Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

There were 2 brothers who were growing up on a farm, and would use the most foul language. Their mother told them the minister was coming to dinner, and she would appreciate them to watch their language while he was there.
At the dinner table, one brother says, "Hey, someone pass me the fu His father back-hands the kid right out of his chair - and the father looks at his brother and asks, "And, what do you want?"
The brother looks at him and says, "Well, I sure don't want any fu

2007-07-18 09:58:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where did all these Mexicans come from????

2007-07-18 09:55:49 · 12 answers · asked by JustHere4theBudLight 2

This guy goes to Japan and is asked to golf a few rounds. Later in the bar he meets a Japanese girl who can't speak a word of English and they go to his room.
They end up in bed, with her on top. She's bouncing away yelling, "BANZI, BANZI..." He's didn't know what it meant, but he thought he was doing something right.
The next day, he's out golfing with his Japanese friend again, and his friend gets a hole in one. He thought to show his enthusiasm, he would yell out, "BANZI, BANZI...."
His friend yelled back, "What do you mean that's the wrong hole?"

2007-07-18 09:33:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

our teenagers weren't happy when we put our house up for sale. it meant they had to keep their rooms clean for prospective buyers. after realtors stopped coming by, the kids got suspicious.

i've been cleaning my room for six months, complained our son. when is this house going to sell?

my husband laughed. oh, we meant to tell you we took it off the market three month ago!

2007-07-18 09:12:34 · 10 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

What row of numbers comes next in this series?


1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221

2007-07-18 08:40:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you get a fat girl into bed ??


A piece of cake

plus please give a star if you thought it was funny

2007-07-18 08:40:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

how many months have 28 days


And if you really want it you can make a picture of a bunny

2007-07-18 08:28:23 · 10 answers · asked by iluvchristianity 2

the thing is, they only ever seem to manage Monday to Friday, does anybody know If there are verses for Saturday & Sunday? and if so can you remember how they go?

2007-07-18 08:16:12 · 8 answers · asked by funnelweb 5

late one foggy night a yankees fan and a red sox fan collide head-on while driving across a bridge. fortunately, both are unhurt, the their cars are pretty banged up.

this is a sign says the yankees fan, that we should put away our diferences and live as friends instead of rivals.

you're right says the red sox fan. he pops open the trunk and takes out a bottle of bourbon. let's toast our newfound friendship.

the yankees fan takes a big swig and hands back the bottle. your turn.

nah, says the sox fan, tossing the bottle into the river. i think i'll just wait for the police to show up!

2007-07-18 08:11:21 · 14 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

a priest, a minister and a rabbi are playing poker when the police raid the game. "father," asks the officer, "were you gambling?" "of course not," says the priest after saying a silent prayer for forgiveness. "pastor, what about you?" after an appeal to heaven, he answers, "no, sir" turning to the rabbi, the officer asks, "rabbi, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies, "With whom?"

2007-07-18 08:04:16 · 14 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

A man came home early and found his wife in bed with another man.

"What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.

"See," says the wife to the man lying beside her, "Didn't I tell you he doesn't know anything about sex!"

2007-07-18 06:43:10 · 21 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A man was in his front yard mowing the grass when this attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.She opened it then slammed it shut and then stormed back to the house.A little later she came back walked straight to her mailbox opened it then slammed it shut and then stormed in the house agian .Then when the man was getting ready to egde the lawn she came out agian marched to the mailbox,opened it and then slammed it shut in anger .Puzzled by her actions the man asked her whats wrong she said there certainly is my stupid computer keeps saying you've got mail

2007-07-18 06:16:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Scott invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful his roommate, Stephanie, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Scott
and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two react, she started to wonder if there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Scott volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Scott saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle; You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Scott said,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did

2007-07-18 06:14:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? "
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

2007-07-18 06:08:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
Female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
And again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

2007-07-18 06:00:34 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

You picked me up, You take me to ur home, You put your hands around my waist, You tuk off my Top. Then you put your lips on me.........
Thank God I am a bottle of PEPSI !!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha ha haaaa...
How's that???

2007-07-18 05:47:04 · 12 answers · asked by fha_chafzeto 2

Shopping for a Spouse:
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

2007-07-18 05:42:54 · 16 answers · asked by Jenae, TV (tempter of the vile) 5

Two lovers plan to suicide ...
Boy jump fisrt, girl closed her eyes n return back saying
"LOVE IS BLIND."
Boy in the air on his parashute says "LOVE NEVER DIES."

2007-07-18 05:42:16 · 7 answers · asked by fha_chafzeto 2

Did you hear about this large?
powerfully-built guy who met a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

2007-07-18 05:36:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''

The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

2007-07-18 05:31:25 · 5 answers · asked by Marmite 3

Clarence gets a massive thorn in his finger and starts to cry uncontrollably. Johnny tries to console him and says that he will get a glass of cider for him to put his finger into.
"What, sob, good will that do...will it stop it hurting?" asked Clarence.
"I dunno," said Johnny .."but I've heard my sister say that every time SHE gets a big prick in her hand, she always puts it in cider."

2007-07-18 05:29:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the **** are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

2007-07-18 05:15:59 · 28 answers · asked by Marmite 3

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

2007-07-18 04:22:08 · 18 answers · asked by Marmite 3

okay the first person to say they are an aggie gets best answer!!

im bored. okay? but if your an aggie you get best answer! dont even try if your not an aggie

2007-07-18 03:59:32 · 2 answers · asked by Carolinee(: 2

For those of you who may be unaware, there are three stages of sex in a marriage.

Stage One - The "Every Room in the House" Stage: that is when you are so horny it doesn't matter what room you are in, you just do it right there. That lasts about a year if you're lucky.

Stage Two - The "Bedroom" Stage: any time you guys go for it, you either are in the bedroom or you go to the bedroom to have sex. That can last up to another year or two.

Stage Three - The "Hall" Stage: that is where you pass each other in the hall and say "**** you...."

2007-07-18 03:28:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-18 03:08:11 · 14 answers · asked by Big R 3

Man asked God: Why did you make women so beaultiful?
God: So you would find them attractive.
Man: But why did you make so many of them stupid?
God: So some of them might find you attractive

2007-07-18 03:07:59 · 12 answers · asked by Kayjay 3

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

2007-07-18 02:26:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

2007-07-18 02:17:04 · 14 answers · asked by Jim 7

2007-07-18 00:56:37 · 12 answers · asked by randyinmanitoba 1