Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

2007-07-06 15:06:06 · 41 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

A personal favorite......

How do you fix a broken chimpanzee?
With a monkey wrench!

What do you call someone who loves hot chocolate?
A cocoa nut!

2007-07-06 14:30:21 · 13 answers · asked by csucdartgirl 7

Amuse me

2007-07-06 14:23:46 · 9 answers · asked by Sara Dawson 2

An attractive youg beauty when into a Casino,she went to the crap table and said to the attendants"I'm betting $20,000 to
roll the dice"She says "I feel luckier being nude"she takes off her clothes,then says "Momma needs new clothes" she rolls them,She wins She jumps up and down,Picks up her cloths and gets handed the money.The attendants dumbfounded one says to the other" did you see what she rolled"?The other says "NO,I thought you did".

2007-07-06 14:21:00 · 8 answers · asked by thresher 7

your not forced to read our joke's.....And im not anti american check your facts... first, im cornish-american,and damn proud of it....AND I DO NOT go out to offend, i tell joke's about everything and anything.........so stuff that in your pipe hole...

2007-07-06 14:06:27 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

Dear God,

Yesterday was an awful day for me......
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane crash landed on my garage,
O. J. Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able
to make it through anything today!! But please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!

2007-07-06 13:55:11 · 26 answers · asked by pd6491 2

had a car crash into one of those new Skodas





FOOKING cake everywhere

2007-07-06 13:50:42 · 8 answers · asked by jimbo 3

A man is lying on the beach, sunbathing with just his cap over his manhood.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If You were any sort of a gentleman - You would lift your cap to a lady!"......
He replied "If You were any sort of a lady - the cap would lift itself!"

2007-07-06 13:30:19 · 39 answers · asked by grifnuts 2

The college professor had just finished explaining an extremely important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was a requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for it being late: a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" Of course, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor stared at the young man. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

2007-07-06 13:29:16 · 8 answers · asked by tigger 3

sees a car with the bonnet up and a man working on the engine,he says to the man,"What's up mate"? The man says,
" Oh,piston broke." The drunk says,"Yeah...so am I."

2007-07-06 12:23:17 · 28 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

it's a riddle 10 points 4 the best answer!

2007-07-06 10:34:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

you and two friends go to a hotel to stay in a room.. the room cost $30 so each one of you pay $10...so the total is $30...you guys pay the $30 to the hotel guy & make it to the room.. the hotel guy notices he charged you $5 more so he tells a employee to take the $5 to them..the employee desides to keep $2 for tip and gives the three guys there $3.....SO that means each one of you three only payed $9 for the room and 9 times 3 = is 27....meaning $27 (even if you caount the $2 the employee took its $29) what happend to the dollar???

2007-07-06 08:02:30 · 19 answers · asked by 4568 1

A. Anyone can roast beef.

2007-07-06 07:50:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man.
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man drunkenly replies, "I have a quid."

2007-07-06 07:16:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

no blond jokes!

2007-07-06 06:58:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.

She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

2007-07-06 06:46:31 · 12 answers · asked by Kitsters Mufasa 2

God and the devil where having a chat, and soon discovered that they where both over tired over stressed, and needed a vacation.

The devil suggested they to to heaven, "I could sure use the rest, and relaxation.

But God said "Nooooo lets go to Hell, I could sure use a bit of excitement."

"Naah It gets old real fast "said the Devil, "hey how about we go to earth he said?"


"Ohhh no!" Said God,
Last time I was there I got a girl pregnant and they have not stopped talking about it since!"

Hehehe ok, no offence it is just a joke!

2007-07-06 06:30:49 · 12 answers · asked by Delighted 3

NEW BRIDE

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She did, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you
forget it! I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right! And that's the way it's gonna be until your stinking attitude changes!"

2007-07-06 06:20:44 · 15 answers · asked by Star Dust 4

A young blonde woman was driving through the
Florida Everglades,
while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair
of genuine Alligator
shoes, in the worst way, but was very reluctant to
pay the high prices that
the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of
one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well,
then, maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes
for Free!"

the shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well,
little lady, why don't
you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to
catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving
home, he spotted the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky
water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge
9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.


With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot
the creature and
hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7
more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in
silent amazement as the
blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to
flip th e gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in
frustration.


"C$$P! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

2007-07-06 06:08:26 · 17 answers · asked by cute sexy little feet 3

They keep you dry when crossing a lake; But wet you crossing a bar....

What are they??

2007-07-06 05:54:32 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

STAIRS

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

2007-07-06 05:35:40 · 12 answers · asked by Star Dust 4

if so give it an star thx

A young couple on honeymoon

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

2007-07-06 05:23:04 · 11 answers · asked by Star Dust 4

to her mate, "The cemetary is just up the road, we can nip in there, have a pee behind some old gravestones and nobody will see us!" So they stagger in, find a couple of suitable headstones to duck down behind and relieve themselves. "I haven't got anythiing to wipe with" whispers one woman. "I'm gonna use my knickers and chuck 'em" says the other. "Not bloody likely!" says the first, "I'm wearing designer knickers at forty quid a pair, no way I'm chucking them!" In desperation, she hunts around and manages to find a fresh wreath, so she picks it up and uses that! Satisfied, the 2 women stumble off and continue home. The following morning, one woman's boyfriend calls the other woman's guy, "I think we'll have to keep an eye on our girls mate, mine came home last night without any knickers!" "You could be right", the other guy said, "when mine rolled over in bed I found a card wedged between her bum cheeks that read, "we'll never forget you...all the lads at the firestation!"

2007-07-06 04:37:31 · 20 answers · asked by Nics 2

Best Answer to the most creatively worded answer!

2007-07-06 04:32:40 · 14 answers · asked by Icewomanblockstheshot 6

One is the flea, floating down the river on his back with an erection, yelling for the man to open the drawbridge.
The other, is the fleas brother who, after sexually attacking a rhinoceros, whispers in her ear, "did l hurt you baby?"

And then there's the little boy who got up at midnight to go to the bathroom and passed his parents bedroom. noticing the door was open, he walked in and saw his mother performing fellatio on his father
the boy walked out of the bedroom scratching his head and muttering, "And they sent me to the doctor for sucking my thumb".

Why do women have orgasms?
it gives them another reason to moan

Why do women fake orgasms?
becausethey think men care

2007-07-06 04:30:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was waiting at the ATM for an old lady who was having trouble reading the screen. Eventually she turned and asked me if I would check her balance ...so I pushed her over.

2007-07-06 04:28:37 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

a dog was once wondering in a jungle and saw a pile of bones, it was so hungry it started to eat, it heard a noise and saw a leopard nearby, it knew the leopard would also spot it and would want to eat it so it started chewing rather noisily so that the it would hear him, it did hear and started approaching it to chew him up, the dog pretended it hadnt seen the leopard and said to itself, "what a juicy leopard, il give anything to catch another one". the leopard hearing this stoppped in its tracks out of fright and ran away, meanwhile, a monkey was in a tree and witnessed everything and went to look for the leopard to tell him in exchange for him never to eat him, the leopard got so angry that he had been fooled and set out to go and eat the dog, the dog had seen the monkey swinging in the trees and had guessed what was goin to happen so when from the corner of its eye saw them approaching, he again said, "now wheres that monkey, i thought i sent it to bring me a leopard 30 mins ago?"

2007-07-06 04:18:47 · 11 answers · asked by yaa a 2

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had
completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several
trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a
pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and
loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the
ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the
accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of
the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you
again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a
rapid descent down the side of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in
pain unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.

2007-07-06 04:18:38 · 10 answers · asked by bernman101 6

One spider says to the other, "Why is it that everytime the Green man lights up, you look at me, to tell you, that its alright to cross the road?"
The second spider waits untill theyre both across the road before replying"Well the red man who stands underneath him never moves his legs"

2007-07-06 04:18:05 · 20 answers · asked by Albinoballs 5

Funniest joke I've heard in about a decade.

2007-07-06 04:10:22 · 4 answers · asked by formerlysuspendedguy 4