Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”

Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.

“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.

“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”

“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”

The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”

“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.

“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your a**hole before prison…’”

2007-07-03 10:18:12 · 21 answers · asked by Chris 5

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.
" But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights,put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
" What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.



"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"

2007-07-03 10:13:54 · 29 answers · asked by ? 5

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. He thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the "escort" services. He picked a number and dialed it.

A woman answered, "Hello?"

"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want jungle sex . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it! Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?" he asked.

The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press "9" first."

2007-07-03 10:13:50 · 12 answers · asked by mixeeplikstick 2

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

2007-07-03 10:08:44 · 17 answers · asked by josey 3

The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day then another and another.

After a week the parrot said:

"OK, I give up. Where the f*ck is the boat?"

2007-07-03 10:07:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom!"

2007-07-03 10:05:43 · 18 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

This blond is walking down the street and sees a red head jumping up and down in the middle of the street shouting "24!24! 24! 24!".

The blond stops and watched for a few moments before asking, "May I join you?"

The red head shrugged and said "Sure.".

So they're both jumping up and down shouting "24", when a large truck starts down the street. At the last moment, the red head jumps out of the way, but the blond (being as dumb as she is) stays where she is, gets hit, and dies.

After the body was taken away, the red head walks out to the middle of the street, jumping up and down, shouting, "25! 25! 25!"

2007-07-03 10:05:30 · 16 answers · asked by Control 3

Three friends, Bob, Bill and Sam died and went to heaven, St. Peter said to them "Welcome to Heaven, we only have one rule here, whatever you do, don't step on the ducks" "Why not?" said Bob, "Because there will be consequences, just don't step on the ducks" Naturally Bob doesn't watch what he'd doing and immediately steps on a duck. Bam! he's handcuffed to the most ugly woman he's ever seen, for all eternity. Bill sees what happened and is so taken aback he accidently steps on a duck. BAM! Bill is handcuffed to an even uglier woman, also for all eternity. Sam sees what happened to his two friends and is very careful not to make the same mistake, several months later he's minding his own business when BAM! He finds himself handcuffed to the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. "What happened?" said Sam. The woman looked at him and said "Damned if I know, all I did was step on one ******* duck!"

2007-07-03 10:03:58 · 3 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

2007-07-03 09:59:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you do tell me what it is about? : There are 2 monkeys sitting in a bathtub. One says, "Scratch my back, Mack." The other one says, "Thats okay, Joe, I have a radio of my own."
Ok I do not get it! PLEASE HELP!!

2007-07-03 09:58:52 · 9 answers · asked by wakeupcall 3

2007-07-03 09:51:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information.Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid,but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

2007-07-03 09:49:19 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

2007-07-03 09:30:23 · 12 answers · asked by josey 3

Not a hard laughing joke.

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

2007-07-03 09:13:10 · 9 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

The invite says I have to bring my own dope?

so................... I'll pick you up at about 7.30 if that's ok


joke joke joke joke

2007-07-03 09:12:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?

MAN: He's at home.

CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.







The next day, the man returns.

MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is she?

MAN: She's at home!

CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.



The next day the man returns.

CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?

MAN: Put your hand inside.

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?

MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper .

2007-07-03 09:12:17 · 24 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

:Cherokee Jeep For Sale
L reg
Gas conversion
Slight overheating problem
One fanatical owner from new
Heated seats
Goes like a bomb
Call Rama yirdoordoon

2007-07-03 09:09:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

2007-07-03 08:34:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

C,eh,N,eh,D,eh Maybe you need to be a Canuck to understand this?

2007-07-03 08:28:11 · 15 answers · asked by K H 4

A pastor and a nun are out playing golf. The pastor sets the ball on the tee, swings, but misses.

"****, I missed!" he exclaims.

"Pastor, I would appreciate if you did not use such language," the nun said.

"Forgive me, sister, I will refrain from saying it again," the pastor promised.

They continue to play and the pastor misses every single hole. On the seventeenth hole the pastor is particularly miffed. Once again, he misses.

"****, I missed!"

"Pastor!"

"I apologize, I swear to God that I will not say it again."

They move on to the last hole and pastor yet again misses. He curses again and a bolt of lightning comes from the sky and kills the nun.

God hollered, "****, I missed!"

2007-07-03 08:27:56 · 5 answers · asked by Shane 2

2007-07-03 08:20:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer

2007-07-03 07:58:43 · 11 answers · asked by lou 7

Liverpool airport was closed for eight hours today due to a "suspicious vehicle".

A police spokesman said it drew attention, due to being taxed, insured and still having its radio fitted.

2007-07-03 07:35:14 · 14 answers · asked by ? 3

can you tell me some blonde jokes please?

2007-07-03 07:32:45 · 14 answers · asked by Conor 3

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

2007-07-03 07:15:42 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

englishman says " i named my son George after st georges day", the scotsman replied " me too! i named my son Andrew after st Andrews day! ", the irish man looked at them in amazement " schmall wuurld! the same ting happened to me & my boy, pancake! "

2007-07-03 06:44:39 · 8 answers · asked by a 2

You are calling the,The mential Health Institute!
Please chose one of the fullowing options.

If you are obsessive-compulsive,Press1 repeatedly.

If you have multiple-personalities,press2,3 and 4.

If you suffer from post-traumatic stress

disorder,Press 5 but do it v-e-r-y-s-l-o-w-l-y and carfully.

If your dyslexic,Press 6 Now press 9 now press 6 now press 9 now press 9.

If your delusional,Press 7.and your call will transferred to the Mothership.

If you have short term memory loss,Press 8.If you have short term memory loss press8.

If you have schizophrenia,Listen very carefully and a small voice will tell you the number to press.

If your co-dependant,ask someone to press the numbers for you.

If your depressed,don't bother to press any numbers.No one will be able to help you anyway.

If you are paranoid,don't worry,we know how you are,we know what you want,we know were you are, well reach you.

low selfesteem,please hang up were too busy to talk to u!

2007-07-03 06:27:03 · 17 answers · asked by "!" 5

I need to laugh, I will give the one that make me laugh 10pts and for longer laugh a bar of chocolate

2007-07-03 06:11:29 · 31 answers · asked by Destiny 4

2007-07-03 05:15:25 · 27 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

As soon as I come, I instantly flee.
People of action emphasize me.
You can live in me, but you'll have to be swift.
Perhaps that's why I'm also perceived as a gift.

2007-07-03 04:53:28 · 14 answers · asked by balderarrow 5