Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

ok... an englishman, american, and irishman walk into a bar. they all sit down at the counter and order a pint of beer. just as the bartender places them down 1 flies land in each of their drinks. the englishman is disgusted and pushes the beer aside and orders another. the american takes out the fly throws it on the ground and drinks the beer. the irishman fishes out the fly picks it up and squeezes it saying, "spit it out you little f*cker"

2007-07-26 17:23:24 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.


The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

2007-07-26 17:21:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were two mothers and two daughters, and they all went fishing. All of them caught a fish but when they counted there were only three fish. How come?

A word I know, six letters it contains, subtract one, and twelve remains. What am I??

2007-07-26 17:12:27 · 9 answers · asked by NOMEGA 1

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was *that*?"

2007-07-26 17:11:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eight words women use...

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a
half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just
been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around
the house.

3! .) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks
you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the
meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the ! most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to
think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for
your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or
Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to
do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response
refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments
they can
avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good
laugh, cause they know it's true.

2007-07-26 16:58:50 · 12 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

How do you get a columnist to file his column by 4? Tell him you need
it at 2.

Why is a headline like a Scud missile? Both are offensive and
inaccurate.
What's the difference between a features editor and an onion? People
cry when you cut an onion into pieces.
What do you call an assistant managing editor with a beeper? An
optimist.
How do you know when there's a circulation consultant at the door? His
hat says "Domino's."
What is a lady? A columnist who could write about her children, but
doesn't.
What's the difference between a substitute reporter and a Dr. Scholl's
footpad? Dr. Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
If you threw a reporter and a photographer off a cliff at the same time,
who would hit bottom first? (Two answers.) 1. The photographer, because
the reporter would get lost on the way. 2. Who cares?

**********************************************

2007-07-26 16:55:57 · 2 answers · asked by Ink Corporate 7

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You’d be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider’s home And a virus was the flu! I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

2007-07-26 16:45:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

of courseee!!

2007-07-26 16:19:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their Maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what she wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line...smile!

2007-07-26 16:15:53 · 19 answers · asked by Donna 4

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm
off now, the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, ", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time, I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

2007-07-26 16:13:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Frisky Freckled Ferret

If you can't then give me a star.


--Wiiplay_ds

2007-07-26 16:09:27 · 16 answers · asked by Wiiplay_ds 5

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said,
"I wish that the bear was gay."

2007-07-26 15:56:30 · 15 answers · asked by Naruto 6

http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html


L I N K A B O V E ..................................................

2007-07-26 15:53:56 · 16 answers · asked by Monsieur Recital Vinyliste 6

Nothing bad, just a common or everyday word that you hate. What is it? For me it is YUM (eeww I hate it)!

2007-07-26 15:45:28 · 55 answers · asked by dm 3

ok... an englishman, american, and irishman walk into a bar. they all sit down at the counter and order a pint of beer. just as the bartender places them down 1 flies land in each of their drinks. the englishman is disgusted and pushes the beer aside and orders another. the american takes out the fly throws it on the ground and drinks the beer. the irishman fishes out the fly picks it up and squeezes it saying, "spit it out you little f*cker"

2007-07-26 15:10:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man was filling up his application form when he came accross "Sex:___".
he didn't know what to write so he glanced up to the girl on his right, the girl's answer was "F".
wanting for another opinion, he then glanced up to the boy on his left, the boy answered "M".
so he finally made up his mind and wrote "MWF" (for monday, wednesday, friday)

2007-07-26 14:55:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teen decides to make some money one Summer by teaching seniors how to use a computer. He tells them that it will cost them $10.00 per day.
One elderly woman insists that she can learn in half a day and tells the teen that she will only pay him $5.00 for half a day instead of the full day. The teen agrees.
Two hours into the course, the elderly woman screams "Get me a highlighter!"

2007-07-26 14:07:32 · 20 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

An Irish man is late for a meeting. He's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, in his strong Irish accent "God, if you find me a parking spot I promise that I'll be the best Irish man in town, I'll pray very night, go to church four time a week! Please God get me a parking spot"

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."

2007-07-26 13:52:27 · 15 answers · asked by That guy you know :) 2

A man and his son walk by the condom display inside a drugstore. The boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

"Those are condoms, son. It's how men have safe sex."

The boy asks, "Why are there three?"

"Those are for high school boys. One each for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday."

"Who are the six packs for?" the boy asks.

"College men," the dad explains. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"Wow!" says the boy. He grabs a 12-pack. "And these?"

The dad sighs and answers, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

2007-07-26 13:48:35 · 19 answers · asked by Bored 5

GREEN
YELLOW
RED
BLUE
my lil sis knew this one and i didn't!!

2007-07-26 13:31:33 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy, an Irishman was talking to a long-distance telephone operator.
Paddy : "Could you please tell me the time difference between Dublin & Tokyo?"
Operator : "Just a minute ..."
Paddy : "Thank you" ... and put the phone down!

2007-07-26 13:20:13 · 18 answers · asked by Naruto 6

A woman goes to a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her son's birthday. She grabs one and approaches the clerk who's wearing dark shades.

"Can you tell me about this rod and reel?" she asks.

"Ma'am, I'm completely blind," he replies. "But if you drop it on the counter, I'll tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She drops the rod on the counter.

"That's a six-foot graphite rod with a 404 reel and 10-pound test line," the clerk declares. "It's on sale this week for $20."

"I'll take it!" she exclaims. She opens her purse, and her credit card falls to the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets one rip. She's embarrassed but decides not to draw attention to it when the blind man doesn't react.

He rings her up and says, "That'll be $34.50, please."

"Didn't you just tell me it was on sale for $20?" asks the baffled woman.

"The rod & reel is $20," he replies, "but the duck call is $11, and that catfish bait costs $3.50."

2007-07-26 13:16:41 · 7 answers · asked by Bored 5

An Arab, a Mexican and a Texan are in a bar. The Arab suddenly shouts " In my country we have so much money we don't have to drink from the same glass twice" with that he throws up his glass ,pulls out a gun and blasts it to pieces.

Not to be out done...the Mexican jumps up and shouts " in my country we have so much sand to make glass, we don't have to drink from the same glass twice" and with that he throws the glass in the air, pulls out a gun and blasts it out of the air.

The Texan watching all this from the end of the bar calmly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a .45 and shoots the Arab, shoots the Mexican, catches his glass and slamming it down on the bar announces " in My country we have so many illegal aliens we don't have to drink with the same ones twice!

.

2007-07-26 12:56:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

your sassy or frisky ?

2007-07-26 12:51:22 · 10 answers · asked by tired of getting suspended 4

SAT analogy

White guys are to dreadlocks as BLANK is to BLANK.

2007-07-26 12:40:29 · 7 answers · asked by iliketohide 2

Bill says,"Flobalob blob flob."
Ben says,"You better go home mate you're pissed."

2007-07-26 12:37:01 · 18 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

2007-07-26 12:35:19 · 15 answers · asked by Magda 2

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

2007-07-26 12:34:56 · 5 answers · asked by Pete 4

2007-07-26 12:31:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blonds are talking to each other. One blond asks the other, "Which is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blond responds, "Hello!?! You can see the moon. You can't see Florida!"

2007-07-26 12:30:19 · 16 answers · asked by Bored 5