Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

There once was a man who wanted a beautiful white horse. So he went to church and began to pray. A priest overheard his prayers. He said, "I have beautiful white horse, and Im a good guy, you can have it for free." The man is ecstatic.

A day later the man is picking up the horse from the priests house. The priest says "Now, this is a holy horse. You have to say thank God to make him go and holy crap to make him stop."

The man begins to ride the horse home. Along the way he begins to run, but soon realizes that there is a cliff up ahead. At the top of his he shouts "Holy Crap!" The horse stopped only 2 feet away from the cliff. In a sigh of relief, the man wipes his brow and says "Thank God."

2007-07-27 13:49:39 · 5 answers · asked by nohandtyper 6

An old Arab lived close to NYC for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he's alone old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail to explain the problem:
"Beloved son, I'm very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. Love you.
Your Father"
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved Father, Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.Love you, too.
Ahmed.
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but cant find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. Ahmed

2007-07-27 13:43:49 · 9 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

2007-07-27 13:38:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY. VERY CLEAR MEANINGS.

Artery..........The study of paintings
Bacteria.........Back door to the cafeteria
Barium...........What doctors do when patients die
Catscan.........Search for kitty
Cauterize.......Made eye contact with her
Dilate..............To live long
Enema............Not a friend
Fester.............Quicker than some f**ker else
Fibula..............A small lie
Impotent..........Well known
Labour pain....Getting hurt at work
Medical staff..Doctor's cane
Morbid............A higher offer
Nitrates..........Cheaper than through the day
Node..............I knew it
Outpatient.....A person who fainted
Pelvis............Elvis's cousin
Rectum.........Nearly f**king killed him
Secretion.....Hiding something
Seizure........A roman emporer
Tablet..........A small table
Tumour........One plus one more
Urine...........Opposite of you're out

2007-07-27 13:36:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

2007-07-27 13:29:40 · 10 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

You can call him anything that you want, but he still ain't coming...


PS: Just for grins, I am wondering what YOU would name the poor little feller? The name I like best gets 10 points.

2007-07-27 13:24:58 · 19 answers · asked by Romeo 7

A pimp

2007-07-27 13:08:45 · 7 answers · asked by ? 2

my milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard?

2007-07-27 12:32:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Barman said we don't get many horses in here what brand of whiskey would you like?. The white horse said what types have you got?. The barman says, Oh! we've got Grants, Teachers, Jameiesons, we've even got one named after you. The white horse says you mean you've got one called "Dobbin"

2007-07-27 12:25:23 · 13 answers · asked by MIckey Dip 2

the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

2007-07-27 12:05:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-27 11:59:34 · 2 answers · asked by pat646400 1

While he's drinking,another man says to him,"Nice dog you got there,what's his name"?
The man says,"He's called blacksmith."
Second man says,"Why do you call him that"?
Man says,"Everytime I kick him up the a r s e,he makes a bolt for the door."

2007-07-27 11:58:59 · 10 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

One day a condom and a pad were having a heated conversation:
the condom said to the pad, "because of you i am not able to do my work for at least one whole week in every month". The pad, not wanting to lose replied and said, "well, whenever you get stressed and breakdown, i will not be able to work for 9 months"

2007-07-27 11:49:26 · 10 answers · asked by whitelighter 2

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...

The voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed."

2007-07-27 11:22:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What do you call a blonde at university?
A: A visitor


Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
A: He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue.


Q: Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin brother?
A: He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror.

2007-07-27 11:19:06 · 18 answers · asked by sami 3

Two blondes are walking down the street.

One of the blondes gets a pocket mirror out to see how she's looking.

She says to her friend. "I recognise that person in the mirror"

Her friend says, "Let me have a look"

Then replies "Of course you do its me.

2007-07-27 11:11:51 · 22 answers · asked by sami 3

Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.

After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.

The second man, surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?"

The first man responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.

"Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he floats

"The air currents are great here!" he says. "It's very relaxing."

He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the floor, he invites the second man to try it.

The second man, , looks out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.

Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man closes his eyes, and steps out ininto thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

2007-07-27 10:41:43 · 18 answers · asked by sami 3

A Blonde that is not so dumb!

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from
L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines
And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a
Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-
Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily
Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the
Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she
Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the
Earth to the moon?"

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill
With three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He
Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the
Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and
Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the
blonde and asks,

"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep.

2007-07-27 10:28:03 · 29 answers · asked by hottie 2

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.

"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

2007-07-27 10:14:24 · 19 answers · asked by pd6491 2

okay there's this brunette jumping on a train track saying 22,22,22 then a blond comes up behind her saying what r u doing. the brunette replies jumpinng on train track not really paying attention. so then the bruntte hears this train coming she hops down but the blond is still up there.

the blond gets hit and dies.
the brunette hops back on NOW saying 23,23,23!

2007-07-27 10:12:32 · 10 answers · asked by Applebomb 1

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at
the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them
on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then
consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments,
"Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man
replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic
bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

2007-07-27 10:03:00 · 13 answers · asked by Emmanuel B 3

2 men named Mr. T are having an argument. The first one says "I brought sexyback". The second one says "I pity da fool that thinks you did!"

source: me!

2007-07-27 10:00:46 · 5 answers · asked by pocketful_of_sunshine 4

2007-07-27 09:48:53 · 17 answers · asked by bwuny 3

2007-07-27 09:17:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

2007-07-27 08:57:56 · 43 answers · asked by angeleyes 2

welshman walking thru a field,sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.the welshman shouts "paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr!"
(dont drink the water it's full of cow s.h.i.t!)
man shouts back "i'm english,speak english,i dont understand you!"
welshman shouts back "use both hands,you'll get more in!"!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-27 08:22:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

lol add me.

2007-07-27 08:04:51 · 13 answers · asked by FALLEN17 2

shakespear walks in to a pub and says pint please bar tender says your bared!!! i dont get it am i being thick or does it make sense?

2007-07-27 07:54:07 · 19 answers · asked by pipa s 3

and when was i born ?

2007-07-27 07:40:55 · 16 answers · asked by Top_Gear_Biggest_Fan 5

Its a riddle, if you heard this or you have a plausible answer, submit it.

2007-07-27 07:40:05 · 4 answers · asked by Geoff W 1