Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Ingredients
1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey


Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

2007-07-26 12:24:57 · 12 answers · asked by glen w 4

White guys are to dreadlocks as BLANK is to BLANK.

2007-07-26 12:22:10 · 5 answers · asked by iliketohide 2

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

2007-07-26 12:22:01 · 7 answers · asked by Pete 4

wa-taaaaah!


PMSL! I thought that was so great.

2007-07-26 12:21:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A country doctor went to a very remote area to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the mother in labour and her 5year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5year old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5year old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

2007-07-26 12:20:52 · 51 answers · asked by . 3

He walks across to and ask's "whats your name?"
"Carmen" she replies. "It used to be Linda, but I changed it to Carmen because I love cars and men. Whats your name?"
He thinks for a moment.
"Beershag."

2007-07-26 12:14:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.
I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight!
Well, the hours passed and the G & Ts were going down way too easy. At around 2.30am., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, I realised he'd probably wake up, so i cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him twelve o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
He then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh sh*t', cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

2007-07-26 12:10:29 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. I can hardly hear you.........are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure......go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006
models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a
pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?!"

2007-07-26 11:42:25 · 15 answers · asked by Gaucho 6

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sp*rm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead!
The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead!
The third worm in sp*rm - dead!
The fourth worm in soil - alive!!!

So the science teacher asked the class: "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and asaid: "As long as you drink, smoke and have s*x, you won't have worms.

2007-07-26 11:31:32 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Company meeting.

2007-07-26 11:02:58 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob,a hard worker,spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax&take a break from sports so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them&says,"Hey Bob! How are you tonight?"
His wife,surprised,asks her husband if he has been here before.
"No,no.He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated&the waitress approaches,sees Bob and says,"Nice to see you Bob.A gin & tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen."You MUST come here a lot!"
"No, no," says Bob. "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Bob & says."Bob, a table dance as usual?"
His wife,fuming collects her things&storms out of the bar.
Bob follows her&spots her getting into a cab,so he jumps into the passenger seat.His wife looks at him,seething with fury&lets Bob have it with both barrels.
At this the cabby leans over& says "Sure looks like you picked up a bit*h tonight, Bob!"

2007-07-26 10:58:42 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't stop me if you've heard it just laugh :)

He pulls over and the cop checks his license and registration, and tells him that he pulled him over for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After arguing, and pleading to no avail the guy gets a bit cocky and says,

"Would I get in trouble if I called you a** hole?"

"Yeah you would says the cop, with a look that half dared him to do it.

The guy gets quite for a moment.

"OK", says the guy, "Well would I get in trouble if I only thought you where an A** hole?"

"Nah says the Cop I could do anything to you just cause you thought I was an A** hole.

Again the guy gets quite for a second, and then says, "ok well I think you are an A** hole!

Don't try this at home folks! But Star if you laugh :)

2007-07-26 10:55:37 · 12 answers · asked by Delighted 3

Oldie but funny.......
A trucker had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of the way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and loooked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming.....you were the only one with brakes."

2007-07-26 10:42:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, Whats the title of that song???? Does anyone know?? Its a song! were'd you get your body from. were'd you get your body from? I got it from my mama

2007-07-26 10:17:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

r
e
c
t
a
t
s

2007-07-26 10:16:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and anything which was valuable and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, he thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-07-26 10:08:12 · 19 answers · asked by cadburys.angel 2

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine-year-old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?”
The nine year old says, “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother?”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

2007-07-26 09:55:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What kind of shoes do frogs wear.?
open toad..

What do frogs do with paper...rip.it.....

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg....unhoppy

what did the frog order at Macdonalds...French flies and a diet croak.....

why did the frog go to the hospital...he needed a hopperation

2007-07-26 09:39:49 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.

2007-07-26 09:21:37 · 10 answers · asked by Lonely Bàstard 5

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

2007-07-26 09:19:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Newscaster: News that Al Gore's son (Yes this is true) was caught by officials who reported that he was driving 100 miles per hour in a Toyota Prius, which was chalk full of drugs.
America remains shocked...

...that a Prius could go 100 miles an hour.


hope it funny lol...

2007-07-26 08:56:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Was it persuing the chicken that crossed the road?

Or did it merely seize the oppertunity to immortalise itself in type face history?

2007-07-26 08:55:15 · 26 answers · asked by Tsh 3

red and lacey over there. what is it? what do you spy?

2007-07-26 08:53:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you write down a mental not is it still a mental not? If not what is it called?

2007-07-26 08:46:26 · 8 answers · asked by J Eazzzy 2

These three blondes fall on hard times, they can pay the rent on their flat, but they’re having an awful time affording enough food.

So, one of the blondes says, she’s heard of a government cheese program and that they need to get some. But you never know what kind, because the packages are unmarked.

The other two agree, and they go to the distribution center.

They wait in line for hours, they almost get to the door and the center closes down. All of today’s cheese is gone.

They go back the next day, they wait in line and the cheese runs out again.

And it happens all over again on the third day.

That night in their flat, they decide that they’re stealing the cheese this time. They’ll take it from people as they come out and they’ll meet back at the flat.

The next day the blondes are waiting to strike, at the distribution center.

A lady comes out with her cheese; the first blonde grabs it and takes off.

The second blonde sees a man come out; she grabs his cheese and runs.

The third blonde does the same and they meet back at the flat.

The first blonde says, Lets see what we got.

She opens her package up, and says, Wow I got some English Cheddar.

The second one opens her package, and says, Hey I got some Swiss Cheese.

The third one doesn’t open her package and says I got some Mexican cheese.

The other two blondes look at each other and say to the third one, How do you know if you didn’t open the package?

She says, When I grabbed it the guy yelled, “Hey man that’s Na-cho Cheese.”

2007-07-26 07:37:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

does anyone know some good jokes about doctors or jokes that have to do with going to the doctor

2007-07-26 07:31:48 · 11 answers · asked by Kathryn P 2

Guy gets married learns golf wife never see's him she goes to golf pro he shows her how to hold the driver she swings ball goes 3 ft she swings again ball goes 5 ft he picks up the ball and says Marge your husband tells me how great u are in bed take the golf club and hold it like it's his pecker he puts the ball down she swings ball goes 400 ft st8 down the fairway he looks at her and says "OK MARGE NOW TAKE THE GOLF CLUB OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND WE WILL CHIP UP TO THE GREEN"

2007-07-26 05:36:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A programme was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . . . .. . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

2007-07-26 05:33:11 · 11 answers · asked by Jim 7

okay well i think that the problem that kids are fat is because of parents and god. parents always said that god said eat what is in front of you god gave it to you. but what happens if god gave you to much food. like you are trying to go on a diet. you get a big plater of two choclate cakes and two giant pieces of carrot cake. you say im not hungry and they yell at you and say eat it god gave it to you. im not hung GOD GAVE YOU THIS FOOD AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT GOT IT. yes mom shoving the food in your face. another example is when its raining why do you think kids are out side. they arent playing in the rain they are drinking the rain tht god gave them because there moms told them to lol. so is this funny

2007-07-26 04:28:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are three guys in a canoe. they all fell in the water but only two got their hair wet? why didnt the third guy get his hair wet? ten points to first person who gets right

2007-07-26 04:01:57 · 25 answers · asked by ss 3