English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

2007-07-03 04:43:49 · 6 answers · asked by Ms. Smith 3

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

2007-07-03 04:18:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was
preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a
stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee
in my lap and I was running late.

"Great, just great", I moaned.

The driver opened his door, leaned out of his car and stared at me. He
was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, "I am not happy."

To which I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

2007-07-03 04:06:22 · 10 answers · asked by Ms. Smith 3

Before any of them can pick it up , a genie pops out . The genie says he can grant 3 wishes , one for each of them .
The Canadian says " My father was a farmer , I'm a farmer , and my son shall be a farmer .... I wish for Canada to be forever fertile farming land " . Poof !! And it was done !!
Osama was amazed , so he said " I want an impenetrable wall to be built around Afghanistan , Iran , and Iraq . One that would hold all believers of Radical Islam inside , and all Jews , Americans and othe infidels outside "... .Poof !! and much to his suprise , it was done !!
The American engineer says " I'm curious about this wall , tell me more about it " . So the genie says " The wall is 5000 ft high, 500 ft thick , and totally impenetrable . Now what is your wish "?

The engineer smiles broadly and says. . . " Fill it with water " !!!
SMILE !!

(credit should be noted for the user 'nana4thekids' as she is the one who forwarded it to me)

2007-07-03 02:49:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

" BALLS "

2007-07-03 02:11:23 · 32 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

A married couple receive a bank statement with a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the gas bill, so they agree to save money. That evening, they are watching TV when the man gets up and tells his wife that he's off down the pub. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go to the pub and leave her at home when they need to economise. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised and amazed, the wife asks, "Why, are we going out together?" "No," he says. "I'm turning the heating off."

2007-07-03 02:09:17 · 7 answers · asked by nickv2304 4

I went to a Zoo on Sunday

They only had 1 dog on display

It was a Shitzu

2007-07-03 01:57:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A patient was having a problem that he's hearing voices so he went to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said "Welcome to McDonalds!" the patient replied, " I thought you were a psychiatrist?" "Oh yeah, so what's the problem?" the man explained it; "I'm hearing voices, can you help me? Doc? Are you listening? DOC!" the psychiatrist asked" Would you like fries with that?" Then the man ran out wildly and accidentaly went to the 'mental problems' section and was locked up in a ward and found the psychiatrist there, too. Afraid, he jumped off the top floor in his underwear and it ripped he fell and died, nude. Poor guy!

2007-07-03 01:46:40 · 4 answers · asked by jamie_gundaya 3

"You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one that made him.

So the zebra asked God, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"

God answered, "You are what you are."

The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him,

"Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes..."

"What was the answer," St. Peter asked.

"Well I still don't know. All He said was: 'You are what you are.'

"Well that answers it," Said St. Peter. "You're a white horse with black stripes."

"How do you know that?" asked the zebra.

"Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: "You is what you is".

2007-07-03 01:46:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if its like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

2007-07-03 01:43:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

....."No," replied the psychic, "Next term in her biology class."

2007-07-03 01:36:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pumps greets him in a typically Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top o the mornin' to yer, Sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. as he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, Son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replied Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of everything!"

2007-07-03 01:24:46 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice ****," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

2007-07-03 01:21:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

IRISH ENGINEERS and a BLONDE

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asks what they are doing.

Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't
have a ladder."

The blonde took a spanner from her handbag, loosened a few bolts and
laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took
a measurement from the base to the top whilst it was on the ground

and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches.

She then walked off.

Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde?



We need the height and she gives
us the length."

2007-07-03 01:14:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

clues for the last name the first three letters is a place you go to to drink alcohol

second three letters is a place you go to to drink alcohol

the third three letters are the the same as the last three letters of a library worker

the only clue for the middle name is it has only three letters

2007-07-03 00:50:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was difficult considering you didn't actuallly give me any food. Luckily, since there is infinity, I never actually died.

If there is a hotel with infinite rooms and infinite people arrive, is the hotel full?

2007-07-03 00:48:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and smooth him while you carry him to the bathroom.


In one smoothy movement,put the cat in the toilet and close both lids(you may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape).


CAUTION!!!!!!!


Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge,as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.


Flush the toilet three or four times.


Have someone open the door to the out side make sure no one is in the way between the toilet and out side door.


Stand behind the toilet as far as you can,and quickly lift both lids.The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet,and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG......

2007-07-03 00:45:08 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost £499 or £599 depending on size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

2007-07-03 00:04:49 · 12 answers · asked by Christopher P 2

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

2007-07-03 00:01:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thing in the mommy’s thing. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

...................................

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

2007-07-02 23:37:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. He thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the "escort" services. He picked a number and dialed it.

A woman answered, "Hello?"

"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want jungle sex . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it! Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?" he asked.

The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press "9" first."

2007-07-02 23:11:44 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family is sitting around the supper table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter.
So the daughter said " Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!

2007-07-02 22:33:14 · 16 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Sarah asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You’re lying on the dining room skylight."

2007-07-02 22:08:54 · 20 answers · asked by Dolly 5

So your driving a bus.
50 people get on and 8 get off...
3087 get on and 8234 get off...
733 get on and 409 get off...
6 get on and only 2 get off..
What color is the bus drivers eyes???

((you should see the answers my friends gave me))

2007-07-02 20:57:35 · 19 answers · asked by Saby 2

I mean, is it really necessary to have a random dude host a really boring and random webcast?

2007-07-02 19:56:50 · 1 answers · asked by junsumoney 3

The Italian says,
"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies,
"zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says,
"That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains.
She hits the freakin' ceiling!

2007-07-02 19:07:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you think so put a star. But I kinda think aren't anyway.

2007-07-02 19:01:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just curious..has anyone ever peed in a house that was under construction or abandoned? Or even just a regular building being refurbished or built?

2007-07-02 18:56:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. How may I help you?’ the doctor asks. Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me. And then what do you do? the shrink asks. I push them away, the man says. Then what do you want me to do? the shrink asks. Break my arms!

2007-07-02 18:51:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

fedest.com, questions and answers