Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

a police officer pulls over a nun driving a car and says "maam, you're driving too slow, could you please drive faster?" the nun says, "oh, i saw the sign with the '21' and assumed the speed limit was 21." the officer explains "no maam, the speed limit is 65, the highway is 21."

then the officer looks in the back and sees the other two nuns shaking like leaves. "excuse me, sister, but what's wrong with those two?" "oh, thats because we just got off highway 145."

2007-07-31 04:52:33 · 22 answers · asked by "!" 5

my nuts!

2007-07-31 04:16:30 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and Mick were swimming in the lake in the nude. When these two lovely women walk by.

Paddy says to Mick " I'm bet you your not brave enough to show them women your nuts"

And Mick replies " No problems" and precedes to jump up out the lake and shouted "Na na na na na na?"




(Okay who had a dirty mind then?)

2007-07-31 04:08:55 · 21 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

2007-07-31 03:41:42 · 11 answers · asked by Dr.DRE 4

Q: What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A: Brown-bagging it.

Q: What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A: No one else wants it.

Q: Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A: Invisible.

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: "Has the blonde left yet?"

Q: Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A: The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q: Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A: When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.

Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.

Q: Who makes bras for brunette's?
A: Fisher-Price.

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache.

2007-07-31 03:33:43 · 10 answers · asked by lexie 5

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all,

2007-07-31 03:30:44 · 7 answers · asked by Bfloyd15 3

there was an alaskan crabber who's wife was into kayaking
one day, she didnt return
instead two officers came to his door
they said
"I am sorry sir, we have some bad news...some good news...and some REALLY good news. The bad news is, your wife didnt make it. We found her at the bottom of the bay this evening."

the crabber started tearing up and asked what the good news was

"the good news is, when we pulled her body up, there were a dozen king crabs and a dozen dungennes crabs clinging to her body."

the crabber started to get happy now and asked what the REALLY good news was

"the REALLY good news is...we are going to pull her up again tomorow"


star if funny
tell me what you think

2007-07-31 03:23:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cyril, an elderly gentleman is admitted to a nursing home. There is a lovely secluded garden at the home, and Cyril liked to sit in the garden on his own and think about nice times gone by.
One day he is joined by Doris, a newly arrived elderly lady and they start to chat about life.
'Do you know what I really miss' says Cyril. 'Having sex'
Doris laughs and says 'You randy old fool, youy probably couldn't even get it up, but if it makes you feel better I can hold it for you'
So she obliges and this starts to become a regular occurance, so every night they meet down at the bench and Doris holds Cyril's manhood.
One day Doris goes down to the bench and is shocked to see no sign of Cyril. She starts to panic and looks everywhere for him. She eventually finds him in the basemant with Mavis who is indeed also holding his equipment.
Doris yells out ' you cheating bastard, what's Mavis got that I haven't'
Cyril turns round smiling 'Parkinsons'!

2007-07-31 02:49:47 · 15 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

A thug walks into a bar and hits the littlest guy there-
"that was a Karate chop from Korea" he says-
Ten minutes later he hits the little guy again.
"and that was a judo move from Japan" he says.
The little guy goes out-returns 10 minutes later and knocks the thug out cold-
He tells the barman "and when that **** wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Halfords" !!xx

2007-07-31 00:45:23 · 11 answers · asked by SUZANNE R 7

There were two mothers and two daughters, and they all went fishing. All of them caught a fish but when they counted there were only three fish.

2007-07-31 00:38:56 · 13 answers · asked by Sheila 3

wonkey, what do you call a wonkey with 1 eye?


A winkey wonkey.

2007-07-31 00:38:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

2007-07-31 00:35:46 · 6 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Doctor and his wife - no good in bed.

A Doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to phone after many rings and the irritated husband says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed".

"In bed this late, doing what"?

"Getting a second opinion" she says.

2007-07-31 00:34:16 · 9 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we’d better run it through again..."

2007-07-31 00:32:43 · 4 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2007-07-31 00:27:57 · 14 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his *** on top of a drunk's glass. The drunk yells, "Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his *** in my beer?"

The organ grinder replies, "No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I'll pick it up from there."

2007-07-31 00:25:51 · 6 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if
she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy
to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The
wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted. On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with
meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

2007-07-30 23:56:01 · 6 answers · asked by Brad 2

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own drive and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

2007-07-30 23:18:41 · 6 answers · asked by Brad 2

Oh these females!
If you kiss her,
you are not a gentleman

If you don`t,
you are not a man

If you praise her,
she thinks you are lying

If you don`t,
you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes,
you are a wimp

If you don`t,
you are not understanding

If you visit her often,
she thinks you are boring

If you don`t,
she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed,
she says you are a playboy

If you don`t,
you are a dull boy

If you are jealous,
she says it`s bad

If you don`t,
she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance,
she says you didn`t respect her

If you don`t,
she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late,
she complains it`s hard to wait

If she is late,
she says that`s a girl`s way

If you visit another man,
you`re not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman,
"oh it`s natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while,
she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often,
she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics

If you do,
she thinks it`s just one of men`s tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman,
she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by other men,
she says that they are just admiring

If you talk,
she wants you to listen

If you listen,
she wants you to talk

2007-07-30 21:33:11 · 31 answers · asked by shaktimaan 5

What never gets any wetter no matter how hard it rains?

2007-07-30 20:52:51 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

2007-07-30 20:44:55 · 41 answers · asked by vijay m Indian Lawyer 7

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

2007-07-30 20:26:40 · 13 answers · asked by sami 3

George Bush was thrilled at finally being able to sleep in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the first night he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Welcoming the opportunity to communicate with the father of our country, Bush asked, “President Washington, what is the best thing I can do to help the nation?”
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington replied.
Later that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared in the bedroom, and Bush asked him the same question.
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson said.
Still later, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appeared and Bush asked once again, “Abe, please tell me, what is the best thing I can do to help the nation?”
Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

2007-07-30 19:36:48 · 18 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Patrick had been working at the office for 2 years now. Everyday he would enter the workplace, welcomed by the same beautiful receptionist. One day he gathered all courage. He walked up and stand next to her, took a deep breathe and said 'Your hair smells nice'.
After work, she went straight to the manager , explain everything to the manager and she said ' i want to sue Patrick for Sexual Harassment. The Manager asked 'why would you want sue a colleague for complimenting you'. she answered 'Because he is a Midget'

2007-07-30 19:31:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

2007-07-30 18:31:50 · 3 answers · asked by darcyaf1 3

Three men, a German, an Irishman and a Chinaman all reported for their first day of work on the new rail line.

The Foreman greeted them and began by assigning them their jobs.

He started with the German "your in charge of placing the track"

Then the Irishman "you drive the spikes"

Then he said to the Chinaman, " Your in charge of supplies"

With that he said he'd return in an hour to see how they were and walked off.

an hour later he returned to find the German and the Irishman sitting an talking.

In a roar he yelled " WHY HAVEN'T YOU STARTED, YOU SHOULD HAVE LAID 500 FEET OF TRACK BY NOW!!!!"

The German replied ' Ze Chinaman, He not return wit ze supplies!"

the Irishman responds, " Dat Chinaman walked off, and we've not seen 'im since"

The forman enraged, storms off to locate the Chinaman. As he passes a large boulder the Chinaman jumps out and yells..... :"SUPPLIES!!!!!"

2007-07-30 18:24:52 · 10 answers · asked by The Forgotten 6

How to Impress a Woman

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....



How to Impress a Man

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

2007-07-30 17:39:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?

2007-07-30 17:28:39 · 7 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

Did they get their sentences reduced if they participated? Were only the non-murdering ones allowed to dance?

2007-07-30 17:20:25 · 1 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

Judge:

Sir, you've been brought here for drinking.

Drunk:

OK, your Honor, let's get started!

2007-07-30 17:07:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous