Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head, raps on the table and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

2007-07-30 16:47:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother

2007-07-30 16:44:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I'll ask a question. If you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and vice-versa."

Again, she politely declines, and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, figuring that since she is a blonde he will easily win the match, still persists. To entice her to play, he ups the ante and says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you ask me, I'll pay you $500!"

The blonde, thinking that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her, truly puzzled. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his
modem, and searches the internet and the Library of Congress. Talked to all his co-workers and friends he knows, all to no avail.

After over an hour of futility and frustration, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500, then turns away to
go back to sleep.

The lawyer, more than a little irritated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

2007-07-30 16:42:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

LARRY GETS HOME LATE ONE NIGHT AND, LINDA, HIS WIFE SAYS, "WHERE IN THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?"

LARRY REPLIES, "I WAS OUT GETTING A TATTOO."

"A TATTOO?" SHE FROWNED. "WHAT KIND OF TATTOO DID YOU GET?"

"I GOT A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL ON MY PRIVATES," HE SAID PROUDLY.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" SHE SAID, SHAKING HER HEAD IN DISGUST. "WHY ON EARTH WOULD AN ACCOUNTANT GET A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL TATTOOED ON HIS PRIVATES?"

"WELL, ONE, I LIKE TO WATCH MY MONEY GROW. TWO, ONCE IN A WHILE I LIKE TO PLAY WITH MY MONEY. THREE, I LIKE HOW MONEY FEELS IN MY HAND. AND, LASTLY, INSTEAD OF YOU GOING OUT SHOPPING, YOU CAN STAY RIGHT HERE AT HOME AND BLOW A HUNDRED BUCKS ANYTIME YOU WANT."

LARRY IS RECOVERING IN ROOM 233 AT THE LOCAL HOSPITAL

2007-07-30 16:37:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I never was, am always to be,
None ever saw me, nor ever will,
And yet I am the confidence of all
Who live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.

2007-07-30 16:00:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-30 15:53:08 · 9 answers · asked by Cheyenne S 1

what would they be?

2007-07-30 15:45:04 · 22 answers · asked by Cathy 2

2007-07-30 15:42:31 · 10 answers · asked by purplehoneycomb 5

A Psychiatrist had promised to take his patients from the asylum to a baseball game so he trained them to follow his commands. On the day of the game they were all settled in the stadium and when the band came out to play he shouted "Clap Nut's" and they all clapped, when the National Anthem began he shouted "Up Nut's" and they all stood up, the first home run was scored and he shouted "Cheer Nut's" and they all cheered. They Psychiatrist was rather pleased with himself and decided to go and get a beer, so leaving his assistant in charge off he went. When he came back there was a Riot going on, he asked his assistant what had happened and the assistant said "Everything was going great until the vendor came along and shouted "PEANUTS"

2007-07-30 15:34:22 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

"I Like Your Thinking"



A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''





Star If FUNNY:)

2007-07-30 15:14:54 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Biker's wish
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."The biker thought about it. Finally, he said,"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means. How to make her happy? "Did you want 2 or 4 lanes?" The lord replied

2007-07-30 15:01:40 · 15 answers · asked by lilmissdisorganised 6

It's a really expensive Italian sports car. Whoever's right get ten points. ready? GO

2007-07-30 14:56:50 · 10 answers · asked by BeHappy 4

ok.its like this. this is ike a quiz.you number your page 1-10 and write peoples names beside them.and then below its says"the persons name beside #3 is the one you love,hate,cant live without,etc.can you give me sites that have this on there?

2007-07-30 14:41:57 · 9 answers · asked by iluvmoi100 2

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

2007-07-30 14:33:00 · 4 answers · asked by william c 2

I have no idea. My dad gave me these clues and I have to figure it out
Outside
No Larger group of people
No Amimals
No Loud Noises
Not in water
Heights at times
It's an Adventure
You can wear whatever.No outfit you must wear
There will be a specialist helping us.
No Food
Mechanicle at times
No Gift Shop
Could be in rain but not reccomended.
Not an all day activity
Nothing to do with Sports

Can anyone think of anything. I can't. please come up with anything you can. Thanks

2007-07-30 14:32:54 · 6 answers · asked by wwefan1324 5

Fred returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Fred asks his wife for sex. She agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Fred, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we
could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

2007-07-30 14:28:53 · 27 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Three blokes in a pub. First one hobbles doubled up, to the bar. Where did you get yours? asks the barman. Afghanistan says the bloke. Have a pint on the house, brave soldier. Second man struggles in, limping and twisted.. Where did you get yours? Iraq. Warrior, have a drink on the house. Third bloke struggles in, his body constricted, hardly able to walk and him in obvious pain. Where did you get yours? Burton's and this suit goes back tomorrow.

2007-07-30 14:20:27 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Today was the first day of school.There was three boys and one girl and they were all late for class. The first boy comes in without his shirt and the teacher asks, " Where were you?"

The boy replies, "On top of Cherry Hill."

So the teacher sends him to his seat. The second boy comes in without any pants and the teacher asks, "Where were YOU?"

And the second boy replies, " On top of Cherry Hill," and then she sends him to his seat.

Then the third boy comes in practically naked. She asks him the same thing and the boy says the same thing.

Then the girl comes in and the teacher asks, "OK let me guess....... you were on top of Cherry Hill?!"

The girl looks confused and she replies, "No..... I am Cherry Hill."

2007-07-30 14:15:37 · 7 answers · asked by william c 2

Once I had it, I couldn't see it. The more I searched for it, the less i like it. I took it home in my hand because i could not find it. What was it?

2007-07-30 14:13:28 · 3 answers · asked by matthewjones_5 1

Two rednecks are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

2007-07-30 14:10:08 · 7 answers · asked by william c 2

A bus stops and two men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

£ 5.00 says you're gonna read this again! :)

2007-07-30 13:50:57 · 24 answers · asked by ? 5

What is so fragile that when you say its name you break it?

2007-07-30 13:33:07 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

a junky walks into a corner shop and asks the man
" have you got an cat food?"
the assistant replies
" oh no, i know what you're like you dirty b*~ggar, show me a cat and you'll get cat food !"

the man pulls a cat from his pocket and show him it. he gets the food

next day, same junky, same shop
" can i get some dog food?"

" show me a dog and you'll get dog food ".. hauls a dog from his toher pocket and gets the food..

NEXT DAY, the junky comes in with a huge parcel.. wrapped and bowed and lays it on the counter..

the assistant says
" whats this now ? "

junky says " present for you "..

the assistant opens it up, and there lies the biggest pile of p*ss and crap you've ever seen

" can i get some toilet paper ? "..

2007-07-30 13:32:53 · 16 answers · asked by 18/M/Scotland 3

A man in a hot air balloon was lost and floating across an open field.

He looked down and saw an Aggie standing in the field and shouted, “Hey”!

The confused Aggie looked left, then right and turned all the way around.

Again the balloon guy yelled “Hey, can you tell me where I am?”

The Aggie looks all around and finally looking up he says, “You ain’t foolin me, yer up thar in thet balloon!”

2007-07-30 13:28:43 · 6 answers · asked by Romeo 7

What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when he hits a windscreen?..... his @rse!

What does a guy and a car have in common?..... They both have the ability to misfire!

Why do guy's have they're best ideas in bed?....... Becasuse they're plugged into a genius!

What did one saggy t it say to the other saggy t it?......If we don't get some support soon people will think were nuts!

How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day?.....She has a tampon behind her ear, and she cannot find her cigarette!!

Why don't blind men skydive?....... Because it scares the s hit out the dog!

What does a dwarf get when he runs through a womans legs?.....A cli t round the ear and a flap accross the face!

What do you an Af gan virgin?....Never bin laid on!

2007-07-30 13:17:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK,
Pete and Repete were sitting on the fence. Pete fell off and who was left?

I SAID!
Pete and Repete were sitting on the fence. Pete fell off and who was left?

Come on guys! How many times I gotta tell it?

2007-07-30 13:10:51 · 8 answers · asked by Romeo 7

PLEASE READ ITS WORTH IT ☺:)

OK theres these 3 guys in a sunna, one of the guys is Chinese and one is Japanese and the other one is a Hillbilly, as they were sittting, the Chinese guy started to make beeping sounds with his mouth, then the other guys were like what r u doing then he was like in China that how we can communicate as u can see i just spoke to my mother. Later then the Japanese guy started to shake his arms then they were like what r u doing he was like i just parked my car in the garage, thats how strong are technology is, the the hillbilly had to do something so he came out went to the bathroom and shoved toilet paper in his butt and walked back into the sunna and the two guys were like woooow whats that then he was like oh wouldnt you know, im geting a fax.

2007-07-30 12:44:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy goes up to his mom and says "mommy can take a shower with you?"
The mom says no, so the boys goes "please it's my birthday" "Ok" says the mom
"just don't look up or down" "Ok I promise" says the boy. But as soon as they're
in the shower the boy looks up and says "mommy what are those?" so the mom says
"those are my headlights" "oh" says the boy. Then he looks down and says "mommy
what is that?" so she says "that's my bush" "oh" said the boy.
So later the boy goes up to his dad and says "daddy can take a shower with
you?" and the dad says "no". "Please it's my birthday" "ok" said the dad "just
don't look down" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks down and says "daddy what's
that?" so the dad says "that's my snake" "oh" said the boy.
So later that night the boy says "mommy, daddy can I get in bed with you I had
a bad dream" "no" say his parents. "Please it's my birthday" "Ok" said his
parents "just don't look under the covers" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as he's in the bed he looks under the covers and screams "mom turn
your head lights there's a snake in your bush!"

2007-07-30 12:32:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

They say Men don't listen...

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him,
tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife
woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the
driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and took the box into the house.
She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors...

2007-07-30 12:32:16 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Alternative definitions of some words.......

Avoidable- What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bernadette- The act of torching a mortgage.
Control- A short, ugly inmate.
Eclipse- What an English barber does for a living.
Hero's- What a guy does in a boat.
Pharmacist- A helper on a farm.
Relief- What a tree does in the spring.
Polarize- What a penguin see's with.
Rubberneck- What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress- Describes a 250lbs in a size 6.
Sudafed- Brought litigation against a government official.
Subdude- A guy who works on one of those attack submarines.



Hope you found them amusing. :O)

2007-07-30 12:30:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous