Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

It's been years since I've heard it, so I don't remember much except a fish bowl in a room and an open window. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

2007-07-18 00:21:31 · 5 answers · asked by 🐭 cat™ 🐭 7

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one woman.
The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person
should let go because if they didn’t the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a real touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and that after all men were the superior sex and must be saved.
When she finished speaking, all the men clapped….
Never under estimate the power of a woman.

2007-07-18 00:09:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-18 00:08:03 · 4 answers · asked by shermynewstart 7

Hiya! If you think of a caption for this picture that makes me laugh you will win 10 points. Here's a scene from the film Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Good luck and here's the link!
http://www.aceshowbiz.com/images/still/goblet_of_fire18.jpg

2007-07-17 23:50:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello.Last week two men were arrested in Spalding Town Centre. The first man was arrested for stealing car batteries and the second man was arrested for stealing fireworks. This week at the Spalding Magistrates Court, the man who was arrested for the theft of car batteries was charged,whilst the man who was arrested for stealing fireworks was let off!

2007-07-17 22:54:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

... and gets into difficulty, starts to lose power and spirals towards the ground. The crew rather selfishly bale out with their parachutes straight away. That leaves only 2 parachues left. George grabs one and says " I am the leader of the western world, I lead the only super-power. Woman want me and men look up to me. I am just superb and great and fantastic and the world needs me" and jumps out. The pope turns to the little boys and says "You take the last parachute, I am the Pope and must do God's will and you have your whole life in front of you so you must live". The school boys says "Don't worry your Holiness. George took my school satchel. There are still 2 parachutes left".

2007-07-17 22:51:02 · 7 answers · asked by Teacher 4

Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button? Beacause her blonde boyfriend wasnt that smart either! Hope you got it! Tell me a blonde joke back! (sorry to those blondes out there, but some jokes ARE kinda funny) >.<

2007-07-17 22:45:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

....and you had a gun with only 2 bullets what would you do ?

2007-07-17 22:42:53 · 16 answers · asked by Teacher 4

She came home with a red snapper.

2007-07-17 22:36:14 · 10 answers · asked by Mr Tripod 4

I wake up, blinking hard against the sky, and the first thing I remember is that my wife cannot forgive me. Never, ever.

Then I remind myself I don’t have a wife anymore.

Instead, I’m lying at the bottom of a stairwell, thirty concrete steps below street level in a city far from my home. My home is in the past, and I must live in the present.

I’m lying on a soft pile of rubbish bags, and I seem to have got myself covered in muck. It’s all over my shabby green raincoat and the frayed sleeves of my jumper, and there’s a bit on my trousers as well. I sniff it, trying to decide what it is, but I can’t be sure.

2007-07-17 22:25:29 · 23 answers · asked by Covangel 1

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.

However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a
deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My
Winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once We are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your winky was the size of an infant!"

"Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long".

2007-07-17 22:16:00 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

2007-07-17 22:07:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

eating my carrots and humping next doors dog - Has anyone any ideas on how to calm it down. ?

2007-07-17 21:55:58 · 11 answers · asked by Tiger01204 5

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company.
He thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone
books from one of the "escort" services. He picked a number and dialed
it.

A woman answered, "Hello?"

"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my
hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I
want jungle sex . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type
sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it!
Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can
use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped
cream! Now how does that sound?" he asked.

The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must
press "9" first."

2007-07-17 20:56:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year
school children, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the children
the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by
colour and flavour. The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
" Orange ........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify
the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're ar#e-holes!!"

2007-07-17 20:53:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori, "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, "I am fine, and you?"
Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said "Who Are You?"
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humour, "Well, I am Hilary's husband, hahaha."

Mori replied confidently, "Me too, hahaha."
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room...

2007-07-17 20:36:24 · 8 answers · asked by minerhea 3

Man in a bar asked"If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a

con-do.m hanging out of your bum, would you tell anyone"
the guy beside him replied, " no way!"


"Want to come camping?

2007-07-17 20:23:44 · 1 answers · asked by Conan 3

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-*** love it."


Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

2007-07-17 20:15:47 · 12 answers · asked by vlf126 3

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

2007-07-17 19:36:53 · 16 answers · asked by pd6491 2

i havent seen him in a while

2007-07-17 18:28:29 · 6 answers · asked by rawr 3

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know,
we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. *




"From now on when I say BELL1 *

I want you to strip naked. *

When I say BELL2 *

I want you to jump in bed. *

And when I say BELL3 *

we are going to make love all night. *

" The next night he came home from work and yelled *

"BELL1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. *




When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. *

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. *

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" *

"What the hell is BELL4?" asked the husband? *




"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "* *
>YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE." *
>
>

2007-07-17 17:52:05 · 11 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to Greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and
All The other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her
and Began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting
for You! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
Place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the
Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm
Surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
Married the beautiful young nurse

2007-07-17 17:33:42 · 15 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled 'It really works!'
***********************************************************************
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
**********************************************************************

2007-07-17 16:12:00 · 7 answers · asked by **beep** 6

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this amazing jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He takes a look at the puzzle pieces for a moment and begins to laugh hysterically!
He says to her, "No matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these puzzle pieces. Put these Frosted Flakes back in the box!!"

2007-07-17 15:50:45 · 9 answers · asked by angelkay 3

Once upon a time 2 blondes went to a concert and the driver accidently left the keys in the car.

When they got out to the car the first blonde tried to open the lock with a coathanger.

While the second blonde was waiting, she said, "Hurry up it's starting to rain and the top is open."

2007-07-17 15:45:57 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her
fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing
on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

>___< LOL!

2007-07-17 15:36:09 · 27 answers · asked by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7

Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church,it was a hot day,the nuns were sweating and decided to paint in the nude. There was a knock at the door,the nuns were startled as they were naked, mother superior asks;
"who's there?"
"its tha blind man" came the reply
She opened the door and let him in.He stood and looked around and said;
"hey cracking t its sisters! where do you want these blinds?"

2007-07-17 15:33:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A truckload of monkeys broke down,a blonde pulled up offering help,the driver asked the blonde to take them to the zoo & gave her $50 for her trouble,as the truck would take a while to fix,he got the truck going but when he got to town he saw hundreds of people gathered around the blonde & monkeys outside a movie theatre,"what are you doing?" he asked,"well I took them to the zoo,I had some money left over so I thought I would take them to the movies too"

2007-07-17 15:21:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok there was this man and he was at his golf club
he was walking by a bench when he heard a cell phone ringing
he answered it. the man said:
"hello?"
"Hi honey" a woman answered
"what do you need?" the man said
"well, i just saw this diamond/gold necklace i really like, can i buy it?"
the woman asked.
"sure, anything you want." the man said
By this time the men in the golf club were starting to get interested in his conversation with the woman, the man saw this and put the phone on speaker...
the woman called again...
"hello?"
"hi honey its me again, i was driving by the toyota sales place and fell absolutely in LOVE with this toyota seqoia, i want it pearl white, can we buy it???"
"sure!"
the men in the golf club look amazed!
the woman called AGAIN...
"i really want a house in malibu, its a 3-story house. and i love it. can we buy it?"
"of course we can!!!!" the men stared and stared the man smiled and asked them, "does anyone know whose phone that is???"
the end!!!

2007-07-17 15:18:28 · 11 answers · asked by dolphins1817 2

One day a chicken got stuck in the mud. His best friend, a donkey, pulled him out with his tail. The next day the donkey got stuck in the mud but the chicken couldn't get him out so he went into the barn and got the Harley and pulled him out with it. The moral of the story is you dont need a Harley to pick up chicks but you do need one to haul ass.

2007-07-17 15:14:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous