Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

'ave you read that survey result in the Telegraph? or was it the Exress? actually thinking about it it was the Sun! no no that can't be right it Was the Telegraph. Anyway asiwassaying, how can that be accurate. i was so upset I called over the fence to Tom. "Tom" I sez. e was watering the garden? (just to settle the dust after this dry spell we've been 'aving!) I sez to 'im "lovely rhubarb Tom." "Rhubarb?" e sez "O yes my early rhubarb, it's nearly ready. My missus makes lovely rhubarbcrumble and rhubarb&gingerjam, not to mention her rhubarb & rhubarb rhubarb! "Tom 'ave you seen this survey?" I sez "they reckon us blokes talk as much as the Ladies, now that can't be right can it? I mean to say I can't stand idle gossip&senseless chatter, something should be done about these innaccurate surveys, who did they ask? the Ladies?" "More than likely" sez Tom absently, "Where were we?oh yes we were talking about rabbits, 'ave you seen what them pesky rabbits 'as bin doin' to me rhubarb?...

2007-07-06 04:10:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-07-06 04:07:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man passes this building and finds a blonde hanging from the third floor window by her wrists.He stops and asks her wat she's doing."I'm fed up of this world,I've decideed to kill myself! The man was touched and he told her that if she wanted to die it would be better to put the rope round her neck.She replies," I already tried that and I couldnt breathe!"

2007-07-06 04:06:35 · 8 answers · asked by tbaz4us 2

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list

2007-07-06 04:05:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He's skeptical, but says to himself, "Let's see what they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

2007-07-06 04:05:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

2007-07-06 04:03:51 · 6 answers · asked by Smokey. 6

are eating together one day during there lunch break. the mexican opens up his lunch box nd finds burritoes, he then says "if i get burritoes again i will jump off this building". the american opens his lunch box and finds hamburgers and fries, "if i get this sh*t again i will jump off this building". the redneck opens his lunch box and says " if i get cabbage and cheese again i will jump off this building." so all three of them agreed that if they get the same lunch tmrw they will all commit suicide =(

the nxt day all three of them jump off the building and die =( at the funeral the mexicans wife is weeping and cries out if i knew he didnt want any more burritoes for lunch i wouldnt have made him any! the americans wife goes if i knew he hated hamburgers and fries i wouldnt have made him any! then the rednecks wife goes hey dont look at me he made his own lunch!

2007-07-06 04:00:13 · 5 answers · asked by Daisy! 5

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "Come in, Come into my humble shop!"

So the couple walked in. "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in" the Jamaican said to them. "Dey make you wild at sex. "The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the "sex god" that he was.

"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" the husband asked the shopkeeper. Just try dem on, Mon," the Jamaican replied. After some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in, and tried the sandals on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants,

2007-07-06 03:48:31 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

...engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye I love you, too."
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment. He asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

2007-07-06 03:47:46 · 17 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

and right before his act,he broke a mirror.He started sobing.One of the performers found him and asked him why he was crying.Johny tells him,"I just broke a mirror and now I'm going to have seven years bad luck!".The man says,dont cry my friend,you wont ahve seven years bad luck," Johny looks up at him smiling with hope and says,"really?""Of course, my aunt broke a mirror and she didnt have seven years bad luck. She died the next day!"

2007-07-06 03:47:40 · 9 answers · asked by tbaz4us 2

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

2007-07-06 03:45:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

This littel kid's uncle comes to their home, noticing that he is laft all alone.
Where is mom, asks the uncle.
She is takng a bath.
Where is dad, he asks again.
He too, is taking a bath.
What are the two of the diong in there?, Asks the uncle
Dad is trying to make mon eat an icecream, because he says eat it, or it will melt like a piece of ice!

2007-07-06 03:28:36 · 3 answers · asked by Nader Ali 4

found his wife in bed with his very best freind.
"hey, what do you think youre doing"?
"see", the wife said to the man beside her, "l told you he was stupid."

l'm so tired, complained the pretty young actress to her freind. "Last night l didnt sleep until after three".
"No wonder your tired", her freind replied.
"Twice is usually all l need".

A young wh***e, after seeing to some 30 men in the course of the evening, died and was taken to the great olympia in the sky. there she met the god Thor, who immediately made a pass at her.
"You cannot reject me", he exclaimed, "l'm Thor".
"You're Thor", she mimicked after 30 guys in a row, "l'm the one who's sore".

2007-07-06 03:28:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

star if you like...

2007-07-06 03:16:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

2007-07-06 03:14:42 · 4 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and feeling was that the wedding night might kill him,because his bride was healthy,vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold,the next morning the bride came down the main staircase slowly,step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.The clerk looked really concerned,"Whatever happend to you,honey?you look like you've been wrestling an elephant!"

The bride groaned,hung onto the counter and managed to speak,!Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

2007-07-06 03:05:21 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-07-06 03:04:29 · 5 answers · asked by KJ 6

and the minister finished undressing in the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. he was suprised to see that his bride had already slipped between the bed sheets.
"my dear", he said, "l thought l'd find you on your knees".
she said, "well honey, l can do it that way too. but it gives me the hic-cups.

2007-07-06 03:00:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

crying and an old man who was passing came over to him.
What's the matter, little boy? he asked, "why are you crying?"
the little boy said, "lm crying because l cant do what the big boys do".
the old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

2007-07-06 02:50:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

and one was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida.
the second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd seen in Jamaica
the third nun, a little deaf, asked "father who"?

2007-07-06 02:44:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of 4 men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently laid his hands to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside . She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments. Then she asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"

2007-07-06 02:38:06 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

The owner of a sex shop has to go out for a meeting and leave his new assistant in charge.
"I'm sure you'll be OK," he says. "Everything's marked with a price and you already know where it's all kept."
"I'll be fine, boss," replies the lad.
The boss has been gone about ten minutes when a blonde walks in. "I want to buy a vibrator," she says, "but I want one that no-one else has got. Can you help?"
The lad looks at the shelf and picks up one of the deluxe range. "This is a good one," he says. "The top rotates and there's a special gearing mechanism that makes the head bounce up and down."
"No, my next door neighbour has that one," replies the blonde.
The lad looks around again and find's another expensive model. "This is unusual," he says. "It glows in the dark, but the colour of the glow depends on how dark it is."
"No, my sister has one of those," replies the blonde.
Dispirited, the lad puts the vibro back on the shelf. "I think we may not have what you're looking for

2007-07-06 02:32:00 · 16 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

skirt, and when she tried to board the fifth avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. she reached back and unzipped her zipper. it didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back and unzipped it again.
suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put her on the top step.
"how dare you" she demanded.
"well, lady, he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the second time, l thought we were good friends".

2007-07-06 02:24:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog $hit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right f***ing there beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherf**kin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed f**kin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog $hit.
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog $hit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog $hit by the garage.

2007-07-06 02:18:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a blue frog went up to a man then said, "Hi, I'm a talking frog. Now, if you want to be rich, you'll do exactly as I tell you."
The man was shocked, but agrees. The frog told him to bet $1,000 on horse number 15 in the horse races. The man does so, and he wins the 10 million jackpot!
"Let's go to Vegas" says the frog. The man agrees. After winning the huge jackpots in 10 different casinos, the tired man goes to his hotel room with the frog in his pocket.
"Kiss me" says the frog.
"HUH?!"
"I said, kiss me. I'm obviously a magical frog so kiss me."
The man does so, and then... POOF!!!
Lo and behold, the frog turned into a beautiful girl, 16 years of age, 'well endowed' and almost totally naked...!!!







"...And that, your Honor, was how she got into my hotel room last night..."

2007-07-06 02:12:09 · 11 answers · asked by Gamer_Nikko™ 4

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...
but she belonged to someone else...


One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
but the girl said, "NO."


Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."


She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend...
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up
the money very fast...
he won't even be able to get his pants down.


She agrees and accepts the proposal.


Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"


Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed

2007-07-06 01:52:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

2007-07-06 01:43:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a wife is frustrated by the state of her house. She goes to her husband and asks him to pix the pipes.

He looks at her and says, "Do I look like a plumber?".

The next day the wife goes to her husband again and asks him to fix the light in the diningroom.

Again her husband looks at her and says this time "Do I look like an electrician?"

The wife sighs and walks away.

Later she goes to her husband once more and asks him to fix the broken chair.

"Do I look like a carpenter?" Is her husbands only response.

The following day the husband comes home from work to see the light is fixed.. the chair and the plumbing!

He asks his wife how all this came to be. She replies "Oh a man came by, he said that he would fix everything for a price. I could either have sex with him or bake him a pie."

The husband smiles and asks, "What type of pie did you bake him?"

"DO I LOOK LIKE A BAKER?"

2007-07-06 01:38:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

2007-07-06 01:20:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an Aggie, Longhorn,and a Red Raider who were out hunting.The aggie brought back a big buck.

"How did you get that?"they all asked.

"I saw the tracks, followed the tracks. and 'boom' I shot a buck."

Then the longhorn brought back an stag,
"How did you get that?"they asked.

"I saw tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I shot a stag.

Then the Red Raider came back all beat up.
"What happend ?"they all asked.

"I saw tracks, I followed the tracks, and 'boom' I got hit by a train."

2007-07-06 01:20:10 · 7 answers · asked by "!" 5