Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?


Shut up and eat your meat loaf.


Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?


Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.


Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.


Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.


Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?


Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.


Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?


Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?


Shut up and get back in the oven.



mmy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?


Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?


Shut up and get back in the oven!

2007-07-30 12:18:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

...She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he replied: "Oh i use a hole in a tree."
Horrified' she said: "Tarzan you've got it all wrong, but i will show you how to do it properly."
She took her clothes off and lay down spread her legs and said: "In here in here thats where you put it!"
Tarzan removed his loincloth and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony, eventually managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bee's" Said Tarzan.

2007-07-30 12:11:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing

2007-07-30 12:07:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Godzilla, King Kong, and a smart blonde are all on the Empire State Building. Who jumps first?????


















None.


Because none of them exist!

2007-07-30 12:05:41 · 9 answers · asked by william c 2

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings.

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 .

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment.

2007-07-30 12:03:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

2007-07-30 12:00:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court,
and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond
and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.


He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. He said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."


Old men can still think fast.

2007-07-30 11:59:43 · 6 answers · asked by Nikki M 2

She said she would like an animal skin coat.
So I bought her a donkey jacket !!!!!!!

2007-07-30 11:57:13 · 15 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

2007-07-30 11:54:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Moms have Mother’s Day and dads have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

2007-07-30 11:26:41 · 7 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

. So, the judge wanted to talk to Baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked Baby bear about living with his father, Baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied Baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered Baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Definitely," said Baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

2007-07-30 11:25:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

....and as we are enduring a s hitty summertime, we could all do with some calm.
By following the simple advice i read in an article, i have finnally found inner peace.
The artice read:The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started"
So with that i looked around the house to see all the things i have started, but not finished.................and before leaving the house this morning i finished off:
A bottle of red wine, bottle of white wine, the Baileys, Kahula, the Tequilla, the prozac,some vallium, some cheesecake, and a box of chocolates! :O)))
You have no idea how good i friggin feel!!!!!!!


You may want to pass this on to your friends that you feel are in need of inner peace.

2007-07-30 11:23:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anyone got any memorable loo wall quotes that they have read in the past

2007-07-30 11:04:06 · 12 answers · asked by wantila 4

If your abusive ex was suddenly three inches tall and running across your bedroom floor, as you were sitting on your bed! What would you do and say?

2007-07-30 10:57:43 · 4 answers · asked by Isabella 1

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

2007-07-30 10:48:38 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.

"Name?"

"Brendan O'Connor."

"Same as mine. Where are you from?"

"County Cork."

"Same as me......"

The policeman paused with his pen in the air.

"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

2007-07-30 10:47:19 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

2007-07-30 10:46:04 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

I need clean fun practical jokes that wont make a mess. I want to pull them on my bro.

Send in as qiuckly as you can!!!!

2007-07-30 10:44:31 · 7 answers · asked by Chelsea D 2

One day Johnny was at church and ask the priest may I go to the bathroom, the priest said.
"Yes you may."
Johnny left and headed for the woods. He found a big tree and crouched down to take a dump. Meanwhile, the priest went looking for him in the woods.
Johnny heard the priest coming, wiped his butt with a leaf and pulled his pants up. Johnny then took his hat off and put it on top of the poop.
The priest saw him and said, "What do you got underneath there?"
Johnny hesitated and said, " The fastest bird in the world."
The priest said, "Oh yeah, let`s see."
"Ok" Johnny said, "On the count of 3, when I take the hat off, I want you to grab the bird."
"1 - 2 - 3." Johnny pulled the hat away and the priest grabbed the poop.
"WOW, that bird is so fast it left the poop behind" said Johnny.

2007-07-30 10:29:46 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-30 10:29:25 · 23 answers · asked by confused000100010001000100000011 2

A train enters a tunnel at 7 o'clock. Another train enters the exact same tunnel at the other end, also at 7 o'clock on the same day. The tunnel has only one track, no passing places and no other means for the trains to pass, around, under or over. However, both trains made it safely through the tunnel. How?

2007-07-30 10:24:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you name ten body parts of three letters each?

2007-07-30 10:18:33 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is your best joke if it is truley the best then you get 10 points!

2007-07-30 10:13:26 · 4 answers · asked by lex8oya 3

A man was walking in the woods and came to a cottage where the walls were covered with clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all the clocks were for. She replied that everyone in the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second. He saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told that it was Mother Terisia's. He then asked where George Bush's clock was. The woman replied "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

give a star if u think it is funny

2007-07-30 10:11:03 · 12 answers · asked by jazz102004 2

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my car!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice your left arm had been ripped off!"
"Oh my gosh...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, he cried out: "Where's my Rolex watch?"

2007-07-30 10:06:59 · 11 answers · asked by cutest chick!!! 3

What's the difference between a lawyer who has been run over & a skunk who has been run over?





There are skid-marks in front of the skunk.




Cheers

2007-07-30 09:53:16 · 10 answers · asked by Henry & Carryn A 3

2007-07-30 09:46:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ANDREA & HORTENCIA

What is my daughters name?

2007-07-30 09:41:42 · 29 answers · asked by jrodr2001 3

2007-07-30 09:38:25 · 11 answers · asked by Danuta F 3

What should I do?

2007-07-30 09:37:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous