use technology. Lol


Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
>>through to enquiries, can you help?".
>>Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
>>Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
>>Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Directory Enquiries
>>
>>Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
>>Cardiff please".
>>Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
>>correct?"
>>Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but
>>the 'B' fell off".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
>>Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
>>Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
>>Scotland
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Damn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-07-18 19:42:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-18 19:30:32 · 12 answers · asked by branjosh999 1

i know theyre old, but they are good

Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
Society.

What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?


Why are chavs like slinkey's?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.


Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
The policeman!

How do you get a hundred chavs in a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.


What do you say to a chav with a job?
Big Mac please!

What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A chav girl has a higher sperm count.

2007-07-18 19:21:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

6

A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had
been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their
spouse not too long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had
become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she
enjoyed fishing.

Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late
husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 a.m. the next
morning. They went down to the river at the time they
decided the next day, and began fishing.

After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They
came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up
or down." Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.

The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes
and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a
while, they redressed and resumed fishing.

Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river.
Again, the man asked, "Up or down," and once again the woman
stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.

2007-07-18 18:00:15 · 14 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

2007-07-18 17:47:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want offensive jokes with substance!!!!

Try not to make them book-length either...

2007-07-18 17:23:54 · 18 answers · asked by James V 3

The Irony of life...Funny but true...lol..A must read!?
MEN
1. All men are extremly busy.
2. Although they are very busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although thay have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really cheesed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes

and still try their luck with others.

WOMEN:
1. The most importany thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "Old Rags".
6. Although their clothes are always, just an old rag, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you

2007-07-18 17:01:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Forgetful Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director "you forgot the rose!"

2007-07-18 16:57:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please answer this quetion 13 19 20 variety of age.

2007-07-18 16:49:20 · 6 answers · asked by david P 1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Category: Point to be Noted

Fifty-Six fun things to do in Walmart


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

10. Play with the automatic doors.

11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this ****, anyway?"

13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

14. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

18. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

19. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

20. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

21. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

22. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

26. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

27. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

28. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

29. Take bets on the battle described above.

30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

31. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

32. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

33. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."

34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

35. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

36. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

37. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

38. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

39. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation i.e:
"How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions."

40. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

41. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

42. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

43. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

44. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

46. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

47. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

48. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

49. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

50. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

51.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

52.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

53.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

54. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

55. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

56. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!

2007-07-18 16:15:51 · 14 answers · asked by drew d 3

-.what is more powerfull than God.
- Is more evil than the devil
-. A poor man has it.
- A rich does not.
- and it you u eat it u die.

2007-07-18 15:54:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run
into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going
to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide
which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.

One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch
first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up
the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up
to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to
have to either lay you or Jack off."









Jill replied,

"Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a
headache........"



(sorry if you read this before but i think its worth sharing)

2007-07-18 15:43:56 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 3

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

Small problem -- her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.

The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.

No charges were filed.

2007-07-18 15:39:21 · 7 answers · asked by drew d 3

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he definitely was.






When he finished his drink, he found his horse stolen.






He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.






"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And you don't want me to do what I dun in Texas!"






Some of the locals shifted restlessly. They knew not to underestimate the word of a Texan, especially one who had a few too many beers.

The man finished off a few more beers and walked outside where his horse had been returned.






He saddled up, and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar, and saw the man stumbling to get on his horse.

"Say, partner," he said, "before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

2007-07-18 15:23:57 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what
happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I
Looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree,
so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don’t know how to
tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty
miles is your air freshener."

2007-07-18 15:12:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

2007-07-18 14:12:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy goes to Japan and is asked to golf a few rounds. Later in the bar he meets a Japanese girl who can't speak a word of English and they go to his room.
They end up in bed, with her on top. She's bouncing away yelling, "BANZI, BANZI..." He's didn't know what it meant, but he thought he was doing something right.
The next day, he's out golfing with his Japanese friend again, and his friend gets a hole in one. He thought to show his enthusiasm, he would yell out, "BANZI, BANZI...."
His friend yelled back, "What do you mean that's the wrong hole?"

2007-07-18 14:07:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 missionaries get captured by a tribe in New Guinea. They drag the first one to the feet of the king, and the king asks, "Death? Or Maubi?"
The missionary doesn't hesitate and says, I'll take Maubi!"
They tie the guy face down and 100 of the biggest soldiers 'have their way' with him. The other 2 start to worry even more.
They drag the second guy out, and the king again asks, "Death? Or Maubi?"
He doesn't want to die, and he yells out, "I'll take Maubi!"
They tie the guy down, only this time 1000 warriors 'have their way' with the guy.
Now they drag the 3rd guy out, and he see where this is going. He figures this time it will be 10000 warriors - The king asks, "Death? Or Maubi?"
The 3rd guy reluctantly says, "I'll take death."
So the king raises his staff over his head and passes judgement - He bellows out, "O.K. then - I sentence you - to death by Maubi!"

2007-07-18 14:06:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 doctors were golfing and bragging how great of a surgeon they were. The first one says, "You see that sleeping owl up there? I bet I can cut out his tonsils and not even wake him." So they bet, and sure enough, he does it. The other doctor, not to be out done, says, "Oh, not bad - but I'll bet I can cut off his testicles without him waking him up."
And sure enough, he does it - the bet ends up a draw.
A few days later the owl is flying around and his friend the squirrel says to him, "Hey, Mr. Owl, you haven't been looking very well lately."
The owl says, "I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but lately I haven't been able to hoot worth a fu

2007-07-18 14:05:18 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

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