Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

I would get an ipod nano but it is to expensive and the shuffle costs way less!! Help please

2007-07-28 13:12:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of them starts to fidget.The other one asks her what she is doing,she says,"This bloke next to me is having a w***."
First woman says,"Come on then lets move to another seat."
Second woman says,"I can't just yet."
First one says,"Why not"?
Second woman says,"Because he is using my hand." !!!!

2007-07-28 13:00:51 · 13 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

Key words, like key events, unlock the meaning of a lesson, or a lecture. These words are the ones which contain most of the meaning of what the speaker says. Learning how to listen or look for key words will help you keep up with the speaker's pace, write down information accurately, and arrange ideas in their proper order. The notes you take will help you to recall main facts and mental pictures long after you first heard them.

What is wrong with this paragraph?

2007-07-28 12:53:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. . . what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that stinkin' map!"

2007-07-28 12:48:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Suzie at Sunday School wasn't that attentive. She slept. Constantly. One day, the teacher asked her, "Who created the universe?" No response. So Johnny in the seat behind, sticks a pin in her behind. Suzie screams "God Almighty!" Teacher says, "That's correct." A little while later, the teacher asks Suzie, "Who is our savior?" Still asleep. Johnny pins her again and she yells, "Jesus Christ!" Teacher says again, "That's correct." Not much later, she asks Suzie, "What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 21st child." Johnny pinned her, so she jumped up and screamed (LOUD-ly) " If you stick that dang thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted, and went to therapy 3 times a week for sevral long years.

2007-07-28 12:45:52 · 7 answers · asked by Stan Man 3

Judge: "I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie"
Mickey: (stunned) "Why not?"
Judge:" I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support your claim she is crazy"
Mickey: (exasperated): "Your honour i didn't say she was crazy......
I said she was fu@king Goofy!"

2007-07-28 12:40:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-28 12:36:10 · 17 answers · asked by Mo_Joe_man 2

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and his bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But, lo and behold, the next morning the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned. "Whatever happened to you, my dear? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhhh no! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant money!!" :(

2007-07-28 12:31:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women were sitting around talking about their s*x lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Motor Racing Grand Prix. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell me about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medallist for the 400 metres."
"How come?"
"He's got his time down to under 45seconds."

2007-07-28 12:19:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-28 12:19:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob was out walking one day when he came to a big house in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree, then another couple behing some bushes by the house.
He walkied up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door and Bob asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn? queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

2007-07-28 12:13:14 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't scroll down before the prompts, or you'll spoil the fun.

Follow these simple instructions:

Pick a number between 2 and 9, including 2 or 9.

Multiply by 9.

You have a two digit number. Add the two digits.

Subtract 5.

Remeber this number.

Each letter of the alphabet corresponds to a number: A=1, B=2 and so on. Pick the letter of the alphabet that corresponds to your number.

Name a country whose name begins with your letter.

Now, take the next letter of the alphabet, and name an animal that starts with that letter.

So, do you think you have follwed these instructios well? (Scroll down)




















Are you sure? (Scroll down)

























Scroll down to see why you're wrong...

























































There are no elephants in Denmark!

2007-07-28 12:10:48 · 16 answers · asked by Samurai Hoghead 7

On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now; you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty.
"Oh, oh, aaaahh," he exclaims. "Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful; let me take your photo."
Puzzled she asks, "My photo?"
He answers, "Yes, my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her photograph, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe? We are married now."
The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh, my, let me get a photo of YOU."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!" :)

2007-07-28 12:06:44 · 28 answers · asked by . 3

2007-07-28 11:44:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

a tourist

2007-07-28 11:24:22 · 1 answers · asked by Drew 5

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer, on the other hand, retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them--roam Rudolph to Blitzen--has to be female. We should've known. Only women are able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

2007-07-28 11:20:54 · 16 answers · asked by pd6491 2

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, “What do you have under the newspaper?”

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, “A bird.”

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, “I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, “What did you do to that naked fellow?”

After a pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing! I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!”

2007-07-28 11:01:53 · 20 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Three guys are discussing the control they have over their wives.
Bob, the first guy says: "I have immense control over my wife. Every night I come home from work to find my dinner waiting for me on the table."
Jim, the second guy says: "I have total control over my wife. Every night I come home from work to find a hot bath ready and waiting."
The third guy, Smila, says: "The other night, lads, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The other two are really impressed with this and ask, "Yeah, Smila, what did she say?".........


















"GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT BED SMILA AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!"

2007-07-28 10:56:57 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

but were waiting for the right opportunity to express their feelings. One day, masters of both went out. Rodrigues the bull grabbed the chance, jumped over the fence and came to Jenniffer the cow. Jenniffer the cow eyed him over and said : ' So, you are 'Rodrigues, the bull'. Huh?' Rodrigues answered : ' No, I am only Rodrigues now. The fence was taller than I thought'

2007-07-28 10:44:10 · 5 answers · asked by SAMMYBOY 2

offered me a load of amphibians!!!!!!!

2007-07-28 10:16:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy come downstairs one morning to find Myklia the Painter at work in his kitchen painting his walls, she was wearing a Fur coat on top of a denim jacket, intrigued the guy asked her why she was wearing a fur on top of her denim Jacket and she said "The instructions on the tin said 'For best results apply two coats'"

2007-07-28 10:10:32 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

my dyslexic friend died last night... choked on his own vimto.

2007-07-28 10:08:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school.

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag.

"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

2007-07-28 10:03:38 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

about a patient that has burns all over his legs:

Doctor: "Give this man two Viagra."

Nurse: "Viagra, Doctor? Will this help the burns on this man's legs get better".

Doctor: "No, but it will keep the covers off his legs."

2007-07-28 09:54:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Zebra. Is that tame enough for you all???

2007-07-28 09:48:47 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

They saw one guy parking his mobike with a sidecar and leaving without taking the ignition key. They thought that this was their right opportunity and dashed for the bike. Sol took the driver's seat and started the engine and joe jumped into the sidecar. They drove the vehicle as fast as they can and reached the road leading out of the city in seconds. Just then, with a sigh of relief, Sol turned to his buddy and was shocked to see Joe's face. Joe's face had turned red and he was gritting his teeth. He knew something serious had happened. Sol shouted above the noise of the engine: ' What the hell is the matter?' Joe shouted back : ' This lousy sidecar has got no bottom'.

2007-07-28 09:46:23 · 10 answers · asked by SAMMYBOY 2

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble."Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

2007-07-28 09:40:07 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The priest told him that his bicycle was stolen.
The young priest said to the priest : ' Father, pl. calm down now. Tomorrow is Sunday. All people in the town will be present for the service. You might choose 10 Commandments for the sermon. Stress the point when you come to 'Thy not steal'. The theif might start feeling guilty and return your bicycle'. This idea sounded good and he decided to do the same the next day. As the sermon progressed, the young priest was surprised to hear that the priest didn't stress the point at all as discussed. After the service was over, he asked the father why. The father said : ' When I came to 'Thy not commit adultery, I remembered where I parked my bicycle'.

2007-07-28 09:25:20 · 9 answers · asked by SAMMYBOY 2

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he wiped his bum!

hahaha!

you guys know any good jokes????

2007-07-28 08:04:15 · 11 answers · asked by kankle neck! eww =P 1

If you can get me to laugh really hard youll get some points, but i should warn you i dont laugh that easily. Try to make me laugh hard and good luck.

2007-07-28 08:03:30 · 4 answers · asked by UnknownNintendo 1