Catholic jokes please?

Question

I need some catholic jokes please.

I was brought up in a catholic family, we can laugh at ourselves you know so lets not have any PC comments plse.

...and if you can relate it to a catholic vegan you can have a gazillion points

ta.

Answer 1

The girls were lined up in the convent school to discuss their futures. Mother superior asked each in turn what they expected to do after leaving. One said she was going to be a prostitute. Mother superior passed out on hearing this. After reviving her with (holy?) water, she asked the girl once more. On hearing her correctly this time, she said, 'Oh dear God, and I thought she said she was going to be a protestant'.

Answer 2

What was Jesus?

My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Jewish friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.

My Italian friend gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

My California friends had 3 arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish .
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But my lady friend had most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.









.

Answer 3

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their abuelo.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor"

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F***ing Mexican"

_______________________________________________

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Answer 4

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"

With love in Christ.

Answer 5

Hey Mike, I'm a confirmed Catholic vegan :)

"Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers"

Answer 6

A boy was confessing then the priest asked, "What are your sins?" the boy replied, "I stole a boat." the priest then commanded him, "Pray 1 Our Father and 1 Hail Mary." the boy thought a second then said, "Can you double it?" the priest was supprised and said, "Why?" then he replied, "Because there's still another one and I would just get it." the priest whispered to him, "Can I have it?" LOL

Answer 7

I liked it and i have one for you Pat and Mick are in the jungle next to a river. A crocodile swims by with a mans head sticking out its mouth. Pat says to Mick look at that flash **** with his Lacoste sleeping bag !

Answer 8

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an alter boy. (i know it an old joke, but I still like it)

Answer 9

Your actual question was the funniest one I can think of and just about sums it up.

Anybody seen 'the magdalene sisters?'

Answer 10

Standby for the Cardinal.....I'll dig up one 4 u.