Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

This happened about a month ago just outside of Knoxville, a town in on the banks of the Tennessee River, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.



This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.



Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.



Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.



Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life, he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the river, and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.



Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.



Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.



A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk.)



About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Billy Bob, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we waz pushin it in the rain."

2007-07-25 14:40:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

if i had 5 meat patties and i dropped 2 of them on the floor and i ate 3 of them and gave my girlfriend the 2 that fell on the floor without her knowing it, how many meat patties did i eat?

2007-07-25 14:25:27 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys
his age rather
curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out'
from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and
how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who
became rather flustered. Instead of explaining
things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and
her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while,
then he turned off most of the lights. Then he
started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started looking
funny.


He must have thought so too, because he put his hand
inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way
the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the
doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding
her heart. I guess he was getting sick too,

2007-07-25 14:12:42 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

2007-07-25 14:01:54 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

2007-07-25 14:01:32 · 8 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

A little old lady was walking up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

2007-07-25 13:57:55 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

(Sounds about right to me)

2007-07-25 13:52:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"

"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!"

"Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on."

Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.

"What the heck was that for?" he demanded.

"Your dog just called" she replied.

2007-07-25 13:49:36 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

2007-07-25 13:44:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

~A Proper Fairy Tale~

Once upon a time
in a land far away,a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't freakin think so."

2007-07-25 13:39:49 · 14 answers · asked by Bobby 3

A couple goes to Hawaii and the wife saw a bikini and asked "Honey can you buy me this bikini?" he respond "for that body you got that looks like a washer, NO" she insisted on everything she saw and keep getting the same answer. At night when they returned to the room, she was silent and sad, he rub against her trying to cheer her up and said "Oh come on honey let's put that washer to work" she looks at him and says " for that small piece of rag, handwash it!

2007-07-25 13:29:37 · 5 answers · asked by rock on 2

ABC's

Student: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: Okay but first say your ABC's.

Students: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ

Teacher: Where's the P?
Student: Its running down my leg!
--------------------------------------------------------
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway dear." the Mother said.
"Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."
------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have a disease called Alzheimer's whch wil cause u 2 4get.
Guy: Thank God! I was afraid I had cancer!

2007-07-25 13:26:08 · 13 answers · asked by hellooooo 2

Zero. Because they'll all tell you that it's impossible to fit in one, since the beetle is a tiny insect.

2007-07-25 13:21:33 · 5 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

When they come back there are still stains on his underpants.
Next time he encloses a note: "use more soap on undies."
When the laundry comes back there are still stains on the underpants, and they're accompanied by a note: "Use more paper on @rse"

2007-07-25 13:10:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman sai, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde siad,"I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked,"Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said,"No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my face."

2007-07-25 13:05:55 · 32 answers · asked by W♥ Knit Twit ♥P 5

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”

“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”

The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.

“Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

2007-07-25 13:03:11 · 5 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

They're all lined up at the pearly gates waiting to be allowed into heaven. St Peter tells them, "You must all tell me if you have touched a mans penis."
The first nun steps forward and says "I have sinned. I once touched a mans penis with the tip of my finger."
St Peter responds, "Go wash your finger in that holy water there, and enter the kingdom of heaven." So she does.
The second nun presents herself. "I touched a mans penis with my whole hand."
St Peter is displeased, and says, "Wash your hand in that holy water there and enter the kingdom of heaven."
Before the third nun can speak, the fourth elbows her out of the way.
"If you think I'm gargling with that water after she's washed her fanny in it, you've got another thought coming!"

2007-07-25 12:56:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"

2007-07-25 12:08:31 · 9 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening, he went to a singles bar, where he spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, her natural beauty takes his breath away.

I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 billion dollars."

The woman went home with Charles that evening, and the next day, she became his stepmother.

Will men ever learn?

2007-07-25 12:06:52 · 7 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$68,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

2007-07-25 12:05:09 · 5 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

A little boy walks into his pre school class and he asks the teacher is he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says, " I will let you go if you recite your ABC`s"

The boy says"ok" and he begans. "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXY and Z"

The teacher asks him," What happened to the P?"

The little boy replies"It's Running down my pants!"

2007-07-25 12:03:06 · 9 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

Man in Hospital bed wearing an oxagen mask calls for a nurse and says " Nurse are my testicals Black?"

The nurse looks at the man pulls back the blanket and pulls outs his ba**s and looks at them "No Sir they look fine to me"

The man looks at her and smiles, pulls of his mask and says "thanks for that but listen carefully, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

2007-07-25 11:53:54 · 6 answers · asked by Pete 4

"I'm thirsty," said the first. "I'm gonna go get myself a Coke." So he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his Coke.

"Ooh, that looks good," said the second and got out of the boat. He walked across the water, got his Coke, and came back.

"You're right," said the third. "I think I'll get one too." He steps out of the boat and down he sank.

"Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "should we tell him where the rocks are?"

2007-07-25 11:52:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc., a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Scottish."

The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Irish."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."

Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice, "Dublin."

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say, "Jimmy."

Replied the other, "Paddy."

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer." Paddy responded, "Sagittarius."

2007-07-25 11:48:38 · 9 answers · asked by "!" 5

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About eight drinks.

2007-07-25 11:48:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

and starts to choke.
People are running frantically, trying to figure out
what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper
to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One
strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front
of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ***.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food
from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two
homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says,
"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"

Star if you like please

2007-07-25 11:38:24 · 11 answers · asked by Pete 4

Two Monks Go For A Shower , But Find There Is No Soap, So One Says To The Other , "There`s No One About Just Nip Down And Get A Couple Of Bars" So Off He Trots In The Buff, On His Way Back He Sees 3 Nuns Walking Towards Him , So He Pretends To Be A Statue. One Nun Says " Whats This"? And Flicks Him And He Drops A Bar Of Soap " Ooh Its A Soap Dispenser" An Other Nun Jiggles Him In The Same Place And Gets Another Bar Of Soap, Then The Third Nun Has A Go And Says " Oooh! Hand Cream"

2007-07-25 11:30:58 · 7 answers · asked by Pete 4

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."

2007-07-25 11:21:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Blonde came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Danny, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Danny replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The Blonde answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

2007-07-25 11:18:54 · 33 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

2007-07-25 11:12:31 · 16 answers · asked by jjj9394 2