Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Old Mcgeezer slept with his wife in bed everyday. he loved his wife very dearly and would do anything to protect her.

When he came to bed one night he said to his wife I love you and kissed her.

She truned over and said what did u do?

and then he said I missed the toilet and the worst part is I was sitting down....


THIS IS MADE UP! And no MEAN or OBNOXIOUS COMMENTS! I will report them at once. Please also give me some construtive critisisms.

2007-07-25 10:51:00 · 17 answers · asked by Home Dogg 3

A vaccum salesman comes to the door and a lady answers the door.
Without saying anything, the salesman drops a pile of dirt in the living room.
He says "If the vaccum cleaner doesn't clean up every bit, I'll eat it!"
She says ''I guess I should bring you a spoon. Our power went out and 10 am this morning."

2007-07-25 10:35:41 · 10 answers · asked by qųěęŋ ŏf ħęãŗţş 3

Bob goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"Ok," says the clerk, "What do you call it?"
"A fottle," replies Bob.
"A fottle?" That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton," replied Bob.
"That rude. You can't possible call it that!"
"In that case," says Bob, the inventor, "you're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

2007-07-25 10:15:17 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

nothing to do with dirty washing please heard it..

2007-07-25 09:42:43 · 9 answers · asked by Storyteller 2

Then there were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work. "I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."
"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection."
He continued, "I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat. You want to talk about excitement - I was in the wrong room!"

2007-07-25 09:00:27 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

2007-07-25 08:59:45 · 3 answers · asked by (//_0)MRCFANFORLIFE 1

I paid at each bridge without breaking any eggs and ended up with none, How many eggs did I start with ?

2007-07-25 08:47:05 · 9 answers · asked by Radiator 4

Kudu dung spitting (Bokdrol Spoeg in Afrikaans) is a sport in some parts of Africa. In the competition small, hard pellets of dung from the Kudu (a type of Antelope) are spat, with the furthest distance reached being the winner.Kudu dung spitting is popular enough to have an annual world championship competition, with the formal sport beginning in 1994. Unlike many similar sports, the distance is measured from the marker to the place the dung pellet comes to rest, rather than where it initially hit the ground.

The world record in the sport is a distance of 15.56 metres, set in 2006 by Shaun van Rensburg.

2007-07-25 07:47:17 · 32 answers · asked by The Uncanny Comic 5

In a street there are 5 houses, painted 5 different colors.

In each house lives a person of different nationality

These 5 homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke different brand of cigar and keep a different pet.

Einsteins riddle is: Who owns the fish?

Necessary clues

The British man lives in a red house
The Swedish man keeps dogs as pets
The Danish man drinks tea
The Green house is next to, and on the left of the White house
The owner of the Green house drinks coffee
The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds
The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill
The man living in the center house drinks milk
The Norwegian lives in the first house
The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer
The German smokes Prince
The Norwegian lives next to the blue house
The Blends smoker lives next to the one who drinks water

2007-07-25 07:25:37 · 11 answers · asked by greedygenius123 2

if it were two hours later, it would be half as long until midnight as it would be if it were one hour later. what time is it?

2007-07-25 07:18:45 · 6 answers · asked by rico suave 1

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the supermarket

the haloween pumpkin onthe porch has more teeth than your wife

the value of your truck depends on how much gas is in it

you bring your dog to work with you

you have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't

you mow the lawn and find a car

your front porch collapses, and more than six dogs are killed

your moms lost at least one tooth opening a bottle of beer

your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive

you dated your daddies current wife at high school

you think a volve is part of a womens anatomy

your wifes best shoes have steel toe caps

you've ever used lard in bed

your grandma has ammo on her christmas list

you owe the tatooist more than your annual salary

2007-07-25 07:02:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

MOMMY

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"



If you thought this was funny give me a star.


--Wiiplay_ds

2007-07-25 06:52:26 · 21 answers · asked by Wiiplay_ds 5

Opposite of PM, I lay in a bed made of stone.

2 m&ms in a mirror, I lived to die.

All of my guards have water soaked hands.

But they are the best of all of the land.

--

I was given the hint that "the land spoken of is the good old usa", but can anyone think of an answer?

2007-07-25 06:33:26 · 2 answers · asked by Enfeebleness 3

say silk silk silk silk silk silk silk silk silk silk silk silk silk

now answer this

what does a cow drink?

2007-07-25 06:12:34 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.............george carlin

she's the original good time that was had by all......bette davis

when my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me........rodney dangerfield

women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place..........billy crystal

2007-07-25 05:47:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

My 15th birthday is in a hotel 7girls & 3 boys. My parents have a different room so i can get away with any thing but go farther that the undies on the balcony i can do ANYTHING!!!!!!

2007-07-25 05:14:03 · 7 answers · asked by summerfan 2

A farmer is helping a cow give birth when he notices his four-year-old son standing wide eyed at the fence, witnessing the entire thing.

"Dammit," the man says to himself, "Now i'm going to have to explain about the birds and the bees."

Not wanting to jump the gun, the man decides to wait and see if he son asks any questions.

After everything is finished, he walks over to his boy and asks, "Well, son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," the child says, "How fast was the calf going when it hit that cow?"

2007-07-25 05:05:16 · 30 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A: mingeater sing

2007-07-25 04:53:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

hamed ali..

2007-07-25 04:48:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

NO OBNOXIOUS ANSWERS PLZ

2007-07-25 04:48:25 · 3 answers · asked by peldin 1

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

2007-07-25 04:46:02 · 14 answers · asked by Sigmund 2

A boy playing ball was sideswept by a passing car. The driver got of the car and shouted, "My son! Oh my God!" . "Yes, I'm your son but your're not my father!" the boy replied.

What is the relationship of the boy and the driver?

2007-07-25 04:04:08 · 24 answers · asked by dalton 4

THE GOLDBERG BROTHERS

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On

July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling

him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into

his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was

about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered

them 3 million dollars for the patent.The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label 'The

Goldberg Air-Conditioner' on the dash board of each car that it was installed in. Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit anti-Semitic,

and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on millions of Ford cars. They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed

on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown. And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names: 'Norm', 'Hi', and 'Max'.

2007-07-25 03:57:53 · 22 answers · asked by looby 6

which came first an egg or a chicken???

2007-07-25 03:56:05 · 16 answers · asked by bigz 1

...raise my hand.

2007-07-25 03:44:13 · 3 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

An engineer dies and is standing at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter took a quick look in the book of life and failing to see the engineer’s name, cast him down into Hell.

After a few weeks in Hell the engineer began to get frustrated with the poor living conditions. He set to work and soon had designed air conditioning, reclining chairs, microwaves, and televisions. Everyone in hell was enjoying the new inventions of the engineer when God looked down one day.

Needless to say God was upset that the living conditions in Hell had improved, so he called to Satan saying “What’s going on down there? How did you get a hold of all that stuff?”

Satan Replied smugly, “We’ve got ourselves an engineer.”

God angrily said “What! How did you get an engineer? There must be some mistake. I want that engineer back immediately.”

Satan animatedly refused saying “NO way, we like him and we’re keeping him.”

hold on, there's more:

2007-07-25 03:34:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the blackman. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton: I did not cross "the road" with that chicken. I don't know that chicken. Define "cross." Define "the road." Define "chicken."

2007-07-25 03:04:20 · 10 answers · asked by "!" 5

a woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle
bags

2007-07-25 02:58:15 · 7 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

Poems written by husband to wife

I wrote your name on sand , it got washed away
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart & I got a Heart Attack.
******
God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
******
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
******
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
******
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.

*STAR IF YOU LIKE;-)

2007-07-25 02:40:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-25 02:19:58 · 10 answers · asked by hello world 7