Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

May I take your order?

2007-07-21 08:50:13 · 4 answers · asked by 2bit 7

It start with the letter D...first on right gets te ten points of course

2007-07-21 08:45:04 · 21 answers · asked by D N 3

whats your favorite letter of the alphabet

2007-07-21 08:44:11 · 29 answers · asked by D N 3

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE

2007-07-21 07:36:38 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

I have had some thing's that have happen to me that I wish I knew why there happening to me. When I got married there were voice's that were in both sides of my ear screaming run!! run!! the hole time that my boy friend was talking, when it was my turn the voice's stop. 181/2 years later we divorce was not a real good marriage. then a little over a year afther the divorce I was in a bad car wreck. I just new it was over for me. All of the sudden there was some one beside me in my car, now no one could get in my car on that side it was lock an at the time no one had even got there yet.not going in to what was toll to me but some of what I can remember has happen. Now 4 yr's & 4 month later my father dies I was with him I saw my granddad that has been die seen 1968 I saw him looking in a window it was like he was there for dad, it was not long then I saw my dad leave his body. Why is this happening to me? Please this is not a joke so please don't be mean. This did happen.

2007-07-21 05:51:17 · 8 answers · asked by Nikki 2

Knock Knock
Who's There
Noneya
Noneya Who
Noneya Buisness

2007-07-21 05:35:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

...she asked me if I'd seen her flip flops. I said, "Yes, loads of times so get dressed or you'll get arrested!!"

2007-07-21 05:32:58 · 10 answers · asked by deebee731 2

...after a while I flagged a passing motorist down. I asked him if he could help me out. He told me that he knew nothing about cars at all - he was a chiropodist. So I asked him if he could give me a toe!

2007-07-21 05:30:56 · 19 answers · asked by deebee731 2

....I came within an inch of being the best man !!!

2007-07-21 05:28:25 · 22 answers · asked by deebee731 2

Why did the chicken cross the road. To get to Chick-fil-A

2007-07-21 05:20:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-21 04:32:18 · 8 answers · asked by Nader Ali 4

2007-07-21 04:23:30 · 23 answers · asked by True_Brit 3

play golf in the winter.We have to wait until the spring" said the American. "Och, ye big softies,"replied the Scot. "Surely ye can play if ye put a will to it? We dinnae let the snow and cold fess us."The American looked doubtful. "Well, what do you do,paint your balls black"? he asked. "No replied the surprised Scot." We,ll just put on a thick pair of thermal trousers

2007-07-21 03:54:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The ad girl says"you can have another Woof for the same price" The dog says "that wouldn't make any sense"

2007-07-21 03:53:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

the landlord says we don't allow pets in here. he's not a pet,he's an entertainer, top musician. he can play any instrumemt. a little old man puts his hands in his jacket pocket, try this, it was a harmonica. within 10 seconds it was playing the national anthem brilliantly.the landlord goes in the back comes out with a trombone, the octopus looks and fiddles and within a minute he's playing the national anthem briliantly.then this scotsman throws a set of bagpipes and remarks i bet he can't play them. the octopus looks and fiddles juggles them around but not a sound. the scotsman says i told you so, to which the man says give him ten minutes he'll play them alright when he realizes he can't f*ck them.

star if you like.

2007-07-21 02:20:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. "Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?"
"Yes," the man insisted, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK."
"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"

2007-07-21 02:13:06 · 19 answers · asked by "!" 5

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

2007-07-21 02:11:43 · 20 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-07-21 02:07:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have 10 balls, 9 have the same weight and 1 it's slightly different weight (you don't know whether heavier or lighter)..
How do you find the odd one out using only three weighings with a balance?

2007-07-21 02:07:27 · 5 answers · asked by Mavio P 1

2007-07-21 01:34:20 · 14 answers · asked by farouk_alam 2

A blond, a brunette and a redhead escape from jail and
Decide to hide in a barn. As they hear the police closing in, they climb into
the loft and hide in three empty burlap feed bags. A young officer climbed into
the loft, shined his flashlight around, and decided to check the burlap bags. He
kicked the first bag containing the brunette, and she responded with a
convincing "woof". He kicked the second bag with the redhead inside, and she let
out a perfect cat’s meow. "Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer
Responded to his superior. Deciding to be sure, he kicked the last bag, the
one containing the blonde. She yelled out "Potatoes!!!"

2007-07-21 01:25:37 · 12 answers · asked by DILAILA!!! 2

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten
were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get
off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No
one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all
of the blondes started
Clapping.

2007-07-21 01:21:58 · 6 answers · asked by DILAILA!!! 2

If people ask "Is this funny?" It usually isn't, and if you ask me to star your question, I won't! I decide whose joke is star-worthy.

2007-07-21 01:09:26 · 6 answers · asked by shermynewstart 7

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a Little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elevated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner dates.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

2007-07-21 01:03:47 · 14 answers · asked by DILAILA!!! 2

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

2007-07-21 00:43:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

they say that when they see me they are happy but when they look at me they closed their eyes or try not to look at me directly what am I?

2007-07-20 23:52:40 · 11 answers · asked by @NGEL B@BY 7

they hate to leave me when they have to go to work?

2007-07-20 23:49:05 · 7 answers · asked by @NGEL B@BY 7

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes."
The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

2007-07-20 23:05:11 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 3

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ***. I was able to put them together, and now she's running for President."

2007-07-20 22:48:48 · 4 answers · asked by Brad 2

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides.

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

2007-07-20 21:59:45 · 4 answers · asked by Brad 2