Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The *****!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

2007-07-02 04:30:49 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern."
- Craig Kilborn

In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
- Jay Leno

"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, wait, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
- David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."
- David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."
- Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."
- Craig Kilborn

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It."
- Jay Leno


"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . the one with only seven commandments."
-David Letterman

2007-07-02 04:25:54 · 2 answers · asked by plezurgui 6

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache

2007-07-02 03:59:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

2007-07-02 03:51:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sometimes we need to remember what the Rules of life REALLY are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages
of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you
was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her –
believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself,
“Will this matter one year from now?”
How about one month?
One week?
One day?

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!

2007-07-02 03:41:08 · 14 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

this man man walked into a pub with a octopus, he walks to the middle of the room and says "this octopus is amazing, he can play any intument in the world, i'll bet any one who disagrees $50." so this other man think it would be an easy $50 so he walks up to the octopus with his guitar, hands it to the octopus and the octopus plays it superbly, no one could have dont it better. he hands over his $50 and walks away defeted. Another man with a trumpet disides to give it a go, so he hands his trumpet to the octopus and to his amazment to octopus plays it like a pro. A scotsman is sitting in the corner with his bagpipes, he disides that his bagpipes with be the downfall of the octopus. So he gets up, hands his bagpipes over and the octopus looks at them for a while, moving them this way and that. the scotsman says in triumpf " ha he cant play them hand over the $50" the octopus then replies " play it!? i was gunna sleep with it as soon as i found out how to get those pajama off!

2007-07-02 03:18:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

2007-07-02 03:16:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow bought a new sports car and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The road was clear and he decided to open her up.




As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.


"There's no way they can catch this car!!," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....




Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.


The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."



"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

2007-07-02 03:13:00 · 24 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah
when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving
north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

2007-07-02 03:02:13 · 14 answers · asked by Cherie 6

NO WHAT I MEAN.....RIGHT....i AIN'T EVEN BOVVERED... RIGHT....

O.K come on own up. Who said it.?

2007-07-02 02:28:23 · 10 answers · asked by David 4

A man was shot dead while in his car.
there were no powder marks,on his clothing,which indicated
that the gunman was outside the car.
However,all the windows, were up and the doors locked.
After a close inspection was made,the only bullet-holes discovered were on the mans body.
How was he murdered?

=)good luck

2007-07-02 01:41:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two boiled eggs sitting in a pan.
One female and one male.
The female says oooh look I've got a crack!
The male says can you wait a couple of minutes I'm not hard yet :o)

2007-07-02 01:20:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do it quite quickly though..
1: What is your name......?
2: What do you do at a green light....?
3: what do cows drink.....?

For some strange reason, most people answer number 3 with 'milk', instead of 'water'.....

truely fascinating, dont you think? (it's true, try it)

2007-07-02 01:16:33 · 6 answers · asked by mark c 2

with his head in his hands and looking despaired.
He asked what the matter was.
"Well" says his mate "You know that gorgeous women from over the way?"
"Yeah"
"Well, I asked her out on date and she said "yes" the only problem is that every time I see her, I get an erection"
"Well that's not so bad, what did you do?"
"I decided to duct-tape my knob to my leg."
"So, how did the date go?"
"Didn't happen, when I called for her she answered the door wearing a really sexy black dress, breasts almost popping out and lovely long legs."
"What happened?"
"I kicked her in the face."

2007-07-02 01:10:13 · 57 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-02 01:06:50 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

what would use to hit me back if i hire an elephant to crash you and turn you into powder for stealing 5p from my wallete...

sorry, stupid question... suggested by a stupid friend &)

2007-07-02 01:04:26 · 12 answers · asked by KarlosCharlos 2

accept that some days you are the pigon and some days the statue.

Always keep words soft and sweet encase you have to eat them.

Always read stuff tha makes you loo good incase you die in the middle of it

never buy a ca you can tpush

the second mouse gets the cheese

Some mistakes are too much fun to makeonle once.

A truly happy personis one who can enjoy the detour.

2007-07-02 00:52:57 · 8 answers · asked by addicted to this 4

It's not nothing, it's not fluff and it's not money. Nor is it anything conceptual- it is an abstract object.

2007-07-02 00:49:19 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

An American tourist travelling in county Clare came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up,for a mere 200 EURO'S($350),
the skul of Brian Boru*.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity,signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare,who owned the antique shop,if he had any more bargins.

'I've got the very thing for you,'said the shopkeeper,'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.'

'You cheat,exploded the American,'You sold me that fifteen years ago,'and producing the skull loudly,'look, they're not even the same size.'

'You have got it wrong,'opined the seller,"this is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.'

*Brian Boru(940 to 1014)managed the rare feat of uniting ireland.In a turning point in the war with the vikings,Brian Boru defeated the the viking leader in single combat.
brian also had 4 wives,and founded the O'Brian clan.

2007-07-02 00:35:39 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-07-02 00:35:34 · 17 answers · asked by Bobby L 3

2007-07-02 00:21:08 · 41 answers · asked by lovebollox 1

2007-07-02 00:12:12 · 33 answers · asked by Effie 2

Soon after O'shaugnessy clocked in for work,the forman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'shaugnessy returned,he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low.His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.'To be shure it was,Boss,'he replied,'I just found out my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh,that's awful,'replied the foreman,'Do you want the rest of the day off?'No,'replied O'shaugnessy.'Ill finish the day out.'

About an hour later,the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office.This time O'shaugnessy returned twice as glum, and the foreman asked if every thing was alright.

'Bejeezuz boss,it's even worse news. That was my brother,and his mother died today too!'

2007-07-01 23:49:41 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

Solve these if u can: - the best one getz 12 points and others 2 points
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. U are driving in your car on a very stormy and rainy night. U see 3 people standing in a bus stop…
a. An ailing old lady who will die any moment if not rushed to hospital immediately.
b. A very good trustworthy friend of yours to whom u owe for helping you in times of need.
c. Your dream lover waiting for you.

U can only invite only one person in your car…
Whom will you choose and why?

-----------------------------------------------

2007-07-01 23:45:19 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 Until I am measured, I am not known. Yet how you miss me, When I have flown.

2 How would you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

3 Two very popular and common objects have the same function, but one has thousands of moving parts, while the other has absolutely no moving parts. What are they?

4 My posterior is adorned with feathers. I have a rather long neck and quite a pointy nose. I am able to fly, yet I have no wings.
What am I?

5 What object has keys that open no locks, space but no room, and you can enter but not go in?

2007-07-01 23:19:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"
The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep schitt."

2007-07-01 22:53:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

On christmas morning a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, next to him was a kid on a shiny new bike.
Cop says to the kid, "Nice bike u got there..did Santa bring that to u?"
The kid says "Yeah"
The cop said, "Well next year tell santa to put a tailgate on that bike"..the cop then issues the kid with a $20 traffic safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off said, "By the way, that's a nice horse u got there, did santa bring that to u?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said "Yeah, he sure did"
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top"

2007-07-01 22:19:49 · 6 answers · asked by mark c 2

2007-07-01 22:12:21 · 2 answers · asked by joe reach 1

lol yeah i know it's easy but i'm bored

2007-07-01 21:36:00 · 11 answers · asked by jamel_saves 3

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results..."

"My, that's a l ot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my gosh!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer re plied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

2007-07-01 20:21:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous