Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Because it said.... "concentrate."

2007-07-29 13:28:14 · 11 answers · asked by philisopheyes 3

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Bobby?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him - "I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"And where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well, teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

2007-07-29 13:10:17 · 21 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.

The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."

Little Johnny didn't reply and continued walking.

The shopkeeper repeated himself, but Johnny kept walking.

The third time the shopkeeper called him, Johnny replied, "What?"

The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."

Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."

2007-07-29 13:03:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best or*l s*x she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral s*x she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, because my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

2007-07-29 12:50:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind guy decided to visit Texas and when he got on the plane he felt the seat and said to the man next to him"Wow these seat's are BIG." the guy said "Everything's big in Texas". He get's to Texas and goes for a drink in the Hotel bar, he asks for a beer and a mug of beer is placed between his hand's "Wow" he said "This is a big mug of beer." the barman says "Everything's big in Texas." The blind guy continues having his beer and asks for some Potato Chips, a bag is placed in his hand and he say's "Wow this is a big bag of chips." the barman again says "Everything's big in Texas." The blind guy continues having his beer and chips. Pretty soon he needs to go to the toilet sos he asks the barman hwere the toilet is " Along the wall on your left, It's the second door on your left." the barman says He goes along the wall but he trips and misses the second door and end's up going in the third door whereupon he falls into the swimming pool, he shouts "DON'T FLUSH ! DON'T FLUSH !

2007-07-29 12:47:47 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

2007-07-29 12:43:20 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this priest in a church who would celebrate mass every now and then. However, he observed that although there were many who attended the mass, there were just a few who will sing the mass songs. And this went on for weeks.

Finally, one day, the priest could not take things sitting down. During the sermon he requested the churchgoers in the singing of the hymns saying "If you are so gifted with a very beautiful voice, sing out loud with all your heart, and give thanks to the Lord for such beautiful gift you have been given."

And for those who might sing out of tune and ruin the hymns he said to them "For those who were not given such gifts, sing out loud with all your heart.... for now is your chance to get even with God for not giving you such gift."

2007-07-29 12:40:00 · 2 answers · asked by bowen 6

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

2007-07-29 12:27:04 · 12 answers · asked by josey 3

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

2007-07-29 12:26:07 · 11 answers · asked by josey 3

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"

2007-07-29 12:25:08 · 10 answers · asked by josey 3

Bubba died in a fire, and his body was burned severely. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and brought in Gomer next to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two a*sholes.”

“What? He had two a*sholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a*sholes. Every time we all went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two a*sholes.’”

2007-07-29 12:17:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

2007-07-29 12:16:13 · 4 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and then threw out my beer. She can be such a ***** sometimes.

2007-07-29 12:13:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!"

2007-07-29 12:13:22 · 12 answers · asked by pd6491 2

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

2007-07-29 12:01:04 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten b*stard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

2007-07-29 11:55:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys are chatting in a bar, complaining about their wives. “My wife is really stupid,” says the first guy. “Last week she bought a brand-new car, and she doesn’t even know how to drive.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second guy. “Last week I found a bunch of condoms in my wife’s purse, and she doesn’t even have a penis!”

2007-07-29 11:53:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2007-07-29 11:48:30 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Johnny and his father were taking a walk, when Johnny noticed two dogs mating.

Johnny asks his father, "What are those dogs doing?"

"Well they are making puppies," his dad says.

The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, "Hey they are making puppies!"

That night Johnny walks in on his parents having s*x. Curious, Johnny asks, "What are you two doing?"

"Well we are making you a baby sister," said his dad.

"No no no" yells Johnny, "roll her over and make me some puppies!"

2007-07-29 11:39:26 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him—he's afraid to cough!"

2007-07-29 11:38:08 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

two paki's at waterloo station one says "right in 5years we meet up here and see how we get on and who has become the most british"
five years later they meet,paki says well i got a council house two kids go to pub for a pint and watch footy what about you? the other says "fcuk off paki"

2007-07-29 11:37:30 · 6 answers · asked by chris 4

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

2007-07-29 11:31:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor sat his patient down:
"I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said: "Give me the good news."
The doctor said: "They're going to name a disease after you."

2007-07-29 11:29:22 · 8 answers · asked by Plato 5

what are your three wishes?

2007-07-29 11:22:14 · 20 answers · asked by miss lady 4

Ok, it was the stragest thing that happened to me today !

I was standing waiting to cross the road and the 'red man' was showing....

I was'nt having any of it and attempted to chenge it to green with my mind... I focused and willed it to change and within 45 seconds (!!!) it changed green !

So do I have somesort of powers ?

2007-07-29 10:59:22 · 23 answers · asked by Roger 6

there was a talent show going on in a town
a man decided he would become a star by using his talking dog, when stood before the judge he said"this dog is amazing you wont believe it"!

the judge says "okay lets get it over with"

the man turns to the dog and says "what is the top of a house"?

the dog replies "roof"

the judge says " but all dogs say roof you idiot"
so the man turns to the dog again and says "what does sandpaper feel like"??

the dog barks "ruff"

judge looking bored says "all dogs say ruff...Next!"

the man pleads and says "please one more chance"

this time he turns to the dog and says clearely" who was the worlds greatest baseball player"????!

now the judge leans in

the dog barks "ruth"

the judge yells "thats it i've had enough get out now!"

later the man and the dog were sat on the sidewalk and the dog turns and says "maybe i shoulda said DiMaggio"

2007-07-29 10:54:38 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Myklia the blonde decided to do something she'd never done before, she would rent an adult video. So she went to the video store and picked a tape that had an appropriate title. She got home and slipped into something comfortable and put the tape in the machine......... Nothing but static she let the tape run for a few more minutes and still nothing but static she fast forwarded the tape for a while and there was nothing on it but static. She phoned the video store and said to the clerk "I just rented an adult video from your shop and there was nothing on it but static." The clerk apologised asked "What is the name of the film.?" Myklia replied "Head Cleaner"

2007-07-29 10:45:45 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A drunken man
staggered into a church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The
priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says
nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt
to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,'
pal. There's no paper left."

2007-07-29 10:33:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunken man
staggered into a church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The
priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says
nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt
to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,'
pal. There's no paper."

2007-07-29 10:33:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer these riddles:
1. My life can be measured in hours, I serve by being devoured. Thin, I am quick ,Fat, I am slow, Wind is my foe.
2. Two mothers and two daughters go to a pet store and buy three cats. Each female gets her own cat. How is this possible?
3. What's white when it’s dirty?
4. Which is faster, hot or cold?
5. When is your mind like a rumpled bed?
6. What is it that everybody does at the same time?
7. Take away my first letter; take away my second letter; take away all my letters, and I would remain the same. What am I?
8. A doctor and a nurse have a baby boy. But the boy's father is not the doctor and the mother is not the nurse. How can it be?
9. What seven letters did Old Mother Hubbard say when she opened her cupboard?
10. How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out on Friday?
11. The more you take the more you leave behind.
12. A word I know, six letters it contains. Subtract just one, and twelve is what remains.

2007-07-29 10:25:28 · 4 answers · asked by Lei 3