More Newspaper Funnies?

Question

How do you get a columnist to file his column by 4? Tell him you need
it at 2.

Why is a headline like a Scud missile? Both are offensive and
inaccurate.
What's the difference between a features editor and an onion? People
cry when you cut an onion into pieces.
What do you call an assistant managing editor with a beeper? An
optimist.
How do you know when there's a circulation consultant at the door? His
hat says "Domino's."
What is a lady? A columnist who could write about her children, but
doesn't.
What's the difference between a substitute reporter and a Dr. Scholl's
footpad? Dr. Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
If you threw a reporter and a photographer off a cliff at the same time,
who would hit bottom first? (Two answers.) 1. The photographer, because
the reporter would get lost on the way. 2. Who cares?

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Answer 1

Sweet Polly,

Here's my suggested edits/input:

-Tell the columnist their story needs to be completed by noon, so they can move it to Page 4 rather than Page 36. They'll get it done, don't you worry none! Then, tell them it got changed back to Page 36 again as it was bumped by the original story slated for Page 4.
-Scud missiles & headlines both grab your attention!
-What's more satisfying (cutting up an editor or an onion?) and tastes better on a hot dog? The onion of course!
-Or maybe the assistant managing editor could be deemed an up & comer trying to stay ahead of the game (or his wife is pregnant in the third trimester & wants to stay in touch).
-I like Pizza!
-Or a coulmnist that could write about her boyfriend/husband, but won't kiss & tell.
--->I really like this one - rank this as #1!
--As long as it was neither of us going over the cliff, I agree with #2 (who cares? Because they just made two jobs open for us!) - rank this as probably #2

Answer 2

.......three cheers to the editors, reporters, photographers! long live the newspapers! (for all this humour in abundance and quality!)